Paul Mitchel--The Experience

Many of my peers, family and co-workers know that I attend Paul Mitchell the School SLC. Many of those people know how long I've been trying to get my dream machine to start working (It took me 2 years). Some may say it was bad luck, bad timing...bad government in CA..I just decided it wasn't in my written book for me to start so young. I was right.
I went to school after school, trying to search for a place that I belonged. I researched ROP programs-after school programs for 16-17 year old teens still in highschool for credits-community colleges, cheap ways to get each license I need, beauty academies...I searched everywhere. It took me about six months to decide on Paul Mitchell. My stylist at Lunatic Fringe, Soula, the only person I fully trust to do my hair any way she wants, told me she went to this amazing school, Paul Mitchell. I thought to myself "yeah, 15 grand would be amazing..you get high end tools and fancy instructors". She corrected me, it's the culture, the things they teach you. I just brushed it off and went to tour at The Academy for Salon Professionals. It was perfect for me, my type of personality, MAC makeup, 3 doll heads! What a dream...right? Wrong, 22 grand for 16 months and interest rates that could give an old man a heart attack. Besides the finances, I didn't hear the Admissions woman mention anything about a culture...about becoming a good stylist AND a good friend to clients. I kept in mind that I waited 45 minutes for my tour..I was even early. I was excited to talk about it to my mom and get going on my dream. However, something held me back, I still can't put my finger on it, but it was big enough for me never to speak to The Academy again. Another woman from my church in Palo Alto went to PMTS and she loved it, her husband vouched for the school telling me there's just such an amazing atmosphere and even on the slowest days (usually a Tuesday or Monday) they made it seem so busy, and happening. After hearing this during a mutual activity I just had to check this school out and research...like I always have to do with every decision I make. I look up online PMTS, pro and con list. It was also 20 grand in SF...ouch. I went back to visit home (Utah) and got my hair done by Soula. I told her I was seriously considering PMTS and her face lit up. She made me so excited to even just talk about the possibility. Immediately after I get back to CA I call the school, make an appointment, send in my application and awaited February of 2010 to come.
I hopped on Amtrak and rode 18 hours to attend Alta's Sweethearts dance and to finally see PMTS.
The day arrived and I was so nervious, anxious and excited...just about ready to puke up my homemade pancake breakfast..and my soon to be McDonald's lunch.
I walk in, I'm welcomed by this urban looking chick who had a huge smile on her face..odd I thought. I check in and I meet Blue-eyed Brent. He was happy, ecstatic to meet me and couldn't wait to show me around. It was love...I took three steps onto the floor and just felt like I was surrounded by my best friends. He took me around and everything just fit in.
Long story short, I postponed my first day about 4 times, kept switching back and forth from part time to full time almost moved to North Carolina, and then it was time to sign my contract from January 11th, full time.
My first day at PMTS, intimidating..quiet and nerve racking. I was actually taking my first step towards my 19 year old dream. I honestly almost wet my pants from my excited nerves, and joy. My CORE instructor, Kevin. My type of teacher, doesn't shoot around bush, blunt and knows how to put a smile on anyone's face...quite the trend setter. I hear these knew vocab words such as Discoveries instead of mistakes, challenges instead of problems and to stay away from the lunch room and angry people in black. hah. He told us about the culture at PMTS, no tolerance for malicious gossip and definitely no tolerance for negativity. We're given these books...like how to be nice, how to turn around your negative outlook and make anyone feel happy..just as the staff executes so nicely. Our classes aren't just book work, each one has a bonding experience, whether it was meeting someone knew with the same dream or finding out your friend's dream that's total opposite of yours. Each instructor has an inspiring way to speak to people and each day has literally changed my outlook on the type of professional I want to be. There's one educator specifically that I'm drawn to daily. She's our color expert, vibrant, exciting and outgoing woman.
Friday's are color classes and I look forward to them every week.
This Friday's class was one that was needed, one that is Paul Mitchell appropriate, and one that I know for a fact changed every FP's (future professional) mood, outlook and logic on life. She shared so many things with us that made you feel odd if you didn't share as well. It wasn't anything to do with color, and it was well worth my tuition cost. She shared the things she used to help her get to the person she is today. It was heart warming to hear, and tears flowed. My past three months at PMTS have been the best three months at a school. I've bought the books she swears by and I've sworn to complete honesty with myself. I've set goals for myself and I DO intend on keeping them.
For anyone who is struggling with who they are, who they want to be and how they feel each and every day, I have one word of advice.
Honesty.
Happiness.
Optimism.
I could go on and on about how excited I am for my next thirteen months at PMTS but I think you all get the point.
Do what you love, do it how you want to do it and, don't let anyone tell you how to go about it.
We all have challenges, we all make discoveries.
S**t happens, and so does life!
Make the crap worth smelling and life worth living (Don't steal that)..and maybe pop into Target and grab "90 minutes in heaven" or "the art of racing in the rain"...and attend ZUMBA! ;)

The songs that inspired me the most:
F****** perfect-Pink
Wouldn't it be nice-Beach Boys
Anything by Bob Marley.

The little Meredith that Can!

Three months and no blogs?! No wonder I've been feeling a little off lately! The past three months have zipped on by faster than a group of nascars at a race. A move to Saratoga, the wedding, a baby shower, graduation, getting four teeth yanked out, another move back home, and now...just trying to survive off of a shot savings account. Rethinking my steps, I realized how fast I was running things and how I never took the time to just calm down and take things one at a time.
I find myself gaining inspiration and motivation from children's books..or movies, it may be the fact that I've taken care of children ever since I was eleven...seven years of babysitting and two years of being a nanny will change your life in ways you wouldn't expect to be changed.
Every movie, every picture book always has the recurring theme..or idea that we should never give up and give everything our very best effort. The classic example of this "easy idea" is Watty Piper's Little Engine that Could, this book was a hit amongst the family (never topped Heckedy Peg). I remember little bits of my childhood where I would find myself chanting the never ending saying, "I think I can, I think I can". Even now that same rhythm of words banded together runs through the back of my head when I feel like I need to give up. We all start at the bottom every few times in our life...that's a lie..we all start at the bottom at least every couple of years in our lives.
My move back home failed, every plan I made, every budget I slaved away at and squeezed money into places that never existed before, was ruined. I moved into a different place, without transportation..thanks to the wonderful planning on my part (joke). I underestimated the time to find a job once my finances went down the toilet, I'd love to thank California's traffic laws...you've really outdone yourself! Anyways, I finally found a job after a month of searching, thirty resumes sent out and approximately 35 applications "on file".. which I have found to be the worst two words to hear, you're either hiring or not! I found myself feeling like a burden on my sister, I hate when people have to help me, and I hate feeling helpless and like I'm always drowning, probably exactly how Piper wanted his engine to feel at the bottom. I'm beginning to learn the true meaning of patience, just like that blue engine.
My first chug up the hill started with a great person coming into my life and boosting my confidence enough to where I wasn't sulking and playing the "woe is me, my life is over" card. My second chug came from my family, always pushing me to go past my limits. You could probably guess by now this is the learning to love portion of the post! Ewan McGregor was right, all you need is love! Of course, I'm not saying I'm using love to get me through all these crappy situations, but it's definitely putting some fuel into my tank to get me to start chugging up my steep hill. I can't expect to get everything together just because I got a job..FINALLY. However, one step can open many, many doors.
For instance, my new job, that I've been praying to get for a while now, allows me to be in the atmosphere that's necessary for my career, I get the great opportunity for better positions and a great "in" with my new school. It's made me less fearful of my future, it's allowed me to budget again (my geeky obsession) and to start planning...all over again. Nobody said chugging up a steep hill would be pretty. I don't think I'll be getting up to the middle anytime soon, but I do think with my amazing new relationship and my new support system from my family, I can get there easier than Little Engine had it.
My next chug? Be with the ones I love the most, allow myself to fall back a little...hoping it'll give me more of a push to go forward, and my last planned step, keep GOING FORWARD.
If you can't get the simple meaning out of this great little book, the easiest one to see is to never allow yourself to look back and regret anything. Our progress is caused by our mistakes, our success keeps us up because it's caused by our fall backs, and our consistent chugging.
When we doubt ourselves, we allow our little engine to fall back further than a mistake would cause us to do so.
My lesson learned from this little life mishap is this: Love the ones that make you happy the most, be with the ones you fear the most, and never let that simple tune leave your head when you're at the bottom. Nobody starts at the top, we all have to start over at some point in our lives and no matter who hard it is, just keep thinking, "I think I can" and take one step at a time.

Mental Gym

My oh my! I have survived another trip back home! I thought for sure this time would be really hard to leave, but it was a lot easier than I expected. It could possibly be due to the fact that I left with a million plans to start off my life there and a positive, upbeat visit. There were a few spats with the sisters, but...what are sisters for? With July coming faster than ever, I'm bracing myself for the next four months. As much as I want to just pack and leave after June, I'm holding back so I can have a month for hanging out and working my tail off to make ends meet.
Utah couldn't be any prettier at this time, it wasn't ever rainy and the sun loved to shine each and every day. My family time was incredible. I felt more and more like I was at home, only making my dreams into a deeper reality.
I met with Paul Mitchell on Friday to work all the kinks out with my acceptance. I'm not as frightened anymore with my financial situation. Admissions defnitely calmed my nerve on that one and I couldn't be any more grateful for having my dad outside waiting for me. The only thing left to do is to get my butt to Utah, with my loads of cash (hopefully) and get to work on my passion.
Every time we go to Utah as a family we come back a little more tighter than we were when we left. I don't know if it's the crazy 13 hour drive there and back (we've driven it aprox. 60 times) or the endless nights of family dinner. Leaving Utah is always heartbreaking for me, I've never really called California my home because I've never felt like I belong here. It's always like I'm doing things backward when I leave. I should be visiting California...not Utah. I argued relentlessly when we first moved here about 5 years ago and I was probably even more stubborn than an old dog. I guess doing things you don't want to do can help you accept that it's happening. Sticking around for a month in the summer is something I'm dreading to do, but if I don't do it, I'll be moving without a plan, and probably too early.
I've believed that my new chapter (after I dumped my ex) would mean never having to deal with stuff I didn't want to deal with, since I dealt with a relationship I didn't even want to be in, I figured life would be easier. I let go of reality for a couple of weeks and when a problem hit me, I freaked out and ran away from it. Only to have it haunt me a few months later.
I spent money all the time, procastinated with college apps and cared more about going out than staying in with family. Now, I've ended up with less than I planned to have right now and staying in seems harder to do.
On the brightside I've become addicted to challenges...I've decided to bulk up on work and buckle down on school. This may make my social life diminish a little bit, but I have to make a sacrafice somewhere! My spring visit to Utah has opened my eyes to let go of things and do a few things you don't want to do...even if it's painful to do so. I can't expect to get stronger if I don't even ball up and do the hard things in life. My challenges and unwanted tasks are my gym...if I put my mind to it I can build up enough "muscle" and reach my goal by the time July 14th rolls around. Hopefully no personal trainer will be needed :)

The Dark Cloud

To change up my writing style I've decided to start out with two definitions:
Appreciation:gratitude; thankful recognition.
Gratitude:thankfulness, or appreciation is a positive emotion or attitude in acknowledgment of a benefit that one has received or will receive.

I never took the time to realize that these two words need eachother to exist. What is gratitude when you can't appreciate something? Why appreciate if you aren't grateful? It's pointless. It's like having a hamburger with no meat. Since my last post I've been noticing the small things that have been coming my way. Like my employer asking me to stay 30 more minutes, or my employer thanking me for staying with her until her husband got home. She appreciates my help and she's grateful for having me around just as a friend. What more can a nanny ask for?
I nanny for two wonderful families, one family is in my church, I babysat there daughter when we first moved to california and now I sit for their daughter and their son once a week-and whenever they need me-they're angels. Most people have a job that they don't like going to, they dread going to work, they can't stand the environment and escape to their house or somewhere else for a safe haven. Not me. I escape to my job for my safe haven, my one place to forget about reality. I'm appreciative of this opportunity-despite the commute-and so grateful to be blessed with the best families. The family I nanny for the most consists of a couple and their son, I've known them for almost a year now and I've seen their little boy sprout into the cutest one-year old there is, no offense to any mother's out there. I never really realized that I depend on working for an escape from reality until recently. It wasn't the worst day, but it seemed as though I had a pitch black, stormy, dense cloud following above my head. Granted, I turned on my beloved country music and the sunny spring day drove that ugly thing away, but it returned...frequently.
I've been sick this past week, and did I mention I had mounds of schoolwork, just building up? Anyways, my sickness decided to take my energy away from me and completely...well...piss me off. I was rude, to everyone, snapping and judging. Not myself, I would say. That dark cloud that followed me around was just beginning to form and that nasty bacteria inside me enjoyed every minute of it.
I take sign language in school and my teacher is amazing. She allowed the level threes to song sign along with the level twos (we were esctatic) I picked out my favorite song, They Don't Care About Us-Michael Jackson and got to work. I interpreted the entire song, changing the english into ASL word form and set it aside to memorize...only the nasty bacterium army shot down my nervous system and my hands couldn't take the intensity of fast pace of the song. I knew I could sign this, that's why I picked it! The same day the dark monstrous cloud-similiar to the one on Lost...if any of you watch that-was also the day I decided to cram everything I possibly could into a three hour time window...you can probably guess what happened.
A lot of things were thrown...hair was lost (not really), my room is probably terrified with me and I've consumed more dog hair than ever...only because I had to cuddle up to Max for comfort. Tears of frustration and anxiety, fear that I would fail every class and graduate dumped out...all over my bedroom floor, like a big rain puddle after a big, very big storm.
Amazingly I made it to work, with many breathing techniques and VERY loud country in my Charlie, I calmed down and braced myself for the best outing of the week. Baby is very sweet, he's walking and I love to watch babies walk and explore. We walk around a lot in San Carlos, lay out in the sun and play at the park-my job is satisfying-my "boss" is so personable, you can only let loose and tell all with her.
My job is probably nanny paradise-another thing I appreciate. It pains me to think that I'll be leaving this adorable and wonderful family in a matter of months, I'm not ready to stop spending a few hours with them, I'm not prepared to give up my safe haven and surrender to reality.
My outing with Baby was the best. I relaxed, thought about nothing (as I vowed to do in my previous post) and allowed the beautfil spring day to take over my mind. I didn't plan anything, I didn't map out our activities, I turned whenever it felt like we should and we ended up at a middle school and there were dogs running free and Baby just squealed with excitement. I hesitated at first, images of Baby getting knocked over by these crazy pups and scraping his fragile skin. A little nudge from above told me it was okay to let him explore with the pups. And I did. Shocked. One dog came to Baby and I and nudged me first, I pet him and showed Baby how to pet him, the puppy adored Baby and plopped down next to him, his oversized, pink floppy tongue hung out to the side, as if he had a large pink ribbon draped down the side of his face. Baby laughed and giggled and tried to touch this new toy. The pup just rolled over and allowed us to pet his tummy. Defeat. The dark cloud moved onto a new territory to torment. It left me for a total of two hours.
I got home and decided to practice my song a little more, failure. My hands froze, my fingers didn't want to sign. Frustration flowed out my mouth, my hands and my "funny toes". "WHY DID I PICK THIS SONG?!" I took our pooch for a walk and since it was dark out I allowed myself to sign along with my song. Success. The night sky blessed me with the return of my skill. I flowed right through my song, realizing I should memorize the lyrics first and then work on the signs. I did the dishes, singing the song for a total of about 30 minutes (that's about 9 times). Mission complete. I signed my song next, SUCCESS again. I was overcome with excitement and happiness that all of my troubles from before dissolved and allowed my mind to wander in my meadow before I drifted off to sleep (about an hour after I lied to actually "sleep"). I woke up just on time, got to my first period-if I'm late again I'm dropped...lame-with 10 minutes to spare and my tests flew by with ease.
Overcoming a hard week, or prevailing in the war of a dark cloud is hard to do if you're constantly playing the pity me game. Erase the phrase and start to appreciate your surroundings, be grateful for what you do have, and what you ARE able to accomplish. How do you expect to succeed when you have no appreciation or gratitude for what you already have?
Appreciate anything you can, thank anyone who helps you...even if it's a thank you wave on the freeway. You will feel a little bit brighter, I promise.
I'd liked to know if my suggestion work so let me know via comments :)

Living Out Loud

Things happen every day: deaths, births, divorce, marriage, success. Anyone will say that "life is too short" to allow negative to enter into their personal lives, my personal opinion is that saying "life is too short" is negative...so basically they've already allowed negativity to enter into their life. I'd rather think life is too much fun and fun makes time move faster, if that makes any sense at all. Changes in the family are dropping like bombs. Pregnancy, engagements, college acceptances, planning, moving, and a wedding. It comes at us really fast, but I think that we're handling everything a lot better than most families like mine would. Some may say that we're a broken family-since half of us live in Utah, there has been drama between every daughter/son/sibling. We've pulled ourselves out of a lot of "sticky situations" and surprisingly we haven't broken yet. I would say we're pretty tight-knit, strong family and it's hard to get in between our bonds of steel.
Among all of these spring happenings, however, I've forgotten all about my plans for financing my dream. It's not that I'm being irresponsibly, I think I'm choosing to have as much fun as possible to avoid stress build-up. The one thing I cannot handle well is stress.
Stress: physical, mental, or emotional strain or tension. The four words I can't bare to hear in a conversation. With graduation coming up and my acceptance to my number one college-I've been slacking off on my school work (no particular reason right?) and I'm just beginning to realize how much stress I'm putting on myself. So instead of doing my work I decide to rid myself of these thoughts...and tasks. I take a walk, shower, write etc. Anything but that stressful work is fine by me. Of course, this means I've been spending more money. Money that I should be saving for a car and two school's tuition. You can see how much stress there is already. What to do, where to go etc. I'm beginning to worry that I might not be able to afford my cosmetology school to begin with! My trip to Utah will hopefully shed some light on a new job, and a great plan for me to get up the money to buy a car and pay for my first payment of tuition at Paul Mitchell.
People here in Palo Alto, I think, are addicted to stress. My mom has the perfect case of this sickness. She's always outdoing herself (in a good way), but, this makes her freak out sometimes, breakdown and what not. I'm learning from Palo Alto-inians that less is more. Life IS too short to be adding more time you don't have to your schedules, whatever happened to just enjoying the nighttime sky for fifteen minutes? Or daydreaming for a few minutes...or hours in class?! Living isn't for constantly doing something, it's for your own enjoyment right?

Living out Loud...it's hard to do, to live with no regrets, more laughter and more tears than there are hours in a day. I don't like eating more than my stomach can handle, allowing myself to do more tasks than my brain can handle. I'm making a personal pact to take things easy until Graduation. The only way to be stress free is to allow yourself to make time to just breathe, think about nothing for a few moments. Meet someone you'd never be inclined to talk to. I always that living your life to the fullest meant you're never home. No, it just means enjoy your life how it is, if you think it's dull spice it up a little. You can live life to the fullest by just enjoying your surroundings. I enjoy how my life is right now, I want more things than I can have and hopefully by the time June rolls around I'll slowly be working my way towards owning those things. Until then, I'm going to start enjoying my life, rather than doing something that just bores me to tears.

The Giggle Massacre

Six months ago you would never be able to tell that my shape comes from my entertainment. I had no shape as of six months ago to be honest-bad relationships will do that to a girl. It is my five month-a-versary that I have been "keeping fit" by my multiple attacks of giggling. I never realized how great life was until I was alone and realizing I had been treated like trash for the past year. Liberating yourself is the key to happiness, but, one can never forget the intense outcomes a crush can have on someone's laugh intake.
It was one month to date that this guy decided to approach me. I had confessed my intense crush on him to my step-father (official in May) and annoyed him to get him to agree on a date. It never happened and I allowed my crush to dwindle--I never lost it though--and I realized that if he won't have me then he's missing out on one special girl, words from the wise? It's ironic because I met him when I was dating my loser ex, harsh but true, about a week before I flew off to Central America for a two week trip. I had my eye on him when we exchanged hellos. Even though my hello was a little hushed and muffled from the pool water being splashed in my face and my wonderful cousins wanting to swim with me some more. It was quick, but I knew for a fact this introduction wasn't to be a ''one night stand'' introduction. I was right, he was close to my step-brother, Dylan and it seemed as if they were inseparable over the course of the summer. Another run in with this McSteamy was around 9 am. A stupid and immature fight with that one of a kind little boy I was seeing left me in my over-sized D.A.R.E shirt, and my very very short P.J bottoms--what is a girl to do after a fight with a boy?!--I was awakened at 7am by the truck rumbling to life and hearing voices and things being thrown into the bed. I thought it was the gardeners...boy was I wrong. After dozing off for two hours I'm awakened again by my mother, step-brother and McSteamy. I drag my feet out of bed, contact-less...blind as a bat and my hair piled on top of my head...probably makeup smeared all over my face? I don't recall.

"GOOD MORNING MEREY MISS!" my overly chirpy mother adores this phrase early in the morning.
"Hi." as I walk to the fridge to scope out my breakfast my eyes widen as I saw the two tall men standing at my counter.
"Oh..hi guys" My attire couldn't be worst I thought. Many arguments with my boyfriend at the time shot through my head "YOU WORE THOSE AROUND HIM?! HOW COULD YOU?!" I pushed them away and coming up empty handed with food I grumble over to the computer hutch sit on the ground and read the texts he sent me last night.
I eye a nectarine and go in for the kill...maybe if I'm fast enough they won't catch my appearance. Dead wrong. Again. My mother decides to force me into conversation, I'm more than positive they thought I was glaring at them since I had to squint to see my opponents. I give them rude short answers to each question, each topic and I pretend to be engaged in the conversation as I eat my nectarine and check my phone--I was such a guy that day.
I knew from that moment that I admired McSteamy's presence and I enjoyed having him around, even though I was a complete stuck-up brat.
A few more run-ins popped up throughout my relationship with the "little boy" and a crush had secretly developed in my brain. Knowing that my relationship was a dud 3 months prior to the break up I started to think about my options and possible admirers. Yes, "McSteamy" came through my head a couple of these times. Finally after I became single I annoyed my step-father and told him that he has to fix this thing up. I wouldn't say he failed because McSteamy did come around. Of course weeks before he leaves for two years, but he still chased after me. Throughout our communications I don't think there was a dry eye and I realized a good friendship was forming, he held the giggle massacre, and it hasn't even stopped despite his absence.
I've been noticing how much better life has gotten for me, how this guy who appeared in my life, my plans for post-graduation are getting clearer as the days pass and the fact that my whole family is finally united in some way or another.
You need a giggle massacre, led by some cute guy who will be gone before you know it, physically gone...hopefully whoever gives you this great defeat will remain close and a good friend. My giggling has brought me to the conclusion that life isn't about how much money I should be making, where I rank with friends. My friends should all be equally ranked, my money will come and go but my smiles, my laughs, and my giggle massacres are what will glue me back together when I feel broken.
It's never too late to get started on making yourself happier. Maybe developing a crush can start you off to a never ending, high carb-causality, giggle massacre.
Enjoy!

Houston We Have a Problem. 1/21

It is NASA's biggest fear when they hear these five frightful words. Panic mode sets in and in those minutes-prayers are uttered, hope is loss and submission occurs everywhere. Just like a NASA space mission, we all have our code reds in life.
It's funny how life can change so quickly right in front of you. One minute you're laughing at how funny your young dad is, the next you're stressing out about money and your five year plan. Never having to worry is one of the biggest things I miss most about being a kid. I remember constantly wishing ot be 16 and the ability to go out on dates and drive. Now, my constant wish is to go back to Apple Hollow Cove and play night games with my old friends. I'm more than ready to be out on my own-the only thing holding me back is not being under the direct care of my parents-even though I barely admit it. I would kill for another day being ten and going out with my dad for a personal day with him along with getting my haircut and playing video games at the same time (geeky, I know). I miss being innocent and worry-free. It seems as though every time I strive to be successful there's always that one thing that will get in my way.
Charlie decided to break down and as in my last blog, I received a generous offer from my step-dad-to-be. My job allows me to pay back in full by February, I was on a roll with the payment schedule until friends and irresistibly fun nights got the best of me. Now my accounts are looking a little blue and my goal to 4G by June is going down the drain. I guess you can never really have control over what happens, you can just have an influence. I have come to the forlorn conclusion that a third job will answer my prayers.
We can always be worry-free in our own ways. For example-I'm not concerned about a boy getting in my way because I've removed the chance of being swooned and charmed and locked it up for the next five years. My version of night-games is homework and sleep-I'll become carefree in my dreams, where life's problems are in MY control.
The point for my preaching is that you can't allow yourself to succumb to these evil worries adult life decides to batter us with. Become worry's worst nightmare and kick him where it hurts. Show that ex of yours that they aren't worth even half of a milli-second of your lovely time. Show your retched boss that you CAN eat nails for breakfast-capture their expression once the imp9ossible has been done. Every rocket ship has it's failure, but have you ever heard of that rocket ship giving up? I haven't. Not yet.

Lesson Learned:
Love the ones who try to ruin your day, week, or life. Why? Because in the end when they come to YOU for help; you can tell 'em to kiss you sweet little hiney GOODBYE. Then you'll know they finally learned their lesson and you succeeded :)

A Child's Gift-1/18

As I sit at the park with Baby I see all types of children, parents and people. Excitement is in the air even though Baby is asleep and I'm left without a partner to celebrate. I plug in my music and observe the day. There is one little boy who catches my eye, the little blond haired child who is going around asking every kid their name and if they'd like to play with him. I smile to myself as I think about how my childhood play-dates were way back when.
When I was about four, my little family and I lived in the "duck" apartments in Holladay Utah where I had a deaf best friend-Courtney who lived in the building. We both had a disability, I couldn't speak and she couldn't hear very well(only with the help of hearing aids)-we understood each other perfectly, yes a four year old can understand hardships they aren't aliens! Courtney stood up for me when our brothers and neighborhood kids would mimic the way I spoke. In return I stood up for her any way I could when they would make her do crazy things, like walk in the snow...barefoot.
Her older brother told her walking in the snow as cool and she had to do it if we ever wanted to see our Chelsea barbies ever again. I tried to yell at him but he just laughed and shoved me aside-That was it for me, he pushed my red button too many times to let this one slide. I wasn't going to stand for this anymore. Courtney-crying, took off her boots as well as her hearing aids (I still get why she did it) she tucked her socks and her aids into her boots, I was quick to follow her as her brother started to get angry that I was following along. We began to walk to the apartment in the three-foot high freezing cold snow. I stuck my hands into the icy snow to show her jerk of a brother just how "cool" it was. I rolled up a ball and hurled it at him yelling every mean word my four-year-old mind ever knew. Court followed my example and we sent him running away to find our barbies. He was never rude to us again and we always invited him to play with us...just for fun. This wasn't the only incident we encountered together, we got sand thrown at us in the apartment playground and names yelled at us constantly. We befriended each of our bullies and showed them we weren't stupid and dumb like they assumed we were. Courtney moved away before my mother remarried and we moved shortly after her departure. I'll never forget my play-dates with her and how much carefree fun we had invented for ourselves.
Just like this little boy at the park I realize that without humility and kindness no one can truly be considered a good person. It is one of my many new years resolutions to embrace this theory of life and see how far it gets me in my few months left in high school. You can only hope for the best in life, but, in order for hopes to become dreams and for dreams to become reality there must be some selfless acts. Give to people not to benefit yourself but solely to receive a smile and anew friend. Go the park and relive your childhood life, in the end memories are all we have.

Lesson Learned:
We all have to act like a four-year-old sometimes to become better people.

Resolve

The gloom shines into my room as I wake up to January 1, 2010. My friend is still asleep and I feel tired and annoyed, and I don't even know why. I thought that my waking up to a new year would be bright and full of exciting little events, boy was I wrong. We wake up and eat some eggs, watch some Seinfeld as we munch on Frosted Flakes reminiscing about our successful new years eve. Rewinding a few days back my faithful Charlie broke down-hundreds to fix and no money to fix it with. My mother decides she wants to offer help. Help...what a great word, giving someone something that they can't attain on their own-a good deed, a priceless offer. Not here. In order to receive this lifesaving "helpful" offer I must first do the one thing I swore I would never do. Every time I try to speak about it, I'm starting a fight and being demanding. I try to breathe and think about what the mature approach is without boiling over. I try and fail. She just won't listen to what I have to say. Maybe because she can't allow herself to think that I would do something like this-the daughter who was her puppet for so long, the daughter who had her back, the one who would obey her every word, the one she depended on for favors. It's hard to let someone know that you're not the person they want you to be. You can't be that person, it's too difficult and it's like watching someone else live your life. It's not you, you itch to be your true self. Only to realize that change comes with a price. You can either be accepted by your loved ones, or harshly rejected. Sadly the price I'm paying is a harsh slap in the face, after spilling out my true feelings of being unappreciated, a burden and altogether just a body in a house. I get the confirmation I feared. She doesn't deny it all she says is "So it's my fault". Blood boiling and tears flowing I try again, same response. I'm thinking to myself "come on, just see it from my perspective". Unfortunately for someone who's been through too much in their life they decide to rule out your feelings and make them their own. Accepting defeat she decides to grab my car which has now been fixed (but I can't have it) and unsafely drive it to Saratoga.
I'm prepared for the new family to judge and to hear her side of the story and her only way of getting sympathy is to put the world on her shoulders when in reality, the world is too busy jumping on others backs, so she just paints the picture that it's there.
I'm not a bad daughter-I don't disobey deliberately and when I do it's always something small. There's so many rules to follow it's hard to obey every single one. Especially when it involves a personal decision that only YOU will make. Yes, everything is a personal choice, but the majority of the time it affects other people. The choice I made affects only me. But sadly, she'll never be able to accept the fact that this is beyond her control. I tried my hardest to make her see the light, but you can't push free will. So here i am letting go, maybe just maybe she'll want to understand.

Writing this pessimistic blog makes me think about the spot removing spray "Resolve" no matter how much you spray onto a huge messy stain, there will always be a little spot left, it'll go away on it's own or maybe you need to spray it a little more and you'll resolve your huge messy stain saga :)

Lesson learned:
The only way you can resolve a problem like this is to try your best and if your best isn't good enough, maybe that person doesn't want to accept your best. So let it go-they are who they are, they are never going to change so don't hope for the one day they will because it is never going to come. Accept defeat every now and then maybe it'll be worth it, maybe it won't. But life will go on!

'Tis the Season!

Happy Holidays everyone! I've been hit with so many great ideas for lessons on life that I can't choose one! And then I stumbled across something when I was walking with the baby I nanny the other day!
It's the official season of giving and to love.
This may seem extremely cliche but sometimes those "lame" cliche's hold great meanings and cute little lessons for all of us to indulge in. As I was walking with Baby (the official name for the kid) we came across an old couple who had just finished an argument over what daughter to visit for the holidays. They ended the argument as soon as they saw us strolling down the sidewalk and the minute we were out of THEIR hearing range (which wasn't that far) I heard them makeup and agree that the point of the holidays wasn't about money and who's more important; it's about giving and being joyous about doing so. (My take on the conversation of course) This made me realize that I shouldn't need to allow my lack of money to decide what I'm going to be giving. If I want to give a loved one a hand-knitted sweater...regarding the fact that I can't even knit at all, I CAN do it, they don't care if it doesn't have a price tag, it only matters that you thought about what THEY needed and what THEY wanted. Not what you could maybe do for them, or that giving had a budget.
Another thing I've noticed over the past few weeks is the importance of family. My family has been through plenty, and I've given them some big pills to swallow when I was starting out in highschool. I'm amazed that they love me as they do, and they're so willing to please me. It's a refreshing feeling to have someone WANT to do something for me rather than the other way around. I'll admit I've been quite the grinch about somethings in my family, and now that I've been able to look at myself differently I've decided that I was being spoiled, ungrateful and just a complete snob to the people who love me the most. Lately I've been feeling too happy to care about the negativity in my life, and I've also realized that so many people will allow one thing to ruin such a great day, and they're willing to blame the people who love them the most for it.
No matter how rough your day was, or how hard your life may seem, don't ever tell the people you love how hard they make it for you. Because in reality, you're the only person who can change your life. A rough day may be influenced by someone or something, but you're the only person who can change the day around. You don't have to have a rough day, and your life may be hard, but think about the bigger picture. Is your life REALLY harder than an orphans who may never have a family again? Is life harder than the lives of those who can only afford to eat one day out of the week, two weeks maybe even a month? If it is, then you should go find someone who's life is just as horrible and see that they don't allow it to define them. They aren't crippled because of their life and they can be happy without food, because they're too busy enjoying whatever LIFE they do have. Turn your day around yourself, you don't need to have someone take charge of your day and life. You're able to do things yourself and cheer yourself up, if you think you're incapable than go do some volunteer work, play with a dog, do something that you know will make you smile and forget about your bad day.
The holidays aren't for worrying about money and negativity. It's about giving, loving and smiling. There's nothing too big or too small that you can't enjoy, wake up and smell the pine, 'Tis the season!

Lesson Learned: Indulge yourself in everything around you, love the people who are in your life and give thanks to the man who knows everything for giving you the opportunity to enjoy such a gift.

Stay Strong.

No man is worth your tears and the one that is won't make you cry --- Brian Littrell


Relationships can be hard, especially if you're being abused and you're in high school. Lately I've been noticing there are a lot more abusive relationships than there are good ones. It's such a sad thing to see, and even worse, I've been involved in these three times. My freshman year I was in such a horrible relationship with a Senior at my high school. Cheating, threats, sometimes physical fights that were said to be "just goofing around". Disturbing text messages, voice mails and even worse, a stalker who stole my house key and locked my door to try to get me back. If only I had learned from my mom's abusive marriage which affected us all.
Jim wasn't the ordinary guy you met, he charmed us all and even worse we believed his silly lies. WE all put up with his abuse, we never said anything until things got out of hand and he took in a whole other family. We moved into my mom's best friend's house for 2 weeks to pack up, and every time we went to pack up our stuff our soon to be ex-family always had something to yell or say under their breath. I was too young to realize what he put my mom through emotionally and even worse, how it affected me. We moved to California before the divorce was final and I was fifteen falling for a guy who did the exact same thing my ex-step dad had. He emotionally abused me. Constantly. Being in such a vulnerable place in your life and being so naive and young is the worst time to begin a relationship with someone. I was always wrong in his eyes and when I would say no to something he couldn't get it through his pea-sized brain that I meant it. Of course I never did, and he knew that. He saw my weaknesses, he knew me inside and out he knew how to manipulate me, and better yet how to get me to take him back. After constantly catching him with other girls and putting up with his lies and his abuse towards me I told him I don't ever want to see him again. I was serious, and I thought I had seen the last of him. I was extremely wrong. He was in my World History class and god bless my teacher who knew what was going on, he sat us apart, but that didn't stop him from getting to me. He used my friends, and even worse he stole my house key out of my backpack. I was at home due to a broken tailbone and napping when I was woken up by his face in front of mine, my bedroom door shut and him saying "I just want to talk". I could never thank God for signaling my mom to get home ASAP. She got home and I was so thankful for an excuse to get out. It didn't stop there, he hid in my closet and stupid 15 year old me I lied to try to help him while he stood in front of my door, my mom rammed my door open..breaking my pinky toe, but she got him out of the house by..basically beating him up. The following week I received voice mails, texts, and messages on myspace from him, just completely creeping me out. My mom and I went to the police to get a restraining order we had a great officer on the job until some other officer stepped into interview the guy...only to be convinced by him that I was the stalker and that I'm making everything up because I'm a freshman who wants a Senior. The officer believed it and told me if it happens again then I can call the police and we'll get a restraining order. The next day my little sister and I heard thumps on our roof...not just squirrel thumps, footsteps and slides. He was the only person who knew where I lived. We called the police they brought dogs and had their batons ready. He jumped off just in time and who knows where he went. But they didn't do anything. I was 15 with a stalker ex boyfriend who just couldn't let go of a "freshman girl". You would only hope I had learned from my mistake, but I didn't. My last relationship was full of lies, manipulation and total emotional abuse. I was living in denial and my family gave up on me. I thought he was a different person but I forgot about the charm some of these people have, and how strong it is when such a great manipulator holds the magical power. I lost friends, he tried to tell me what to wear, and again, I was always wrong even though I knew I was right 98% of the time. He scared me when he got mad, he had a split personality, happy and then yelling and pounding on things. I know it's not a good idea to be writing all of this but every abuser needs to be exposed. He threatened me constantly with ending the relationship and telling me he can get any girl he wants, I'm not the best out there and the best one yet "you will never be right". Girls, you should never feel like belittled, and disrespected when you think you're in love. Don't take guys who have been known to get a lot of girls, they have a charm that they'll use on you and you won't be able to say no. Trust me. They never mean it when they say they're sorry, or that they will change. GUYS WILL NEVER CHANGE FOR YOU. It takes years of therapy, life experiences and total will power to change a person. If you feel scared when you get into an argument, you aren't in a good place. When I was talking to my dad about him he told me "You have to let go of the emotional aspect and think logically". (Listen to Taylor Swift hehe). If your best friend doesn't like the guy there's a reason, I knew my best friend wouldn't like him so I prolonged them meeting. Can you say stupid? While I was at work today I came across an article in cosmopolitan, a girl who had broken up with her boyfriend was murdered. They remained friends, even though he was an emotional abuser. I realized that my mom and I could have been murdered or brutally beaten. I wished someone had told me about these signs earlier so I wouldn't have felt so unsafe about who I was with and putting myself in constant danger. A guy could be extremely sweet, but every person as a breaking point. I read these signs with my mom and every single sign made us think about our exes.

"Signs a guy could snap"
*Possessiveness-he becomes increasingly jealous of your time and tries to control who you see, what you do, where you go, maybe even the clothes you wear.
*Sudden personality shifts-he can transform swiftly from a gentle Dr.Jekyll type into a scary, angry Mr. Hyde persona
*Blaming-he makes it seem like you're wrong (and he's right) about everything and any of his problems that come up are your fault
*Demands-He doesn't take no for an answer, and you realize that his "requests" are actually "demands"
*Threats-he uses coercive psychological tactics like tears, rage, badgering, and threatening to end the relationship.
*Suicidal comments-a huge red flag-he may resort to this when it seems like nothing is working. But if he's willing to even think about it or say it, he's getting dangerously desperate. What begins as suicidal could end as murderous.

Girls, please don't ignore the signs. Yes, your boyfriend could be the best in the world, but just keep these in mind.

Any boys that read this-don't ever make your girlfriend or a GIRL feel endangered, learn how to deal with rejection and how to respect the girl's feelings. You don't want to be accountable for ending a life.


Abuse is serious and it should never be taken lightly. All throughout your life people speak about it, take action and help others who are being abused. They need all the help they can get.

Lesson Learned:Relationships are best if you're out of high school. Family knows you best and you always need another perspective if you're with someone. Take people's advice, consider critique. It's only given to help you see from a different perspective.
Don't be a victim STAY STRONG!




A great site to help teens being abused in any way possible!
http://www.loveisrespect.org/

Picture Perfect

Thanksgiving is more than just a day to be thankful for things in your life and to be around your loved ones. It's a day to realize what YOU can do to make people smile. Whether it be annoy your cousins with game after game of Taboo, laughing hysterically over knocking your little sisters head with your elbow or just eating with your split up family.

Every family has their problems. It can be living hours away and never talking, a spouse who has broken up bonds, a tragic death that no one can forgive each other for, or a simple mishap between two relatives. Thanksgiving is a day to reunite family and repair relationships. A time to make new friendships and closer bonds with your loved ones. And there wasn't a better way to do that than to go to Sun Valley with my family.

Thinking back to exactly 7 years ago when we went to Sun Valley for Thanksgiving it seemed so wonderful and so happy, this was when my mom was married to my ex step dad and we had family of 10. Everyone was happy, we were always together and there was never a dull moment. My family and I were so excited to be back in Sun Valley where the best things happen. Unfortunately I went into the trip thinking that it won't be fun since I wasn't on good terms with my mom. The drive was fine but only because I isolated myself in the backseat with my iPod and phone (I wish I read). We arrived to the lodge and the condos we were staying at (just one complex over from the ones we stayed in 7 years ago). Immediately I didn't recognize the place, I put the car in park and we unloaded the car. I racked my brain trying to figure out where we were in relation to our trip in 2002. Nothing. All I could remember was the good times at Thanksgiving dinner and the warm memories of love being all around me. Stepping out into the 25 degree weather, Mackenzie, Grace and I decided to find our favorite candy shop in the village. We searched for a good 20 minutes hitting dead end after dead end finally finding it and able to reminisce about how much money we spent the last time we were here. I realized that instead of searching for the past I have to allow my memories to just come to me. So with this new theory we ran back and vegged out for a little bit to catch up and unpack. Memory after memory kept coming back to me and all I wanted to do was to go out and relive my perfect memories. We went ice skating the next day (just like 7 years ago). Only I forgot that I'm 18 and boys are stupid...stupid enough to ram into me almost slicing my legs open or causing me to bruise my fragile tailbone. When I was 11 I sure don't remember having to deal with annoying immature 20 year old boys. But my cousins definitely made up for that stupid event, we made up silly routines clicked picture after picture and held hands to avoid a major crash. I looked up at the sky and saw the wispy clouds and the bright blue sky glowing back at me and I knew that my Thanksgiving wasn't going to be as horrible as I thought. We skated for hours and later we bought some candy, and decided to not eat for some time in order to go into our feast starving. My thanksgiving last year consisted of tons of people, and a lot of turkeys. Every one of those birds got eaten. (I was with my dad's family). I was hoping it'd be the same, but my mom's side is small, with a total of 13 grand kids..2 are boys, 3 aunts and 2 uncles and one set of G-parents. I was so excited to share what's made my year so great, and how much I love my family. But we never got to voice our thoughts...we were all too hungry. We decided to ditch the loud grown-ups sipping on wine and play a chaotic game of Taboo and jump into the 100 degree round pool. I was so happy that I got to be with my family in Sun Valley, I created brand new memories and stronger bonds with my crazy cousins. Yes, my mom is viewed as the aunt who's had two husbands and soon a third, my aunt beat viscous breast cancer and my uncle gets by with 5 girls and a house that's isolated from town, my other aunt may be the one who struggles in life but she hasn't ended up on the streets. We're a strong family, and no matter what obstacle will hit us we can overcome with ease. If it wasn't for this family, MY family would have never been able to get through a rough three years and end up in Palo Alto. We aren't perfect in other's eyes but in my eyes we're picture perfect.

Lesson Learned:
Life isn't about the people you know, how close you are to people. It's about how happy you are and how happy you make others. It's not about money, or how many sales you can hit up on Black Friday. It's family and relationships with the people you care for. If you have a lot of love in your family, there will never be a fallout great enough to break you apart from them. Love your family, no matter how insane they drive you they only do it because they love you. Tell them thank you for just being there. Life is too short to not be thankful. Give your loved ones the love they deserve, and you'll feel happier just knowing they love you back.

Memorable 18

November 17th came too quickly! I'm official and I don't feel any different. Other than I have a blue fish, more saving money, and another year to look forward to. I never knew there was a meteor shower on my birthday, and luckily my good friend from ASL informed me. It was the most amazing experience in my life. I decided to catch the last bit of the shower around 4am-6am. I just happened to wake up at 3:45 and jump onto my roof with tons of blankets. I only waited about 2 minutes until the first meteor streaked through the morning sky. I got this weird irk in my stomach that my grandpa was celebrating my 18th birthday with me (since I didn't get to see him on my trip to Utah over the weekend). I got chokey and decided to stay up until I see at least 2 and if there are anymore then it's definitely both of my grandpa's celebrating my biggest year of my teenage life. I got the privilege to see 5 beautiful meteors before snoozing off on the roof . I woke up to see another big meteor before I jumped down to get some sleep in my cozy bed. Lately getting to sleep has been a little hard for me (my ex kind of forced me to see paranormal activity..don't see it if you're paranoid at night..and get frequent panic attacks) but this morning, around 6am I went to sleep feeling like I had my two angels surrounding me. I woke up on my own again and reflected on my past years. As I got to midnight last night I remembered my ex sent me a message via facebook wishing me a happy birthday, the only thing I could do was laugh about it. It's funny how some people think their important enough AFTER they proved to you they could care less about you, that you'll miss them or go gaga over a dumb message. I deleted the message and decided to forget about him and his dumb immature ego. I'm living my life without any regret and NO MORE BOYS. I cooked up a party at my house the following Saturday and I was so ecstatic to just let go and forget about everything bad in my life. Filter it all out and focus on the good future I've lied down for myself. I'm not going to lie, being single and starting over is possibly the best thing I've decided for myself. I had no persuasion from anyone to start over. You don't have to have a good day thrust upon you, you can always make a bad day get turned around just by simply jamming out to songs in your car...or calling an old friend. Or stealing a snuggle with your dog. I couldn't be where I am now without my family and my close friends. They are my gems and my solid rocks. They keep me grounded and without them starting over new would be a little bit harder than it is now. I guess the only thing you can do is to reflect on the happy memories, never regret anything and make a new lifestyle for yourself. There isn't anything more rewarding than being proud of the person you are. Be filled with self confidence yet be humble about how confident you are. It can only make you shine more if you let others discover your confidence on their own rather than rubbing it in their face. My point is, if my 18th birthday didn't start out with that meteor shower, I wouldn't have been as inspired to start over new. You are here for a reason, so make it worth the trip! :)

Lesson Learned: Look up to the sky and you'll find what you're looking for.

Embracing Today

"Embrace today because we are never guaranteed tomorrow!"

Life can be full of unexpected happenings. College app deadlines randomly changing without notification, a loved one's death, a sudden heartbreak, a new friend who was once your enemy and a brand new chapter. I've decided to start over, as I previously said in my other entries, but I don't think I realized I would actually be starting fresh. I've never felt so free and so happy in my life, my cheeks hurt from smiling so much and I have a sore spot in my chest from laughing hard so much. I never though starting my new life would be this great. Unfortunately good things never last for long! Today wasn't my best day out of my past three weeks, but it was a great learning experience. Dealing with consequences is something I've always been able to do. But this time it was a consequence that wasn't really deserved. I tried incredibly hard to bite my tongue and stick it out but for some reason I just couldn't shut my mouth. Now that I'm out of such a "bite my tongue" relationship, I'm not holding back with anyone. Which creates a problem with my mom. I wasn't my happy self today, but I embraced every moment of my bad day. You can't always live looking back on the past, on what you should have done. You have to look forward and keep your head up right in order to fully understand what you're doing here. Grace and I rode the bus home together and we made a tiny observation of why we got off where we did. I decided to get off a little further back from our street so we can just walk straight ahead, while grace wanted to get off at the stop further ahead and walk backwards. I told her "we can't be moving backwards! we have to keep moving forward! NO DWELLING ON THE PAST!" she quickly laughed and said "Yeaaah I do dwell on the past" laughing in unison we got into an argument after Gracie tried to justify how we wouldn't really be moving backwards but making a shortcut. There's no such thing as a short cut in life. I can't talk my way out of this consequence, I can't justify why I was late. I can only accept what I've done, and deal with no car for two days. Instead of racking my brain on how I deserved this, what I did, and how it's never happened before won't get me anywhere. Accepting it and moving forward will get me a lot further than whining and complaining. I'm brushing it off with a smile, life is too short to relive the past. It's long enough to share smiles and laughs with the ones we love.

Lesson Learned: Deal with today, don't deal with the past it will only make you miserable. Live in the now, live life to the fullest laughing and smiling every opportunity you are handed, because you never know what's in store for you tomorrow!

Dreams

Every girl has a dream about "coming of age"-turning 18 and being seen as a woman. For me my journey has been rough, just as plenty of other girls. I have always pictured my life a certain way. Like living in Utah with my whole family, going to Sherman Kendall's Beauty school and owning my own salon. I never thought about the possibility of change in my life until October 31st 2009. After breaking up with my boyfriend of roughly a year I knew what I had to do. I was going to be selfish and indulge myself any way possible. The only people I should be pleasing are my family and God. "Forget about boys, boys are stupid!" The quote of my Halloween night. The person who said it was right! Why should I impress someone who won't even be in my life forever? I shouldn't! There is never ever a reason for you to lower your morals and standards for ANYONE. I'm learning how to put myself before others for a while. it's MY senior year MY year to decide what to do for the rest of MY life...okay for the next 10 years. I'm sticking to promises, plans and to the friends who have always been there for me. You can never go wrong with a good friend. you can't think "how does this person benefit me", you must think about how this person adds happiness, joy and clarity to your life. If you think about those 3 things before you become close to one person, you will never have to worry about betrayal. I made a promise to my old best friend my sophomore year. We promised to be best friends no matter what, we had a fallout but I didn't know who I was. I only knew who I was to one person. Girls-don't waste your time on someone who makes you confused about your life and who you are. Waste time on girlfriends who giggle and gossip till the night ends. Waste time on people who want to care for you. Who want to talk for hours on end about nothing. Be with people who make you laugh just out of happiness who will excite you for no other reason than to be living your lives together. Yesterday morning I went on a field trip with some great people from my sign language class. We finally go to go the Deaf school in Fremont. I love being in sign language and to have the opportunity to see and speak with people who are so amazing and grateful for life. It makes me strive to be at least half of who they are. I can't think about y life without my friends and my family. They help frame who I am today. I can say I'm a strong woman who won't waste time on charmers, but who will waste time on loving life and the people in it. I love my life and the only person I can truly thank is the man upstairs. I wouldn't even be here without his guidance and choice to put me here. I will always be thankful to him, life wouldn't exist without the gift of love and joy.

Lesson Learned: Be yourself, Be grateful, Be here, Exist.

A great new week!

I've never had such an amazing week! I thought adjusting to my new life would be really hard, but since I did the right thing, I guess someone up there decided to reward me for once!
My week started off rocky, I have a cold...a really nasty cold and I worked a lot. Not complaining about any of it. I love my job and I...can deal with a cold! Nothing can ever replace how happy I feel with my new chapter in my life. As my old friend would say "you may have ripped out a chapter, but you're replacing it with the best chapter of your whole book". I'm almost 18 and I think I was too afraid to be who I am alone. After all, my..ex *gulp* was the one who made me really find myself, so I was only myself around him since I spent most of my time with him. But now, I'm my own person and I'm sharing it with everyone. I'm so happy right now, my nanny job pays off so much. Taking care of a child is the best thing you can do for yourself, you have to be selfless and think only about what they need, not what you need from them. (Like for them to stop crying). It also makes you not care about what other people say about the situation...or any situation even when you aren't around the kid. For instance, my lame high school peers think they're so superior to everyone else around them that they believe talking about my blog is going to get them anywhere. I know, pathetic.

Anyways, MY life is honestly turning around. Instead always being in a confused state of mind and always having a foggy mind, I'm happy, I know what I want and my mind is so clear. Everyday can only get better from here, and if not I'm always going to find a way to make it better. I've decided to change my ways. Keep every promise I make and be risky and live my life to the fullest. The little things that will get to me, I'm going to make sure I karate kick their bums outta' my life. I'm going to visit my family in Utah next weekend, it's the perfect thing I need for my new chapter. A new look, a new "MO", and a new personality. My family is my rock, even though we have our days, I don't think I'll ever want to be away from them.
Life is more than just living it, it's living IN your life. Be a part of anything you can, grasp any opportunity for new windows and new people that come at you. Live in your life for you but live your life for others.

Lesson Learned: Life is great.

Consider Me Gone

Life can only get harder once you've had a taste of the good times. And having someone in your life is even harder.

Sometimes it's hard to think about your life without this certain someone, yet there are times when you wish they weren't with you so you can go on with your life without having to worry about that person. And then there are the times when you wonder why they're even staying with you because they can say the worst most horrid things to your face without even regretting it. It's so hard to think clearly and have family put in their opinion at the same time. Sometimes I begin to second guess myself and I'm finally beginning to realize that I'm my own person and nobody can tell me what I am, what I mean and who I am.
I'm the girl who cares too much about people, the girl who literally wears her heart on her sleeve. I don't know why I do this, I consider myself a relatively good person, friend and girlfriend. To some people though, I'm not. Even to him.
You're in life so you can let go of the most important people in your life, it will be hard but in the end it will be for the best. Boyfriends aren't meant for seventeen year old girls who had a hard childhood, and who depend on only themselves to get them through the tough days. But a relationship is for a girl who knows what she wants, who is that man's everything and more.
I promised myself never to settle for less, and yet here I am being disposed of by a guy who I thought would treat me like my Grandpa taught me I should be treated.
I can't say I regret losing him, even though he was a part of me, it was for the best.
Even though nothing will ever replace him or what he had or heal my broken heart, I can always look back on our good times. I'll cry for days wishing it was back to the way it used to be, but at least now I have another trial to get through, another draft in my book of life I need to revise.

Something that made me realize breaking up was my last option for healing a part of my broken heart. Though some of it isn't true, it made me realize he was right, he could do better.

Every time i turn the conversation to something deeper than the weather i can feel you all but shuttin' down.
And when i need an explanation for the silence you just tell me you don't wanna talk about it now.

Bridge: 1
What you're not saying is coming in loud and clear we're at a crossroads here...

Chorus:
If i'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose
If i'm not that arrow to the heart of you
If you don't get drunk on my kiss
If you think you can do better than this then i guess we're done
Let's not drag this on
Consider me gone

Verse 2:
With you i've always been wide open like a window or an ocean. there is nothing i've ever tried to hide.
So when you leave me not knowin' where you're goin' i start thinkin' that we're lookin' we're lookin' at goodbye.

Bridge 2:
How about a strong shot of honesty don't you owe that to me...

Chorus:
If i'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose
If i'm not that arrow to the heart of you
If you don't get drunk on my kiss
If you think you can do better than this then i guess we're done
Let's not drag this on
Consider me gone.

Consider me a memory.
Consider me the past.
Consider me a smile in an old photograph someone who used to make you laugh.

If i'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose
If i'm not that arrow to the heart of you
Then i guess we're done let's not drag this on.
Consider me gone.
Consider me gone.
Consider me gone.
Just consider me gone.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F8wloiDgFx4&feature=related

Lesson Learned?
I don't know the lesson, the only thing I do know is this-
Live your life the way you want to, I held on for as long as I could and loved as hard as I was able to. They can take it or leave it.
Just pray that they'll take you.

To live is to learn

This week has been filled with wonderful learning experiences!
I learned on Monday patience, patience with babies...and crazy drivers who like to change lanes without signaling and then driving under the already slow speed limit.
Patience:
quiet, steady perseverance; even-tempered care; diligence: to work with patience.

Now, after looking this definition up there was another definition given, SOLITAIRE, which is also called patience (who knew), to arrange the cards in a predetermined manner.

The game of solitaire is a simple one person game except when you get stuck in a huge solitaire pickle and you need someone's advice on how to get your cards rearranged. Just as life is, at times.

My life in the past week has been a game of solitaire. I've had to go through a deck of cards just to find the one card I needed to get a free space. Whether it be a financial decision, my future, or what time to wake up. I've ended up in a quite a few "solitaire pickles". My mom's birthday was this week, and last Saturday she got engaged! I really couldn't be any happier for my mom and her fiance. Our life is FINALLY turning around, but, this new income of news has definitely altered my future plans. Should I go to the two new colleges I've fell in love with or stay home so my little sister won't have to switch high schools. I don't see this happy engagement as a burden. Not at all. I see it as an opportunity. A new card to find a new space.
Not only was my week exciting, I'm finally starting to piece together what I want for myself for MY future. Not just what everyone thinks I should do. I'll ask for some advice on where to lay my cards, however, with a touch of my thoughts here and there.
Another great thing that's happened to me...more just pathetic and something everyone loves to hate about high school.
The typical "you ruined my life/night of partying" gag. Of course when you stray away from a certain group because all they are capable of is creating lies, and think they can gain friendships from that. I've chosen to be patient and not only will I find a way out of it I have my guardian angels and my angels here, my family and my true friends. My Grandpa is such a great example for patience, I don't say was because he'll never be gone in my eyes. I've learned so much from him and even more from my own mom. I'm switching cards, placing my card on something better, more benefiting for myself. Laughing at how ridiculous people can be and how sad they'll be when they're 20 and they try to create something out of nothing.

A lesson for everyone:
Patience is a virtue. Living is learning along the way, and solitaire is the best game to take out your troubles on. :)


P.S. Sorry I didn't blog for so long, so many lessons so little time!
xox

"Press Me"

It seems as though every time I or my family have a great life after a great tragedy, God shoves something our way, yet again. It's like he has a button for the Owen family and it goes off whenever things are too good.

I know it may seem weird but, for some odd reason I get this gloomy, nothing-can-help feeling when someone..anyone dies. Nothing makes me happy...absolutely nothing, I'm always spacing out and I can't fully concentrate. I guess you can say I have a keen sense for death...how sad right?
Anyways, last wednesday, the 23rd of August, my grandpa Owen passed away during heart surgery. The day after I had made tons of money to "groove up" Charlie, My mom called me in Wal-Mart when I was buying cd cases for my visors. Literally the second I was walking into Wal-Mart I knew she had news of some sort of death, I freaked out thinking Grandma has. But no, it was Grandpa, I had no idea he went into surgery that day. My brain did an immediate shut down. I circle around Wal-Mart for about twenty minutes trying to find my way to the auto section, never realizing I passed it everytime I turned left. I found my cd cases as I breathe in deeply, shakily trying to save my break down for Charlie's ears. I couldn't stop thinking "why why why why?" I wanted both my Grandma AND Grandpa to see my graduation pictures, my tassle and cap my GOWN. I wanted them both to be at my wedding. My Grandma, bless her heart (no pun intended) has been fighting heart problems for I think, a good six years now. Every year it was "She won't make it past december" but she always kicked her medical problems in the hiney. I thought they both had a good twenty years in them. Of course, hopefully Grandma will. Many people I've talked to told me "it was his turn to share his life with god".
I cried the whole way back from Wal-Mart, it was too soon I was going to visit within 2 months, I wanted one last goodbye another one of his sweet, after-shave-smelling-cologne kisses. But someone up there saw a good time to press that huge, giant, taunting red DESTROY HAPPINESS, NEW CHALLENGE button. THANKS!
Grace and I left for Utah Friday morning thanks to our Uncle Randy who flew us out and got us an early flight. The past week hasn't been the best week. The weekend was one of the hardest ones of my life. Seeing my Grandpa Sunday made it real, he's gone, never coming back. Never coming back into that door to hug me hello. My dad's side of the family (my grandpa is his dad) are all close, and we are all close to both our grandparents. We've all seen eachother's life trials and we have all been there to support eachother. Our whole family cried sunday and monday. I admire my Grandmother for staying so strong while her whole family broke down. She's a solid rock of love and support. Throughout the funeral on Monday, my dad made me realize we have to treat everyone we love and care about as if it was our last time. Because you honestly don't know if it's your last time. I got a little impatient when we went to American Fork to visit, and I now regret feeling like that. Napping instead of socializing because I was up so late chattering with Sher or just enjoying being with my dad.
My grandpa was not one to judge, neither was his wife.
They showed us how to choose wisely and I had never noticed it until this weekend.
He found happiness in every crooke and cranny of life. He shared so much love, and so much happiness for life, you couldn't help my smile when he cried tears of joy when nothing but his family was surrounding him.
I'm taking that as an example for myself.

I'm writing this to show that person up there pressing that Destroy happiness button, they can press it all they want because from now on it isn't working. I won't allow it to work. There is happiness in every trial.
We cannot survive off of happiness alone, we survive off of support, love and caring people in our lives.

Rest in Peace Grandpa, Hope to see you when it's my turn! :)



Inspiring songs:
Live like you were dying-Tim Mcgraw
Unwritten-Natasha Bedingfield
Seasons of Love-Rent (musical)
That's How you Know-Enchanted Soundtrack
Happy ever after-carrie underwood
once in a lifetime-keith urban

Them Good Ol' Days

Sometimes I wish I could go back to when I was four, and only spoke to family and Sharlee. That way my words wouldn't get twisted and people who actually fall for made up stories won't allow themselves to hear the truth. It's the sad people who believe high school is like 90210 or Gossip Girl. Gag me! Not to hate on high school or people, but I strongly dislike superficial friends, or even people for that matter. I see no future for them, and since I'm a little too caring for people I hardly know I tend to comment on it. Sure it's not a very healthy habit, but it's a habit nonetheless and I think it's the only way I can let out my anger.
Sadly enough I lost who I thought was a good friend, but it turns out she only wants to say she is, she can't be friends with me or the girl (ex-friend) I'm having problems with right now. I understand it's hard to have two friends not talking and having a falling out, but I see no reason why you should ever ditch the other person, turn your back on them, and never stick up for them.
I have to be biased. Utah was such a more welcoming place for me, I never felt like I had drama there and I was there till 7th grade, you know when girls are at their caddy-est. I never got involved because the people there didn't do what people here do. Makeup lies just to get a conversation going. I know, "it's high school" but why can't people change the way they raise their kids? Here, in Palo Alto the majority of kids are handed everything, at least from what I observe. They get their car for birthdays, they "earn" money for grades, and yet they have the nerve to call themselves independent, but me, who has worked for everything am not? I don't think so!
A background check.
When I was born I was born with the imbecilic chord wrapped all around me and I was stuck, so knowing the exciting new technology boom (90's) they vacuumed my sweet little blue baby head out of there. I believe this had caused SOME damage to my brain..I mean come on..a freaking VACUUM on a baby who hasn't been OFFICIALLY born?! Anyways, I was just one of those unlucky babies who had to spend weeks and days and random visits to the hospital. Well, when it came time for me to speak and my mom dad were doing what parents do with babies "SAY MA MA!" nothing came out of my mouth but "AH-EE" yep, I couldn't pronounce consonants only vowels. I slightly remember, like a dream, that I always thought I was speaking normally and the person I was talking to just couldn't understand me. So I was always huffing and puffing after they said "what was that?" for the fifth time in a row.
Kindergarten rolled by and I had started to read billboards and chapter books, but I was shy with speaking to new people. My kindergarten teacher Mrs. Olpen, man do I miss that lady, was one of the few I would speak to. I was self-conscious now, I went to a special day care/pre-school and everyone in my kindergarten afternoon class always looked at me funny when I spoke. The mean kids that probably ended up like the kids at my high school who are superficial, gave me the name "Mere-deaf" they thought they were so clever, of course this silenced me and when my mom got married I would rarely talk, but my family and close friends of ours knew my crazy hyper personality because they never judged me. When I went to Granite Elementary I spoke a lot more and made a lot more friends. Even till now, I'm shy at first because of that kid fear of judgment.
If only high school were like this. Back to Elementary school when things didn't matter. You could say whatever to whoever and then forget about it at recess or beat them at kickball and you're all better. I've come to realize that you can't do anything but ignore and deal with it.
So that's what I've been doing, ignoring and avoiding, but it bit me in my butt Friday.
Katie, one of the few I wanted to remain close to decided to show her true colors, or so I think. Not only did she ditch me the day before, she took back what she said about understanding what I'm going there and that she'll always be there for me. And I know why. People who can lie and make up grand stories and twist my words, are usually the people who can convince close friends to believe that I'm pitying myself, and thinking I'm innocent.
No one is innocent, unless they're honest. I've been honest in my friendships throughout my 4 years, it's hard being surrounded by drama and lies and rumors and never knowing who's truly good or who's just bad news. It's sad to see that now a days "I forgive you" doesn't mean the same thing. It's sad that I've lost another friend, but it can only be another gain.
This next week I'm promising to myself that I won't let these immature seniors get in my way of finding myself. I have a pretty good idea who I am, but the only thing left to figure out is who I want to be. Do I want to be the girl who lost a lot, but gained so much more, or the girl who gave up but at least she knew who she was.
I'm choosing to be both, I'm giving up on people who show only interest in what I have to say about who. I'm gaining more friendships and more opportunities to seize my career dream. Thanks to Zoe for the suggestion :D. I'm opening up my heart and mind to see the good in people, and my instinct compass to find those good natured people in my school, and out of school.
My lesson for the week: If you know who you are, you have nothing to fear. People who are aware of your true-self will see that you have more to offer than you thought. Be confident in yourself, it's not always about who's right and who's wrong, she said he said. It's about what is right and what your gut and heart say. Life has more to offer than high school drama. It's an experience to learn from, and I think I'm beginning to finally ace some tests :)