Life can only get harder once you've had a taste of the good times. And having someone in your life is even harder.
Sometimes it's hard to think about your life without this certain someone, yet there are times when you wish they weren't with you so you can go on with your life without having to worry about that person. And then there are the times when you wonder why they're even staying with you because they can say the worst most horrid things to your face without even regretting it. It's so hard to think clearly and have family put in their opinion at the same time. Sometimes I begin to second guess myself and I'm finally beginning to realize that I'm my own person and nobody can tell me what I am, what I mean and who I am.
I'm the girl who cares too much about people, the girl who literally wears her heart on her sleeve. I don't know why I do this, I consider myself a relatively good person, friend and girlfriend. To some people though, I'm not. Even to him.
You're in life so you can let go of the most important people in your life, it will be hard but in the end it will be for the best. Boyfriends aren't meant for seventeen year old girls who had a hard childhood, and who depend on only themselves to get them through the tough days. But a relationship is for a girl who knows what she wants, who is that man's everything and more.
I promised myself never to settle for less, and yet here I am being disposed of by a guy who I thought would treat me like my Grandpa taught me I should be treated.
I can't say I regret losing him, even though he was a part of me, it was for the best.
Even though nothing will ever replace him or what he had or heal my broken heart, I can always look back on our good times. I'll cry for days wishing it was back to the way it used to be, but at least now I have another trial to get through, another draft in my book of life I need to revise.
Something that made me realize breaking up was my last option for healing a part of my broken heart. Though some of it isn't true, it made me realize he was right, he could do better.
Every time i turn the conversation to something deeper than the weather i can feel you all but shuttin' down.
And when i need an explanation for the silence you just tell me you don't wanna talk about it now.
Bridge: 1
What you're not saying is coming in loud and clear we're at a crossroads here...
Chorus:
If i'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose
If i'm not that arrow to the heart of you
If you don't get drunk on my kiss
If you think you can do better than this then i guess we're done
Let's not drag this on
Consider me gone
Verse 2:
With you i've always been wide open like a window or an ocean. there is nothing i've ever tried to hide.
So when you leave me not knowin' where you're goin' i start thinkin' that we're lookin' we're lookin' at goodbye.
Bridge 2:
How about a strong shot of honesty don't you owe that to me...
Chorus:
If i'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose
If i'm not that arrow to the heart of you
If you don't get drunk on my kiss
If you think you can do better than this then i guess we're done
Let's not drag this on
Consider me gone.
Consider me a memory.
Consider me the past.
Consider me a smile in an old photograph someone who used to make you laugh.
If i'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose
If i'm not that arrow to the heart of you
Then i guess we're done let's not drag this on.
Consider me gone.
Consider me gone.
Consider me gone.
Just consider me gone.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F8wloiDgFx4&feature=related
Lesson Learned?
I don't know the lesson, the only thing I do know is this-
Live your life the way you want to, I held on for as long as I could and loved as hard as I was able to. They can take it or leave it.
Just pray that they'll take you.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Sunday, October 11, 2009
To live is to learn
This week has been filled with wonderful learning experiences!
I learned on Monday patience, patience with babies...and crazy drivers who like to change lanes without signaling and then driving under the already slow speed limit.
Patience:
quiet, steady perseverance; even-tempered care; diligence: to work with patience.
Now, after looking this definition up there was another definition given, SOLITAIRE, which is also called patience (who knew), to arrange the cards in a predetermined manner.
The game of solitaire is a simple one person game except when you get stuck in a huge solitaire pickle and you need someone's advice on how to get your cards rearranged. Just as life is, at times.
My life in the past week has been a game of solitaire. I've had to go through a deck of cards just to find the one card I needed to get a free space. Whether it be a financial decision, my future, or what time to wake up. I've ended up in a quite a few "solitaire pickles". My mom's birthday was this week, and last Saturday she got engaged! I really couldn't be any happier for my mom and her fiance. Our life is FINALLY turning around, but, this new income of news has definitely altered my future plans. Should I go to the two new colleges I've fell in love with or stay home so my little sister won't have to switch high schools. I don't see this happy engagement as a burden. Not at all. I see it as an opportunity. A new card to find a new space.
Not only was my week exciting, I'm finally starting to piece together what I want for myself for MY future. Not just what everyone thinks I should do. I'll ask for some advice on where to lay my cards, however, with a touch of my thoughts here and there.
Another great thing that's happened to me...more just pathetic and something everyone loves to hate about high school.
The typical "you ruined my life/night of partying" gag. Of course when you stray away from a certain group because all they are capable of is creating lies, and think they can gain friendships from that. I've chosen to be patient and not only will I find a way out of it I have my guardian angels and my angels here, my family and my true friends. My Grandpa is such a great example for patience, I don't say was because he'll never be gone in my eyes. I've learned so much from him and even more from my own mom. I'm switching cards, placing my card on something better, more benefiting for myself. Laughing at how ridiculous people can be and how sad they'll be when they're 20 and they try to create something out of nothing.
A lesson for everyone:
Patience is a virtue. Living is learning along the way, and solitaire is the best game to take out your troubles on. :)
P.S. Sorry I didn't blog for so long, so many lessons so little time!
xox
I learned on Monday patience, patience with babies...and crazy drivers who like to change lanes without signaling and then driving under the already slow speed limit.
Patience:
quiet, steady perseverance; even-tempered care; diligence: to work with patience.
Now, after looking this definition up there was another definition given, SOLITAIRE, which is also called patience (who knew), to arrange the cards in a predetermined manner.
The game of solitaire is a simple one person game except when you get stuck in a huge solitaire pickle and you need someone's advice on how to get your cards rearranged. Just as life is, at times.
My life in the past week has been a game of solitaire. I've had to go through a deck of cards just to find the one card I needed to get a free space. Whether it be a financial decision, my future, or what time to wake up. I've ended up in a quite a few "solitaire pickles". My mom's birthday was this week, and last Saturday she got engaged! I really couldn't be any happier for my mom and her fiance. Our life is FINALLY turning around, but, this new income of news has definitely altered my future plans. Should I go to the two new colleges I've fell in love with or stay home so my little sister won't have to switch high schools. I don't see this happy engagement as a burden. Not at all. I see it as an opportunity. A new card to find a new space.
Not only was my week exciting, I'm finally starting to piece together what I want for myself for MY future. Not just what everyone thinks I should do. I'll ask for some advice on where to lay my cards, however, with a touch of my thoughts here and there.
Another great thing that's happened to me...more just pathetic and something everyone loves to hate about high school.
The typical "you ruined my life/night of partying" gag. Of course when you stray away from a certain group because all they are capable of is creating lies, and think they can gain friendships from that. I've chosen to be patient and not only will I find a way out of it I have my guardian angels and my angels here, my family and my true friends. My Grandpa is such a great example for patience, I don't say was because he'll never be gone in my eyes. I've learned so much from him and even more from my own mom. I'm switching cards, placing my card on something better, more benefiting for myself. Laughing at how ridiculous people can be and how sad they'll be when they're 20 and they try to create something out of nothing.
A lesson for everyone:
Patience is a virtue. Living is learning along the way, and solitaire is the best game to take out your troubles on. :)
P.S. Sorry I didn't blog for so long, so many lessons so little time!
xox
Friday, October 2, 2009
"Press Me"
It seems as though every time I or my family have a great life after a great tragedy, God shoves something our way, yet again. It's like he has a button for the Owen family and it goes off whenever things are too good.
I know it may seem weird but, for some odd reason I get this gloomy, nothing-can-help feeling when someone..anyone dies. Nothing makes me happy...absolutely nothing, I'm always spacing out and I can't fully concentrate. I guess you can say I have a keen sense for death...how sad right?
Anyways, last wednesday, the 23rd of August, my grandpa Owen passed away during heart surgery. The day after I had made tons of money to "groove up" Charlie, My mom called me in Wal-Mart when I was buying cd cases for my visors. Literally the second I was walking into Wal-Mart I knew she had news of some sort of death, I freaked out thinking Grandma has. But no, it was Grandpa, I had no idea he went into surgery that day. My brain did an immediate shut down. I circle around Wal-Mart for about twenty minutes trying to find my way to the auto section, never realizing I passed it everytime I turned left. I found my cd cases as I breathe in deeply, shakily trying to save my break down for Charlie's ears. I couldn't stop thinking "why why why why?" I wanted both my Grandma AND Grandpa to see my graduation pictures, my tassle and cap my GOWN. I wanted them both to be at my wedding. My Grandma, bless her heart (no pun intended) has been fighting heart problems for I think, a good six years now. Every year it was "She won't make it past december" but she always kicked her medical problems in the hiney. I thought they both had a good twenty years in them. Of course, hopefully Grandma will. Many people I've talked to told me "it was his turn to share his life with god".
I cried the whole way back from Wal-Mart, it was too soon I was going to visit within 2 months, I wanted one last goodbye another one of his sweet, after-shave-smelling-cologne kisses. But someone up there saw a good time to press that huge, giant, taunting red DESTROY HAPPINESS, NEW CHALLENGE button. THANKS!
Grace and I left for Utah Friday morning thanks to our Uncle Randy who flew us out and got us an early flight. The past week hasn't been the best week. The weekend was one of the hardest ones of my life. Seeing my Grandpa Sunday made it real, he's gone, never coming back. Never coming back into that door to hug me hello. My dad's side of the family (my grandpa is his dad) are all close, and we are all close to both our grandparents. We've all seen eachother's life trials and we have all been there to support eachother. Our whole family cried sunday and monday. I admire my Grandmother for staying so strong while her whole family broke down. She's a solid rock of love and support. Throughout the funeral on Monday, my dad made me realize we have to treat everyone we love and care about as if it was our last time. Because you honestly don't know if it's your last time. I got a little impatient when we went to American Fork to visit, and I now regret feeling like that. Napping instead of socializing because I was up so late chattering with Sher or just enjoying being with my dad.
My grandpa was not one to judge, neither was his wife.
They showed us how to choose wisely and I had never noticed it until this weekend.
He found happiness in every crooke and cranny of life. He shared so much love, and so much happiness for life, you couldn't help my smile when he cried tears of joy when nothing but his family was surrounding him.
I'm taking that as an example for myself.
I'm writing this to show that person up there pressing that Destroy happiness button, they can press it all they want because from now on it isn't working. I won't allow it to work. There is happiness in every trial.
We cannot survive off of happiness alone, we survive off of support, love and caring people in our lives.
Rest in Peace Grandpa, Hope to see you when it's my turn! :)
Inspiring songs:
Live like you were dying-Tim Mcgraw
Unwritten-Natasha Bedingfield
Seasons of Love-Rent (musical)
That's How you Know-Enchanted Soundtrack
Happy ever after-carrie underwood
once in a lifetime-keith urban
I know it may seem weird but, for some odd reason I get this gloomy, nothing-can-help feeling when someone..anyone dies. Nothing makes me happy...absolutely nothing, I'm always spacing out and I can't fully concentrate. I guess you can say I have a keen sense for death...how sad right?
Anyways, last wednesday, the 23rd of August, my grandpa Owen passed away during heart surgery. The day after I had made tons of money to "groove up" Charlie, My mom called me in Wal-Mart when I was buying cd cases for my visors. Literally the second I was walking into Wal-Mart I knew she had news of some sort of death, I freaked out thinking Grandma has. But no, it was Grandpa, I had no idea he went into surgery that day. My brain did an immediate shut down. I circle around Wal-Mart for about twenty minutes trying to find my way to the auto section, never realizing I passed it everytime I turned left. I found my cd cases as I breathe in deeply, shakily trying to save my break down for Charlie's ears. I couldn't stop thinking "why why why why?" I wanted both my Grandma AND Grandpa to see my graduation pictures, my tassle and cap my GOWN. I wanted them both to be at my wedding. My Grandma, bless her heart (no pun intended) has been fighting heart problems for I think, a good six years now. Every year it was "She won't make it past december" but she always kicked her medical problems in the hiney. I thought they both had a good twenty years in them. Of course, hopefully Grandma will. Many people I've talked to told me "it was his turn to share his life with god".
I cried the whole way back from Wal-Mart, it was too soon I was going to visit within 2 months, I wanted one last goodbye another one of his sweet, after-shave-smelling-cologne kisses. But someone up there saw a good time to press that huge, giant, taunting red DESTROY HAPPINESS, NEW CHALLENGE button. THANKS!
Grace and I left for Utah Friday morning thanks to our Uncle Randy who flew us out and got us an early flight. The past week hasn't been the best week. The weekend was one of the hardest ones of my life. Seeing my Grandpa Sunday made it real, he's gone, never coming back. Never coming back into that door to hug me hello. My dad's side of the family (my grandpa is his dad) are all close, and we are all close to both our grandparents. We've all seen eachother's life trials and we have all been there to support eachother. Our whole family cried sunday and monday. I admire my Grandmother for staying so strong while her whole family broke down. She's a solid rock of love and support. Throughout the funeral on Monday, my dad made me realize we have to treat everyone we love and care about as if it was our last time. Because you honestly don't know if it's your last time. I got a little impatient when we went to American Fork to visit, and I now regret feeling like that. Napping instead of socializing because I was up so late chattering with Sher or just enjoying being with my dad.
My grandpa was not one to judge, neither was his wife.
They showed us how to choose wisely and I had never noticed it until this weekend.
He found happiness in every crooke and cranny of life. He shared so much love, and so much happiness for life, you couldn't help my smile when he cried tears of joy when nothing but his family was surrounding him.
I'm taking that as an example for myself.
I'm writing this to show that person up there pressing that Destroy happiness button, they can press it all they want because from now on it isn't working. I won't allow it to work. There is happiness in every trial.
We cannot survive off of happiness alone, we survive off of support, love and caring people in our lives.
Rest in Peace Grandpa, Hope to see you when it's my turn! :)
Inspiring songs:
Live like you were dying-Tim Mcgraw
Unwritten-Natasha Bedingfield
Seasons of Love-Rent (musical)
That's How you Know-Enchanted Soundtrack
Happy ever after-carrie underwood
once in a lifetime-keith urban
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Them Good Ol' Days
Sometimes I wish I could go back to when I was four, and only spoke to family and Sharlee. That way my words wouldn't get twisted and people who actually fall for made up stories won't allow themselves to hear the truth. It's the sad people who believe high school is like 90210 or Gossip Girl. Gag me! Not to hate on high school or people, but I strongly dislike superficial friends, or even people for that matter. I see no future for them, and since I'm a little too caring for people I hardly know I tend to comment on it. Sure it's not a very healthy habit, but it's a habit nonetheless and I think it's the only way I can let out my anger.
Sadly enough I lost who I thought was a good friend, but it turns out she only wants to say she is, she can't be friends with me or the girl (ex-friend) I'm having problems with right now. I understand it's hard to have two friends not talking and having a falling out, but I see no reason why you should ever ditch the other person, turn your back on them, and never stick up for them.
I have to be biased. Utah was such a more welcoming place for me, I never felt like I had drama there and I was there till 7th grade, you know when girls are at their caddy-est. I never got involved because the people there didn't do what people here do. Makeup lies just to get a conversation going. I know, "it's high school" but why can't people change the way they raise their kids? Here, in Palo Alto the majority of kids are handed everything, at least from what I observe. They get their car for birthdays, they "earn" money for grades, and yet they have the nerve to call themselves independent, but me, who has worked for everything am not? I don't think so!
A background check.
When I was born I was born with the imbecilic chord wrapped all around me and I was stuck, so knowing the exciting new technology boom (90's) they vacuumed my sweet little blue baby head out of there. I believe this had caused SOME damage to my brain..I mean come on..a freaking VACUUM on a baby who hasn't been OFFICIALLY born?! Anyways, I was just one of those unlucky babies who had to spend weeks and days and random visits to the hospital. Well, when it came time for me to speak and my mom dad were doing what parents do with babies "SAY MA MA!" nothing came out of my mouth but "AH-EE" yep, I couldn't pronounce consonants only vowels. I slightly remember, like a dream, that I always thought I was speaking normally and the person I was talking to just couldn't understand me. So I was always huffing and puffing after they said "what was that?" for the fifth time in a row.
Kindergarten rolled by and I had started to read billboards and chapter books, but I was shy with speaking to new people. My kindergarten teacher Mrs. Olpen, man do I miss that lady, was one of the few I would speak to. I was self-conscious now, I went to a special day care/pre-school and everyone in my kindergarten afternoon class always looked at me funny when I spoke. The mean kids that probably ended up like the kids at my high school who are superficial, gave me the name "Mere-deaf" they thought they were so clever, of course this silenced me and when my mom got married I would rarely talk, but my family and close friends of ours knew my crazy hyper personality because they never judged me. When I went to Granite Elementary I spoke a lot more and made a lot more friends. Even till now, I'm shy at first because of that kid fear of judgment.
If only high school were like this. Back to Elementary school when things didn't matter. You could say whatever to whoever and then forget about it at recess or beat them at kickball and you're all better. I've come to realize that you can't do anything but ignore and deal with it.
So that's what I've been doing, ignoring and avoiding, but it bit me in my butt Friday.
Katie, one of the few I wanted to remain close to decided to show her true colors, or so I think. Not only did she ditch me the day before, she took back what she said about understanding what I'm going there and that she'll always be there for me. And I know why. People who can lie and make up grand stories and twist my words, are usually the people who can convince close friends to believe that I'm pitying myself, and thinking I'm innocent.
No one is innocent, unless they're honest. I've been honest in my friendships throughout my 4 years, it's hard being surrounded by drama and lies and rumors and never knowing who's truly good or who's just bad news. It's sad to see that now a days "I forgive you" doesn't mean the same thing. It's sad that I've lost another friend, but it can only be another gain.
This next week I'm promising to myself that I won't let these immature seniors get in my way of finding myself. I have a pretty good idea who I am, but the only thing left to figure out is who I want to be. Do I want to be the girl who lost a lot, but gained so much more, or the girl who gave up but at least she knew who she was.
I'm choosing to be both, I'm giving up on people who show only interest in what I have to say about who. I'm gaining more friendships and more opportunities to seize my career dream. Thanks to Zoe for the suggestion :D. I'm opening up my heart and mind to see the good in people, and my instinct compass to find those good natured people in my school, and out of school.
My lesson for the week: If you know who you are, you have nothing to fear. People who are aware of your true-self will see that you have more to offer than you thought. Be confident in yourself, it's not always about who's right and who's wrong, she said he said. It's about what is right and what your gut and heart say. Life has more to offer than high school drama. It's an experience to learn from, and I think I'm beginning to finally ace some tests :)
Sadly enough I lost who I thought was a good friend, but it turns out she only wants to say she is, she can't be friends with me or the girl (ex-friend) I'm having problems with right now. I understand it's hard to have two friends not talking and having a falling out, but I see no reason why you should ever ditch the other person, turn your back on them, and never stick up for them.
I have to be biased. Utah was such a more welcoming place for me, I never felt like I had drama there and I was there till 7th grade, you know when girls are at their caddy-est. I never got involved because the people there didn't do what people here do. Makeup lies just to get a conversation going. I know, "it's high school" but why can't people change the way they raise their kids? Here, in Palo Alto the majority of kids are handed everything, at least from what I observe. They get their car for birthdays, they "earn" money for grades, and yet they have the nerve to call themselves independent, but me, who has worked for everything am not? I don't think so!
A background check.
When I was born I was born with the imbecilic chord wrapped all around me and I was stuck, so knowing the exciting new technology boom (90's) they vacuumed my sweet little blue baby head out of there. I believe this had caused SOME damage to my brain..I mean come on..a freaking VACUUM on a baby who hasn't been OFFICIALLY born?! Anyways, I was just one of those unlucky babies who had to spend weeks and days and random visits to the hospital. Well, when it came time for me to speak and my mom dad were doing what parents do with babies "SAY MA MA!" nothing came out of my mouth but "AH-EE" yep, I couldn't pronounce consonants only vowels. I slightly remember, like a dream, that I always thought I was speaking normally and the person I was talking to just couldn't understand me. So I was always huffing and puffing after they said "what was that?" for the fifth time in a row.
Kindergarten rolled by and I had started to read billboards and chapter books, but I was shy with speaking to new people. My kindergarten teacher Mrs. Olpen, man do I miss that lady, was one of the few I would speak to. I was self-conscious now, I went to a special day care/pre-school and everyone in my kindergarten afternoon class always looked at me funny when I spoke. The mean kids that probably ended up like the kids at my high school who are superficial, gave me the name "Mere-deaf" they thought they were so clever, of course this silenced me and when my mom got married I would rarely talk, but my family and close friends of ours knew my crazy hyper personality because they never judged me. When I went to Granite Elementary I spoke a lot more and made a lot more friends. Even till now, I'm shy at first because of that kid fear of judgment.
If only high school were like this. Back to Elementary school when things didn't matter. You could say whatever to whoever and then forget about it at recess or beat them at kickball and you're all better. I've come to realize that you can't do anything but ignore and deal with it.
So that's what I've been doing, ignoring and avoiding, but it bit me in my butt Friday.
Katie, one of the few I wanted to remain close to decided to show her true colors, or so I think. Not only did she ditch me the day before, she took back what she said about understanding what I'm going there and that she'll always be there for me. And I know why. People who can lie and make up grand stories and twist my words, are usually the people who can convince close friends to believe that I'm pitying myself, and thinking I'm innocent.
No one is innocent, unless they're honest. I've been honest in my friendships throughout my 4 years, it's hard being surrounded by drama and lies and rumors and never knowing who's truly good or who's just bad news. It's sad to see that now a days "I forgive you" doesn't mean the same thing. It's sad that I've lost another friend, but it can only be another gain.
This next week I'm promising to myself that I won't let these immature seniors get in my way of finding myself. I have a pretty good idea who I am, but the only thing left to figure out is who I want to be. Do I want to be the girl who lost a lot, but gained so much more, or the girl who gave up but at least she knew who she was.
I'm choosing to be both, I'm giving up on people who show only interest in what I have to say about who. I'm gaining more friendships and more opportunities to seize my career dream. Thanks to Zoe for the suggestion :D. I'm opening up my heart and mind to see the good in people, and my instinct compass to find those good natured people in my school, and out of school.
My lesson for the week: If you know who you are, you have nothing to fear. People who are aware of your true-self will see that you have more to offer than you thought. Be confident in yourself, it's not always about who's right and who's wrong, she said he said. It's about what is right and what your gut and heart say. Life has more to offer than high school drama. It's an experience to learn from, and I think I'm beginning to finally ace some tests :)
Saturday, September 12, 2009
TGIF!
Wow! What a great Friday!
We had a minimal day (early dismissal) and of course Gracie has a cheer leading gig, which was great. Not only was my school day wonderful, my day as of 1pm-11pm was probably even better!
It started with me FINALLY getting charlie (my car that I had...errr crashed) in may. Yeah, feel my pain! Charlie has a brown door, what I am now calling his "birthmark" but it feels great getting my car back, I'm not being dependent on people as much anymore. I can't express to you guys how much happiness I felt when I handed my mom the three-hundred and fifty dollars I had to gather up for my half of the payment. Note, I had never held that much cash in my LIFE. When I got into my car, that was burning up and reeked of greasy mechanics and oil I was estactic to finally be driving again and so thankful for my mom supporting me in the payment. I would have had to sell poor charlie and live without a car all senior year. Some may poke fun at my car, but they don't know how much love we have for him! For those who aren't part of my family or a close friend do not know the story of how I got my charlie.
It was freshman year and our house had gotten broken into, they stole our video recorder..and yes our precious home videos and dance recitals, and a portable dvd player which we had borrowed. Oh and my 15 dollars :). My mom was paranoid that it was our neighbor Tim from across the circle, so she wanted reassurance that someone will always "appear" to be home. (Previously we had a blue camry parked in our carport for Sheridan's last request to stay in california, which was wasn't taken, Chuck had given it to his son Andy. But it was later wrecked on the freeway.) It was our lucky day, Andy had dropped off his 1985 toyota camry at Grammie's and Chuck's I guess as a trade for the Lexus SUV..I honestly don't know. But anyways, Chuck had offered it to us, and my mom gratefully accepted.
I spent 2.5 hours cleaning that damned thing (pardon my french), with white cloths now stained charcoal and two bags of garbage and a full vacuum bag of toenails and other things. I had rightfully earned this car. (Oh I got 20 bucks for cleaning it).
I couldn't come to think that I had this old car and being a fifteen year old a little embarrased but still grateful. I have a knack for naming things and it's kind of a bad habit (many will testify). I named him Charlie and wrote it in sharpie on the front window. Charlie hadn't really been taken care of, but chuck had paid for is oil to be changed and a new battery...which then died and the tires flattened and what not. Anyways, Charlie, being his neglected self finally got the freedom he deserved, 3 years later. I got my license in December '09 to surprise my then dating friend (now boyfriend) for his birthday. Charlie was in the shop getting all repaired for me to drive him and free him of this sad sad imprisonment! The day of December fifth, I believe was the happiest day of both of our lives. WE WERE FREE! I went with my mom to pick him up at the valco shop up our street, he rattled with excitement and shook with adrenaline at every stop we made! I had to celebrate, I drove to IN N' OUT and picked grace up from cheer, of course after getting a car freshener (watermelon), he was so happy, everyday I would tell him "Oh Charlie you're the best!" he shook back with happiness.
Charlie and I are as one, as crazy as it sounds. Think of Herbie with Lindsay Lohan, the bond they had, well that's the bond my car and I share. Gratefulness, pride, and happiness. Charlie is not only 24 years old, but he runs with spirit. I don't care that I have to pump the gas to get going fast. I don't care that people think it's a piece of junk. Charlie is my first car, my first true sign of appreciation. My first crash.
Ah, my first crash...it was pathetic but memorable.
Our neighbors were having a party, and of course they think they are welcome to park ANYWHERE, I was on my way to a friends when my mom said I had to back out her car and re-park it so it won't get in the way. I back hers out park it in the middle of the road (the only available spot) noticing that there was a van and little kids kept spilling out of it, they were playing in THE DRIVEWAY in the road EVERYWHERE! Well charlie had to be taken out as well, so I got in started him up, checked for kids and started to back out. Only to hear a big "EERRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEKKKKK" and the post of our carport breaking as my door gets dragged through the hedge. I just look at Charlie like "oh shoot, this isn't good" Charlie shook back. He was trembling so I had to pull forward, carefully as to not hurt him anymore. He trembled in fear as I turned off the engine and examined the damage. The door just wouldn't shut. And Charlie sat in our carport, exposed for three months.
Now, I have learned my lesson to shut the door before checking for kids, never drive in a frenzy, and always care for your car. (We had a little tiff before the accident)
Charlie is repaired, he's mine and I'm never going to stop appreciating everyone who has helped me fix him!
Granted when I get enough money to buy a newer car, Grace will take my spot, but nothing NO ONE will ever have the same bond as Charlie and I did. He is showered with love, and pats and little head rubs (on the hood of the engine).
If it weren't for Andy crashing that car, and if it weren't for that break in, I would have never gotten the privilege to have a CAR, Charlie.
Go home and give your car some love! They take you EVERYWHERE!
:)
Picture of Charlie coming soon :)
We had a minimal day (early dismissal) and of course Gracie has a cheer leading gig, which was great. Not only was my school day wonderful, my day as of 1pm-11pm was probably even better!
It started with me FINALLY getting charlie (my car that I had...errr crashed) in may. Yeah, feel my pain! Charlie has a brown door, what I am now calling his "birthmark" but it feels great getting my car back, I'm not being dependent on people as much anymore. I can't express to you guys how much happiness I felt when I handed my mom the three-hundred and fifty dollars I had to gather up for my half of the payment. Note, I had never held that much cash in my LIFE. When I got into my car, that was burning up and reeked of greasy mechanics and oil I was estactic to finally be driving again and so thankful for my mom supporting me in the payment. I would have had to sell poor charlie and live without a car all senior year. Some may poke fun at my car, but they don't know how much love we have for him! For those who aren't part of my family or a close friend do not know the story of how I got my charlie.
It was freshman year and our house had gotten broken into, they stole our video recorder..and yes our precious home videos and dance recitals, and a portable dvd player which we had borrowed. Oh and my 15 dollars :). My mom was paranoid that it was our neighbor Tim from across the circle, so she wanted reassurance that someone will always "appear" to be home. (Previously we had a blue camry parked in our carport for Sheridan's last request to stay in california, which was wasn't taken, Chuck had given it to his son Andy. But it was later wrecked on the freeway.) It was our lucky day, Andy had dropped off his 1985 toyota camry at Grammie's and Chuck's I guess as a trade for the Lexus SUV..I honestly don't know. But anyways, Chuck had offered it to us, and my mom gratefully accepted.
I spent 2.5 hours cleaning that damned thing (pardon my french), with white cloths now stained charcoal and two bags of garbage and a full vacuum bag of toenails and other things. I had rightfully earned this car. (Oh I got 20 bucks for cleaning it).
I couldn't come to think that I had this old car and being a fifteen year old a little embarrased but still grateful. I have a knack for naming things and it's kind of a bad habit (many will testify). I named him Charlie and wrote it in sharpie on the front window. Charlie hadn't really been taken care of, but chuck had paid for is oil to be changed and a new battery...which then died and the tires flattened and what not. Anyways, Charlie, being his neglected self finally got the freedom he deserved, 3 years later. I got my license in December '09 to surprise my then dating friend (now boyfriend) for his birthday. Charlie was in the shop getting all repaired for me to drive him and free him of this sad sad imprisonment! The day of December fifth, I believe was the happiest day of both of our lives. WE WERE FREE! I went with my mom to pick him up at the valco shop up our street, he rattled with excitement and shook with adrenaline at every stop we made! I had to celebrate, I drove to IN N' OUT and picked grace up from cheer, of course after getting a car freshener (watermelon), he was so happy, everyday I would tell him "Oh Charlie you're the best!" he shook back with happiness.
Charlie and I are as one, as crazy as it sounds. Think of Herbie with Lindsay Lohan, the bond they had, well that's the bond my car and I share. Gratefulness, pride, and happiness. Charlie is not only 24 years old, but he runs with spirit. I don't care that I have to pump the gas to get going fast. I don't care that people think it's a piece of junk. Charlie is my first car, my first true sign of appreciation. My first crash.
Ah, my first crash...it was pathetic but memorable.
Our neighbors were having a party, and of course they think they are welcome to park ANYWHERE, I was on my way to a friends when my mom said I had to back out her car and re-park it so it won't get in the way. I back hers out park it in the middle of the road (the only available spot) noticing that there was a van and little kids kept spilling out of it, they were playing in THE DRIVEWAY in the road EVERYWHERE! Well charlie had to be taken out as well, so I got in started him up, checked for kids and started to back out. Only to hear a big "EERRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEKKKKK" and the post of our carport breaking as my door gets dragged through the hedge. I just look at Charlie like "oh shoot, this isn't good" Charlie shook back. He was trembling so I had to pull forward, carefully as to not hurt him anymore. He trembled in fear as I turned off the engine and examined the damage. The door just wouldn't shut. And Charlie sat in our carport, exposed for three months.
Now, I have learned my lesson to shut the door before checking for kids, never drive in a frenzy, and always care for your car. (We had a little tiff before the accident)
Charlie is repaired, he's mine and I'm never going to stop appreciating everyone who has helped me fix him!
Granted when I get enough money to buy a newer car, Grace will take my spot, but nothing NO ONE will ever have the same bond as Charlie and I did. He is showered with love, and pats and little head rubs (on the hood of the engine).
If it weren't for Andy crashing that car, and if it weren't for that break in, I would have never gotten the privilege to have a CAR, Charlie.
Go home and give your car some love! They take you EVERYWHERE!
:)
Picture of Charlie coming soon :)
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Thankful Thursday
My day couldn't have started out any better this morning, I woke up with a good amount of sleep and my kink in my shoulder had disappeared. I got to school just on time, and my English class was an easy way to start out my day, and I had the privilege to walk to class with one of my few close friends, Keely. I don't think she knows it but I really appreciated just having her there not worrying about anything that has happened these past few weeks. Sadly, god makes perfect moments and unfortunate turn around as a test to see if we can roll with the punches and turn around a bad day.
It all turned bad when my boyfriend sent me a reply text in fourth period (curse those cell phones), just spitting out these horrible things at me throughout all period, of course I reacted with anger and "yelled" back but I never expected what my mind came to conclusion. I decided to give up trying and putting in my all when I get anger in return, or even 30% effort back. I wished I was being biased right now. Anyways, after telling him if ending things is what he truly wants and that's how he'll be happy I can only support him, as a last try to let him know I can't end it. He said in reply it's best if we break up. After almost 11 months of dating each other and almost 9 months of being official, you can imagine how much this can crush a girl. I tried to be strong and tough out my next block period and the next 15 minutes of lunch in my mom's office, but this heartbreak wouldn't allow me. I told my mom and as I told her my body only convulsed with gasps of air and my eyes flooded with tears, knowing this was the end and I can't do anything else to keep it going. While I was breaking down on my arms on my mom's desk, I realized, I'm always keeping him here, I AM holding him back...you know all the "woe is me" "pity me" stuff a girl goes through during a break up. This only made me cry more, the bell rang for sixth period and I was trying to think if I could make it to my American Sign Language class without breaking down...or if I could go to ACS and breakdown up there. I decided I only needed my little sister Grace to hug me because when you go through heartbreak you have to have family surround you with their undying love to fill the hole in your heart where love once lied. I walked up the stairs with my mom trying not to cry again, but being comforted that I wasn't going up there alone. I got to the room as everyone looked at me, they thought it was a joke..coming in late, but Gracie's face changed the minute she saw me stone-faced and tear stained, I had to tell my teacher why I needed to take Grace and be alone with her. I sucked in my breath and told her, she told me take all the time I need, I know what a relief. The minute Grace touched me I broke down and I'm sure the class heard me, but what can you do when you go through something like this? Grace and I sat outside beneath a tree as she was holding me and I was bawling not being able to breathe or talk, she and my mom(who had to get back to work) were rubbing my back telling me nothing but "shhhhhh" I could feel Grace occasionally embrace me harder, just like he did, so I could only break down more. She wanted to know what happened so all I could do was try to catch my breath. I told her what happened and she became nothing but mad at him, mad that he hurt me and mad that he would do this over text. Long story short, I made it through class with the help of my amazing ASL 3 peeps. I'm sure they didn't know what went on but I don't care, not talking about it and not having to think about nothing but ASL and Zoe's and Stephanie's hilarious stories that sincerely made me laugh, even though laughing made me want to cry so I had to limit my giggles, not only did my peeps help me Tess had given me a hug while I was breaking down walking outside, and comforting me, probably thinking it was something with what has been happening lately.
My seventh period prep: I saw Selena on the quad, I couldn't be anymore grateful for a girl who can understand anything and everything, and Tess (this was during the end of sixth) who told me nothing but the comforting truth. I don't know what my day would have been like if I hadn't run into Tess on my way downstairs. I'm so grateful God sent me these guardian angels to comfort me through my darkest days, and laugh with on my brightest. I feel bad that we've all lost touch, but I don't think after today it will be the same.
My life lesson for the day:
When life gets you down, breakdown around family and a dear friend. There is nothing better than an endearing, embracing hug from the people you adore and love. Thank you all so much for today, I couldn't have made it without ANY of you. Even if you weren't mentioned, you still made my day brighter than it was as of 12:20 today. You're angels. :)
It all turned bad when my boyfriend sent me a reply text in fourth period (curse those cell phones), just spitting out these horrible things at me throughout all period, of course I reacted with anger and "yelled" back but I never expected what my mind came to conclusion. I decided to give up trying and putting in my all when I get anger in return, or even 30% effort back. I wished I was being biased right now. Anyways, after telling him if ending things is what he truly wants and that's how he'll be happy I can only support him, as a last try to let him know I can't end it. He said in reply it's best if we break up. After almost 11 months of dating each other and almost 9 months of being official, you can imagine how much this can crush a girl. I tried to be strong and tough out my next block period and the next 15 minutes of lunch in my mom's office, but this heartbreak wouldn't allow me. I told my mom and as I told her my body only convulsed with gasps of air and my eyes flooded with tears, knowing this was the end and I can't do anything else to keep it going. While I was breaking down on my arms on my mom's desk, I realized, I'm always keeping him here, I AM holding him back...you know all the "woe is me" "pity me" stuff a girl goes through during a break up. This only made me cry more, the bell rang for sixth period and I was trying to think if I could make it to my American Sign Language class without breaking down...or if I could go to ACS and breakdown up there. I decided I only needed my little sister Grace to hug me because when you go through heartbreak you have to have family surround you with their undying love to fill the hole in your heart where love once lied. I walked up the stairs with my mom trying not to cry again, but being comforted that I wasn't going up there alone. I got to the room as everyone looked at me, they thought it was a joke..coming in late, but Gracie's face changed the minute she saw me stone-faced and tear stained, I had to tell my teacher why I needed to take Grace and be alone with her. I sucked in my breath and told her, she told me take all the time I need, I know what a relief. The minute Grace touched me I broke down and I'm sure the class heard me, but what can you do when you go through something like this? Grace and I sat outside beneath a tree as she was holding me and I was bawling not being able to breathe or talk, she and my mom(who had to get back to work) were rubbing my back telling me nothing but "shhhhhh" I could feel Grace occasionally embrace me harder, just like he did, so I could only break down more. She wanted to know what happened so all I could do was try to catch my breath. I told her what happened and she became nothing but mad at him, mad that he hurt me and mad that he would do this over text. Long story short, I made it through class with the help of my amazing ASL 3 peeps. I'm sure they didn't know what went on but I don't care, not talking about it and not having to think about nothing but ASL and Zoe's and Stephanie's hilarious stories that sincerely made me laugh, even though laughing made me want to cry so I had to limit my giggles, not only did my peeps help me Tess had given me a hug while I was breaking down walking outside, and comforting me, probably thinking it was something with what has been happening lately.
My seventh period prep: I saw Selena on the quad, I couldn't be anymore grateful for a girl who can understand anything and everything, and Tess (this was during the end of sixth) who told me nothing but the comforting truth. I don't know what my day would have been like if I hadn't run into Tess on my way downstairs. I'm so grateful God sent me these guardian angels to comfort me through my darkest days, and laugh with on my brightest. I feel bad that we've all lost touch, but I don't think after today it will be the same.
My life lesson for the day:
When life gets you down, breakdown around family and a dear friend. There is nothing better than an endearing, embracing hug from the people you adore and love. Thank you all so much for today, I couldn't have made it without ANY of you. Even if you weren't mentioned, you still made my day brighter than it was as of 12:20 today. You're angels. :)
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
A Beautiful Day
These past few days have been annoying and irritating, always thinking about money and how much I have and how much I want and how much I need. I'm always wishing to go back in time and stay young and never have to worry about money ever again, but I think twice and realize, God sent me here to go through trials and this may be one of the very scrutinizing ones, but it will definitely be one of my most trimuphant...hopefully :)
If you ever have a day where money won't leave your mind and how much you hate going to work, visit a park with a good book and zone out, lose track of time or even day dream at that park!
My job is a childcare giver, I nanny a sweet little baby and he and his parents constantly remind me that there is more to life than plain stupid money. It's so hard to believe that a baby who can't even talk make your mind wander the distance mine has when I'm caring for him. I can't be anymore thankful for such a more rewarding job than I have taking care of kids.
Sidetracking a little bit. Lately I haven't been so into going to church and become my religious self again, mostly because I've allowed these materialistic things to blind me from what truley matters. As I sat in the park today with Soren (the baby I care for) I realized today is nothing more than a beautiful gift from our wonderful number one man up there. This not only makes me think more about what he has done for me but what more he can do for me, and how much I need him to do things for me. Today has made me recognize that it is all up to me to reconnect with my religion, although I may disagree with some of the standards, I can always go to church to get the basic message. I can only here my mother and father's voice "I told you so" ringing around in my head as I write this, but I only laugh at myself because I know they have, I was just too busy to listen.
A word of advice-wake up and smell the roses people! :)
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