As I sit at the park with Baby I see all types of children, parents and people. Excitement is in the air even though Baby is asleep and I'm left without a partner to celebrate. I plug in my music and observe the day. There is one little boy who catches my eye, the little blond haired child who is going around asking every kid their name and if they'd like to play with him. I smile to myself as I think about how my childhood play-dates were way back when.
When I was about four, my little family and I lived in the "duck" apartments in Holladay Utah where I had a deaf best friend-Courtney who lived in the building. We both had a disability, I couldn't speak and she couldn't hear very well(only with the help of hearing aids)-we understood each other perfectly, yes a four year old can understand hardships they aren't aliens! Courtney stood up for me when our brothers and neighborhood kids would mimic the way I spoke. In return I stood up for her any way I could when they would make her do crazy things, like walk in the snow...barefoot.
Her older brother told her walking in the snow as cool and she had to do it if we ever wanted to see our Chelsea barbies ever again. I tried to yell at him but he just laughed and shoved me aside-That was it for me, he pushed my red button too many times to let this one slide. I wasn't going to stand for this anymore. Courtney-crying, took off her boots as well as her hearing aids (I still get why she did it) she tucked her socks and her aids into her boots, I was quick to follow her as her brother started to get angry that I was following along. We began to walk to the apartment in the three-foot high freezing cold snow. I stuck my hands into the icy snow to show her jerk of a brother just how "cool" it was. I rolled up a ball and hurled it at him yelling every mean word my four-year-old mind ever knew. Court followed my example and we sent him running away to find our barbies. He was never rude to us again and we always invited him to play with us...just for fun. This wasn't the only incident we encountered together, we got sand thrown at us in the apartment playground and names yelled at us constantly. We befriended each of our bullies and showed them we weren't stupid and dumb like they assumed we were. Courtney moved away before my mother remarried and we moved shortly after her departure. I'll never forget my play-dates with her and how much carefree fun we had invented for ourselves.
Just like this little boy at the park I realize that without humility and kindness no one can truly be considered a good person. It is one of my many new years resolutions to embrace this theory of life and see how far it gets me in my few months left in high school. You can only hope for the best in life, but, in order for hopes to become dreams and for dreams to become reality there must be some selfless acts. Give to people not to benefit yourself but solely to receive a smile and anew friend. Go the park and relive your childhood life, in the end memories are all we have.
Lesson Learned:
We all have to act like a four-year-old sometimes to become better people.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Resolve
The gloom shines into my room as I wake up to January 1, 2010. My friend is still asleep and I feel tired and annoyed, and I don't even know why. I thought that my waking up to a new year would be bright and full of exciting little events, boy was I wrong. We wake up and eat some eggs, watch some Seinfeld as we munch on Frosted Flakes reminiscing about our successful new years eve. Rewinding a few days back my faithful Charlie broke down-hundreds to fix and no money to fix it with. My mother decides she wants to offer help. Help...what a great word, giving someone something that they can't attain on their own-a good deed, a priceless offer. Not here. In order to receive this lifesaving "helpful" offer I must first do the one thing I swore I would never do. Every time I try to speak about it, I'm starting a fight and being demanding. I try to breathe and think about what the mature approach is without boiling over. I try and fail. She just won't listen to what I have to say. Maybe because she can't allow herself to think that I would do something like this-the daughter who was her puppet for so long, the daughter who had her back, the one who would obey her every word, the one she depended on for favors. It's hard to let someone know that you're not the person they want you to be. You can't be that person, it's too difficult and it's like watching someone else live your life. It's not you, you itch to be your true self. Only to realize that change comes with a price. You can either be accepted by your loved ones, or harshly rejected. Sadly the price I'm paying is a harsh slap in the face, after spilling out my true feelings of being unappreciated, a burden and altogether just a body in a house. I get the confirmation I feared. She doesn't deny it all she says is "So it's my fault". Blood boiling and tears flowing I try again, same response. I'm thinking to myself "come on, just see it from my perspective". Unfortunately for someone who's been through too much in their life they decide to rule out your feelings and make them their own. Accepting defeat she decides to grab my car which has now been fixed (but I can't have it) and unsafely drive it to Saratoga.
I'm prepared for the new family to judge and to hear her side of the story and her only way of getting sympathy is to put the world on her shoulders when in reality, the world is too busy jumping on others backs, so she just paints the picture that it's there.
I'm not a bad daughter-I don't disobey deliberately and when I do it's always something small. There's so many rules to follow it's hard to obey every single one. Especially when it involves a personal decision that only YOU will make. Yes, everything is a personal choice, but the majority of the time it affects other people. The choice I made affects only me. But sadly, she'll never be able to accept the fact that this is beyond her control. I tried my hardest to make her see the light, but you can't push free will. So here i am letting go, maybe just maybe she'll want to understand.
Writing this pessimistic blog makes me think about the spot removing spray "Resolve" no matter how much you spray onto a huge messy stain, there will always be a little spot left, it'll go away on it's own or maybe you need to spray it a little more and you'll resolve your huge messy stain saga :)
Lesson learned:
The only way you can resolve a problem like this is to try your best and if your best isn't good enough, maybe that person doesn't want to accept your best. So let it go-they are who they are, they are never going to change so don't hope for the one day they will because it is never going to come. Accept defeat every now and then maybe it'll be worth it, maybe it won't. But life will go on!
I'm prepared for the new family to judge and to hear her side of the story and her only way of getting sympathy is to put the world on her shoulders when in reality, the world is too busy jumping on others backs, so she just paints the picture that it's there.
I'm not a bad daughter-I don't disobey deliberately and when I do it's always something small. There's so many rules to follow it's hard to obey every single one. Especially when it involves a personal decision that only YOU will make. Yes, everything is a personal choice, but the majority of the time it affects other people. The choice I made affects only me. But sadly, she'll never be able to accept the fact that this is beyond her control. I tried my hardest to make her see the light, but you can't push free will. So here i am letting go, maybe just maybe she'll want to understand.
Writing this pessimistic blog makes me think about the spot removing spray "Resolve" no matter how much you spray onto a huge messy stain, there will always be a little spot left, it'll go away on it's own or maybe you need to spray it a little more and you'll resolve your huge messy stain saga :)
Lesson learned:
The only way you can resolve a problem like this is to try your best and if your best isn't good enough, maybe that person doesn't want to accept your best. So let it go-they are who they are, they are never going to change so don't hope for the one day they will because it is never going to come. Accept defeat every now and then maybe it'll be worth it, maybe it won't. But life will go on!
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
'Tis the Season!
Happy Holidays everyone! I've been hit with so many great ideas for lessons on life that I can't choose one! And then I stumbled across something when I was walking with the baby I nanny the other day!
It's the official season of giving and to love.
This may seem extremely cliche but sometimes those "lame" cliche's hold great meanings and cute little lessons for all of us to indulge in. As I was walking with Baby (the official name for the kid) we came across an old couple who had just finished an argument over what daughter to visit for the holidays. They ended the argument as soon as they saw us strolling down the sidewalk and the minute we were out of THEIR hearing range (which wasn't that far) I heard them makeup and agree that the point of the holidays wasn't about money and who's more important; it's about giving and being joyous about doing so. (My take on the conversation of course) This made me realize that I shouldn't need to allow my lack of money to decide what I'm going to be giving. If I want to give a loved one a hand-knitted sweater...regarding the fact that I can't even knit at all, I CAN do it, they don't care if it doesn't have a price tag, it only matters that you thought about what THEY needed and what THEY wanted. Not what you could maybe do for them, or that giving had a budget.
Another thing I've noticed over the past few weeks is the importance of family. My family has been through plenty, and I've given them some big pills to swallow when I was starting out in highschool. I'm amazed that they love me as they do, and they're so willing to please me. It's a refreshing feeling to have someone WANT to do something for me rather than the other way around. I'll admit I've been quite the grinch about somethings in my family, and now that I've been able to look at myself differently I've decided that I was being spoiled, ungrateful and just a complete snob to the people who love me the most. Lately I've been feeling too happy to care about the negativity in my life, and I've also realized that so many people will allow one thing to ruin such a great day, and they're willing to blame the people who love them the most for it.
No matter how rough your day was, or how hard your life may seem, don't ever tell the people you love how hard they make it for you. Because in reality, you're the only person who can change your life. A rough day may be influenced by someone or something, but you're the only person who can change the day around. You don't have to have a rough day, and your life may be hard, but think about the bigger picture. Is your life REALLY harder than an orphans who may never have a family again? Is life harder than the lives of those who can only afford to eat one day out of the week, two weeks maybe even a month? If it is, then you should go find someone who's life is just as horrible and see that they don't allow it to define them. They aren't crippled because of their life and they can be happy without food, because they're too busy enjoying whatever LIFE they do have. Turn your day around yourself, you don't need to have someone take charge of your day and life. You're able to do things yourself and cheer yourself up, if you think you're incapable than go do some volunteer work, play with a dog, do something that you know will make you smile and forget about your bad day.
The holidays aren't for worrying about money and negativity. It's about giving, loving and smiling. There's nothing too big or too small that you can't enjoy, wake up and smell the pine, 'Tis the season!
Lesson Learned: Indulge yourself in everything around you, love the people who are in your life and give thanks to the man who knows everything for giving you the opportunity to enjoy such a gift.
It's the official season of giving and to love.
This may seem extremely cliche but sometimes those "lame" cliche's hold great meanings and cute little lessons for all of us to indulge in. As I was walking with Baby (the official name for the kid) we came across an old couple who had just finished an argument over what daughter to visit for the holidays. They ended the argument as soon as they saw us strolling down the sidewalk and the minute we were out of THEIR hearing range (which wasn't that far) I heard them makeup and agree that the point of the holidays wasn't about money and who's more important; it's about giving and being joyous about doing so. (My take on the conversation of course) This made me realize that I shouldn't need to allow my lack of money to decide what I'm going to be giving. If I want to give a loved one a hand-knitted sweater...regarding the fact that I can't even knit at all, I CAN do it, they don't care if it doesn't have a price tag, it only matters that you thought about what THEY needed and what THEY wanted. Not what you could maybe do for them, or that giving had a budget.
Another thing I've noticed over the past few weeks is the importance of family. My family has been through plenty, and I've given them some big pills to swallow when I was starting out in highschool. I'm amazed that they love me as they do, and they're so willing to please me. It's a refreshing feeling to have someone WANT to do something for me rather than the other way around. I'll admit I've been quite the grinch about somethings in my family, and now that I've been able to look at myself differently I've decided that I was being spoiled, ungrateful and just a complete snob to the people who love me the most. Lately I've been feeling too happy to care about the negativity in my life, and I've also realized that so many people will allow one thing to ruin such a great day, and they're willing to blame the people who love them the most for it.
No matter how rough your day was, or how hard your life may seem, don't ever tell the people you love how hard they make it for you. Because in reality, you're the only person who can change your life. A rough day may be influenced by someone or something, but you're the only person who can change the day around. You don't have to have a rough day, and your life may be hard, but think about the bigger picture. Is your life REALLY harder than an orphans who may never have a family again? Is life harder than the lives of those who can only afford to eat one day out of the week, two weeks maybe even a month? If it is, then you should go find someone who's life is just as horrible and see that they don't allow it to define them. They aren't crippled because of their life and they can be happy without food, because they're too busy enjoying whatever LIFE they do have. Turn your day around yourself, you don't need to have someone take charge of your day and life. You're able to do things yourself and cheer yourself up, if you think you're incapable than go do some volunteer work, play with a dog, do something that you know will make you smile and forget about your bad day.
The holidays aren't for worrying about money and negativity. It's about giving, loving and smiling. There's nothing too big or too small that you can't enjoy, wake up and smell the pine, 'Tis the season!
Lesson Learned: Indulge yourself in everything around you, love the people who are in your life and give thanks to the man who knows everything for giving you the opportunity to enjoy such a gift.
Monday, December 7, 2009
Stay Strong.
No man is worth your tears and the one that is won't make you cry --- Brian Littrell
Relationships can be hard, especially if you're being abused and you're in high school. Lately I've been noticing there are a lot more abusive relationships than there are good ones. It's such a sad thing to see, and even worse, I've been involved in these three times. My freshman year I was in such a horrible relationship with a Senior at my high school. Cheating, threats, sometimes physical fights that were said to be "just goofing around". Disturbing text messages, voice mails and even worse, a stalker who stole my house key and locked my door to try to get me back. If only I had learned from my mom's abusive marriage which affected us all.
Jim wasn't the ordinary guy you met, he charmed us all and even worse we believed his silly lies. WE all put up with his abuse, we never said anything until things got out of hand and he took in a whole other family. We moved into my mom's best friend's house for 2 weeks to pack up, and every time we went to pack up our stuff our soon to be ex-family always had something to yell or say under their breath. I was too young to realize what he put my mom through emotionally and even worse, how it affected me. We moved to California before the divorce was final and I was fifteen falling for a guy who did the exact same thing my ex-step dad had. He emotionally abused me. Constantly. Being in such a vulnerable place in your life and being so naive and young is the worst time to begin a relationship with someone. I was always wrong in his eyes and when I would say no to something he couldn't get it through his pea-sized brain that I meant it. Of course I never did, and he knew that. He saw my weaknesses, he knew me inside and out he knew how to manipulate me, and better yet how to get me to take him back. After constantly catching him with other girls and putting up with his lies and his abuse towards me I told him I don't ever want to see him again. I was serious, and I thought I had seen the last of him. I was extremely wrong. He was in my World History class and god bless my teacher who knew what was going on, he sat us apart, but that didn't stop him from getting to me. He used my friends, and even worse he stole my house key out of my backpack. I was at home due to a broken tailbone and napping when I was woken up by his face in front of mine, my bedroom door shut and him saying "I just want to talk". I could never thank God for signaling my mom to get home ASAP. She got home and I was so thankful for an excuse to get out. It didn't stop there, he hid in my closet and stupid 15 year old me I lied to try to help him while he stood in front of my door, my mom rammed my door open..breaking my pinky toe, but she got him out of the house by..basically beating him up. The following week I received voice mails, texts, and messages on myspace from him, just completely creeping me out. My mom and I went to the police to get a restraining order we had a great officer on the job until some other officer stepped into interview the guy...only to be convinced by him that I was the stalker and that I'm making everything up because I'm a freshman who wants a Senior. The officer believed it and told me if it happens again then I can call the police and we'll get a restraining order. The next day my little sister and I heard thumps on our roof...not just squirrel thumps, footsteps and slides. He was the only person who knew where I lived. We called the police they brought dogs and had their batons ready. He jumped off just in time and who knows where he went. But they didn't do anything. I was 15 with a stalker ex boyfriend who just couldn't let go of a "freshman girl". You would only hope I had learned from my mistake, but I didn't. My last relationship was full of lies, manipulation and total emotional abuse. I was living in denial and my family gave up on me. I thought he was a different person but I forgot about the charm some of these people have, and how strong it is when such a great manipulator holds the magical power. I lost friends, he tried to tell me what to wear, and again, I was always wrong even though I knew I was right 98% of the time. He scared me when he got mad, he had a split personality, happy and then yelling and pounding on things. I know it's not a good idea to be writing all of this but every abuser needs to be exposed. He threatened me constantly with ending the relationship and telling me he can get any girl he wants, I'm not the best out there and the best one yet "you will never be right". Girls, you should never feel like belittled, and disrespected when you think you're in love. Don't take guys who have been known to get a lot of girls, they have a charm that they'll use on you and you won't be able to say no. Trust me. They never mean it when they say they're sorry, or that they will change. GUYS WILL NEVER CHANGE FOR YOU. It takes years of therapy, life experiences and total will power to change a person. If you feel scared when you get into an argument, you aren't in a good place. When I was talking to my dad about him he told me "You have to let go of the emotional aspect and think logically". (Listen to Taylor Swift hehe). If your best friend doesn't like the guy there's a reason, I knew my best friend wouldn't like him so I prolonged them meeting. Can you say stupid? While I was at work today I came across an article in cosmopolitan, a girl who had broken up with her boyfriend was murdered. They remained friends, even though he was an emotional abuser. I realized that my mom and I could have been murdered or brutally beaten. I wished someone had told me about these signs earlier so I wouldn't have felt so unsafe about who I was with and putting myself in constant danger. A guy could be extremely sweet, but every person as a breaking point. I read these signs with my mom and every single sign made us think about our exes.
"Signs a guy could snap"
*Possessiveness-he becomes increasingly jealous of your time and tries to control who you see, what you do, where you go, maybe even the clothes you wear.
*Sudden personality shifts-he can transform swiftly from a gentle Dr.Jekyll type into a scary, angry Mr. Hyde persona
*Blaming-he makes it seem like you're wrong (and he's right) about everything and any of his problems that come up are your fault
*Demands-He doesn't take no for an answer, and you realize that his "requests" are actually "demands"
*Threats-he uses coercive psychological tactics like tears, rage, badgering, and threatening to end the relationship.
*Suicidal comments-a huge red flag-he may resort to this when it seems like nothing is working. But if he's willing to even think about it or say it, he's getting dangerously desperate. What begins as suicidal could end as murderous.
Girls, please don't ignore the signs. Yes, your boyfriend could be the best in the world, but just keep these in mind.
Any boys that read this-don't ever make your girlfriend or a GIRL feel endangered, learn how to deal with rejection and how to respect the girl's feelings. You don't want to be accountable for ending a life.
Abuse is serious and it should never be taken lightly. All throughout your life people speak about it, take action and help others who are being abused. They need all the help they can get.
Lesson Learned:Relationships are best if you're out of high school. Family knows you best and you always need another perspective if you're with someone. Take people's advice, consider critique. It's only given to help you see from a different perspective.
Don't be a victim STAY STRONG!
A great site to help teens being abused in any way possible!
http://www.loveisrespect.org/
Relationships can be hard, especially if you're being abused and you're in high school. Lately I've been noticing there are a lot more abusive relationships than there are good ones. It's such a sad thing to see, and even worse, I've been involved in these three times. My freshman year I was in such a horrible relationship with a Senior at my high school. Cheating, threats, sometimes physical fights that were said to be "just goofing around". Disturbing text messages, voice mails and even worse, a stalker who stole my house key and locked my door to try to get me back. If only I had learned from my mom's abusive marriage which affected us all.
Jim wasn't the ordinary guy you met, he charmed us all and even worse we believed his silly lies. WE all put up with his abuse, we never said anything until things got out of hand and he took in a whole other family. We moved into my mom's best friend's house for 2 weeks to pack up, and every time we went to pack up our stuff our soon to be ex-family always had something to yell or say under their breath. I was too young to realize what he put my mom through emotionally and even worse, how it affected me. We moved to California before the divorce was final and I was fifteen falling for a guy who did the exact same thing my ex-step dad had. He emotionally abused me. Constantly. Being in such a vulnerable place in your life and being so naive and young is the worst time to begin a relationship with someone. I was always wrong in his eyes and when I would say no to something he couldn't get it through his pea-sized brain that I meant it. Of course I never did, and he knew that. He saw my weaknesses, he knew me inside and out he knew how to manipulate me, and better yet how to get me to take him back. After constantly catching him with other girls and putting up with his lies and his abuse towards me I told him I don't ever want to see him again. I was serious, and I thought I had seen the last of him. I was extremely wrong. He was in my World History class and god bless my teacher who knew what was going on, he sat us apart, but that didn't stop him from getting to me. He used my friends, and even worse he stole my house key out of my backpack. I was at home due to a broken tailbone and napping when I was woken up by his face in front of mine, my bedroom door shut and him saying "I just want to talk". I could never thank God for signaling my mom to get home ASAP. She got home and I was so thankful for an excuse to get out. It didn't stop there, he hid in my closet and stupid 15 year old me I lied to try to help him while he stood in front of my door, my mom rammed my door open..breaking my pinky toe, but she got him out of the house by..basically beating him up. The following week I received voice mails, texts, and messages on myspace from him, just completely creeping me out. My mom and I went to the police to get a restraining order we had a great officer on the job until some other officer stepped into interview the guy...only to be convinced by him that I was the stalker and that I'm making everything up because I'm a freshman who wants a Senior. The officer believed it and told me if it happens again then I can call the police and we'll get a restraining order. The next day my little sister and I heard thumps on our roof...not just squirrel thumps, footsteps and slides. He was the only person who knew where I lived. We called the police they brought dogs and had their batons ready. He jumped off just in time and who knows where he went. But they didn't do anything. I was 15 with a stalker ex boyfriend who just couldn't let go of a "freshman girl". You would only hope I had learned from my mistake, but I didn't. My last relationship was full of lies, manipulation and total emotional abuse. I was living in denial and my family gave up on me. I thought he was a different person but I forgot about the charm some of these people have, and how strong it is when such a great manipulator holds the magical power. I lost friends, he tried to tell me what to wear, and again, I was always wrong even though I knew I was right 98% of the time. He scared me when he got mad, he had a split personality, happy and then yelling and pounding on things. I know it's not a good idea to be writing all of this but every abuser needs to be exposed. He threatened me constantly with ending the relationship and telling me he can get any girl he wants, I'm not the best out there and the best one yet "you will never be right". Girls, you should never feel like belittled, and disrespected when you think you're in love. Don't take guys who have been known to get a lot of girls, they have a charm that they'll use on you and you won't be able to say no. Trust me. They never mean it when they say they're sorry, or that they will change. GUYS WILL NEVER CHANGE FOR YOU. It takes years of therapy, life experiences and total will power to change a person. If you feel scared when you get into an argument, you aren't in a good place. When I was talking to my dad about him he told me "You have to let go of the emotional aspect and think logically". (Listen to Taylor Swift hehe). If your best friend doesn't like the guy there's a reason, I knew my best friend wouldn't like him so I prolonged them meeting. Can you say stupid? While I was at work today I came across an article in cosmopolitan, a girl who had broken up with her boyfriend was murdered. They remained friends, even though he was an emotional abuser. I realized that my mom and I could have been murdered or brutally beaten. I wished someone had told me about these signs earlier so I wouldn't have felt so unsafe about who I was with and putting myself in constant danger. A guy could be extremely sweet, but every person as a breaking point. I read these signs with my mom and every single sign made us think about our exes.
"Signs a guy could snap"
*Possessiveness-he becomes increasingly jealous of your time and tries to control who you see, what you do, where you go, maybe even the clothes you wear.
*Sudden personality shifts-he can transform swiftly from a gentle Dr.Jekyll type into a scary, angry Mr. Hyde persona
*Blaming-he makes it seem like you're wrong (and he's right) about everything and any of his problems that come up are your fault
*Demands-He doesn't take no for an answer, and you realize that his "requests" are actually "demands"
*Threats-he uses coercive psychological tactics like tears, rage, badgering, and threatening to end the relationship.
*Suicidal comments-a huge red flag-he may resort to this when it seems like nothing is working. But if he's willing to even think about it or say it, he's getting dangerously desperate. What begins as suicidal could end as murderous.
Girls, please don't ignore the signs. Yes, your boyfriend could be the best in the world, but just keep these in mind.
Any boys that read this-don't ever make your girlfriend or a GIRL feel endangered, learn how to deal with rejection and how to respect the girl's feelings. You don't want to be accountable for ending a life.
Abuse is serious and it should never be taken lightly. All throughout your life people speak about it, take action and help others who are being abused. They need all the help they can get.
Lesson Learned:Relationships are best if you're out of high school. Family knows you best and you always need another perspective if you're with someone. Take people's advice, consider critique. It's only given to help you see from a different perspective.
Don't be a victim STAY STRONG!
A great site to help teens being abused in any way possible!
http://www.loveisrespect.org/
Monday, November 30, 2009
Picture Perfect
Thanksgiving is more than just a day to be thankful for things in your life and to be around your loved ones. It's a day to realize what YOU can do to make people smile. Whether it be annoy your cousins with game after game of Taboo, laughing hysterically over knocking your little sisters head with your elbow or just eating with your split up family.
Every family has their problems. It can be living hours away and never talking, a spouse who has broken up bonds, a tragic death that no one can forgive each other for, or a simple mishap between two relatives. Thanksgiving is a day to reunite family and repair relationships. A time to make new friendships and closer bonds with your loved ones. And there wasn't a better way to do that than to go to Sun Valley with my family.
Thinking back to exactly 7 years ago when we went to Sun Valley for Thanksgiving it seemed so wonderful and so happy, this was when my mom was married to my ex step dad and we had family of 10. Everyone was happy, we were always together and there was never a dull moment. My family and I were so excited to be back in Sun Valley where the best things happen. Unfortunately I went into the trip thinking that it won't be fun since I wasn't on good terms with my mom. The drive was fine but only because I isolated myself in the backseat with my iPod and phone (I wish I read). We arrived to the lodge and the condos we were staying at (just one complex over from the ones we stayed in 7 years ago). Immediately I didn't recognize the place, I put the car in park and we unloaded the car. I racked my brain trying to figure out where we were in relation to our trip in 2002. Nothing. All I could remember was the good times at Thanksgiving dinner and the warm memories of love being all around me. Stepping out into the 25 degree weather, Mackenzie, Grace and I decided to find our favorite candy shop in the village. We searched for a good 20 minutes hitting dead end after dead end finally finding it and able to reminisce about how much money we spent the last time we were here. I realized that instead of searching for the past I have to allow my memories to just come to me. So with this new theory we ran back and vegged out for a little bit to catch up and unpack. Memory after memory kept coming back to me and all I wanted to do was to go out and relive my perfect memories. We went ice skating the next day (just like 7 years ago). Only I forgot that I'm 18 and boys are stupid...stupid enough to ram into me almost slicing my legs open or causing me to bruise my fragile tailbone. When I was 11 I sure don't remember having to deal with annoying immature 20 year old boys. But my cousins definitely made up for that stupid event, we made up silly routines clicked picture after picture and held hands to avoid a major crash. I looked up at the sky and saw the wispy clouds and the bright blue sky glowing back at me and I knew that my Thanksgiving wasn't going to be as horrible as I thought. We skated for hours and later we bought some candy, and decided to not eat for some time in order to go into our feast starving. My thanksgiving last year consisted of tons of people, and a lot of turkeys. Every one of those birds got eaten. (I was with my dad's family). I was hoping it'd be the same, but my mom's side is small, with a total of 13 grand kids..2 are boys, 3 aunts and 2 uncles and one set of G-parents. I was so excited to share what's made my year so great, and how much I love my family. But we never got to voice our thoughts...we were all too hungry. We decided to ditch the loud grown-ups sipping on wine and play a chaotic game of Taboo and jump into the 100 degree round pool. I was so happy that I got to be with my family in Sun Valley, I created brand new memories and stronger bonds with my crazy cousins. Yes, my mom is viewed as the aunt who's had two husbands and soon a third, my aunt beat viscous breast cancer and my uncle gets by with 5 girls and a house that's isolated from town, my other aunt may be the one who struggles in life but she hasn't ended up on the streets. We're a strong family, and no matter what obstacle will hit us we can overcome with ease. If it wasn't for this family, MY family would have never been able to get through a rough three years and end up in Palo Alto. We aren't perfect in other's eyes but in my eyes we're picture perfect.
Lesson Learned:
Life isn't about the people you know, how close you are to people. It's about how happy you are and how happy you make others. It's not about money, or how many sales you can hit up on Black Friday. It's family and relationships with the people you care for. If you have a lot of love in your family, there will never be a fallout great enough to break you apart from them. Love your family, no matter how insane they drive you they only do it because they love you. Tell them thank you for just being there. Life is too short to not be thankful. Give your loved ones the love they deserve, and you'll feel happier just knowing they love you back.
Every family has their problems. It can be living hours away and never talking, a spouse who has broken up bonds, a tragic death that no one can forgive each other for, or a simple mishap between two relatives. Thanksgiving is a day to reunite family and repair relationships. A time to make new friendships and closer bonds with your loved ones. And there wasn't a better way to do that than to go to Sun Valley with my family.
Thinking back to exactly 7 years ago when we went to Sun Valley for Thanksgiving it seemed so wonderful and so happy, this was when my mom was married to my ex step dad and we had family of 10. Everyone was happy, we were always together and there was never a dull moment. My family and I were so excited to be back in Sun Valley where the best things happen. Unfortunately I went into the trip thinking that it won't be fun since I wasn't on good terms with my mom. The drive was fine but only because I isolated myself in the backseat with my iPod and phone (I wish I read). We arrived to the lodge and the condos we were staying at (just one complex over from the ones we stayed in 7 years ago). Immediately I didn't recognize the place, I put the car in park and we unloaded the car. I racked my brain trying to figure out where we were in relation to our trip in 2002. Nothing. All I could remember was the good times at Thanksgiving dinner and the warm memories of love being all around me. Stepping out into the 25 degree weather, Mackenzie, Grace and I decided to find our favorite candy shop in the village. We searched for a good 20 minutes hitting dead end after dead end finally finding it and able to reminisce about how much money we spent the last time we were here. I realized that instead of searching for the past I have to allow my memories to just come to me. So with this new theory we ran back and vegged out for a little bit to catch up and unpack. Memory after memory kept coming back to me and all I wanted to do was to go out and relive my perfect memories. We went ice skating the next day (just like 7 years ago). Only I forgot that I'm 18 and boys are stupid...stupid enough to ram into me almost slicing my legs open or causing me to bruise my fragile tailbone. When I was 11 I sure don't remember having to deal with annoying immature 20 year old boys. But my cousins definitely made up for that stupid event, we made up silly routines clicked picture after picture and held hands to avoid a major crash. I looked up at the sky and saw the wispy clouds and the bright blue sky glowing back at me and I knew that my Thanksgiving wasn't going to be as horrible as I thought. We skated for hours and later we bought some candy, and decided to not eat for some time in order to go into our feast starving. My thanksgiving last year consisted of tons of people, and a lot of turkeys. Every one of those birds got eaten. (I was with my dad's family). I was hoping it'd be the same, but my mom's side is small, with a total of 13 grand kids..2 are boys, 3 aunts and 2 uncles and one set of G-parents. I was so excited to share what's made my year so great, and how much I love my family. But we never got to voice our thoughts...we were all too hungry. We decided to ditch the loud grown-ups sipping on wine and play a chaotic game of Taboo and jump into the 100 degree round pool. I was so happy that I got to be with my family in Sun Valley, I created brand new memories and stronger bonds with my crazy cousins. Yes, my mom is viewed as the aunt who's had two husbands and soon a third, my aunt beat viscous breast cancer and my uncle gets by with 5 girls and a house that's isolated from town, my other aunt may be the one who struggles in life but she hasn't ended up on the streets. We're a strong family, and no matter what obstacle will hit us we can overcome with ease. If it wasn't for this family, MY family would have never been able to get through a rough three years and end up in Palo Alto. We aren't perfect in other's eyes but in my eyes we're picture perfect.
Lesson Learned:
Life isn't about the people you know, how close you are to people. It's about how happy you are and how happy you make others. It's not about money, or how many sales you can hit up on Black Friday. It's family and relationships with the people you care for. If you have a lot of love in your family, there will never be a fallout great enough to break you apart from them. Love your family, no matter how insane they drive you they only do it because they love you. Tell them thank you for just being there. Life is too short to not be thankful. Give your loved ones the love they deserve, and you'll feel happier just knowing they love you back.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Memorable 18
November 17th came too quickly! I'm official and I don't feel any different. Other than I have a blue fish, more saving money, and another year to look forward to. I never knew there was a meteor shower on my birthday, and luckily my good friend from ASL informed me. It was the most amazing experience in my life. I decided to catch the last bit of the shower around 4am-6am. I just happened to wake up at 3:45 and jump onto my roof with tons of blankets. I only waited about 2 minutes until the first meteor streaked through the morning sky. I got this weird irk in my stomach that my grandpa was celebrating my 18th birthday with me (since I didn't get to see him on my trip to Utah over the weekend). I got chokey and decided to stay up until I see at least 2 and if there are anymore then it's definitely both of my grandpa's celebrating my biggest year of my teenage life. I got the privilege to see 5 beautiful meteors before snoozing off on the roof . I woke up to see another big meteor before I jumped down to get some sleep in my cozy bed. Lately getting to sleep has been a little hard for me (my ex kind of forced me to see paranormal activity..don't see it if you're paranoid at night..and get frequent panic attacks) but this morning, around 6am I went to sleep feeling like I had my two angels surrounding me. I woke up on my own again and reflected on my past years. As I got to midnight last night I remembered my ex sent me a message via facebook wishing me a happy birthday, the only thing I could do was laugh about it. It's funny how some people think their important enough AFTER they proved to you they could care less about you, that you'll miss them or go gaga over a dumb message. I deleted the message and decided to forget about him and his dumb immature ego. I'm living my life without any regret and NO MORE BOYS. I cooked up a party at my house the following Saturday and I was so ecstatic to just let go and forget about everything bad in my life. Filter it all out and focus on the good future I've lied down for myself. I'm not going to lie, being single and starting over is possibly the best thing I've decided for myself. I had no persuasion from anyone to start over. You don't have to have a good day thrust upon you, you can always make a bad day get turned around just by simply jamming out to songs in your car...or calling an old friend. Or stealing a snuggle with your dog. I couldn't be where I am now without my family and my close friends. They are my gems and my solid rocks. They keep me grounded and without them starting over new would be a little bit harder than it is now. I guess the only thing you can do is to reflect on the happy memories, never regret anything and make a new lifestyle for yourself. There isn't anything more rewarding than being proud of the person you are. Be filled with self confidence yet be humble about how confident you are. It can only make you shine more if you let others discover your confidence on their own rather than rubbing it in their face. My point is, if my 18th birthday didn't start out with that meteor shower, I wouldn't have been as inspired to start over new. You are here for a reason, so make it worth the trip! :)
Lesson Learned: Look up to the sky and you'll find what you're looking for.
Lesson Learned: Look up to the sky and you'll find what you're looking for.
Embracing Today
"Embrace today because we are never guaranteed tomorrow!"
Life can be full of unexpected happenings. College app deadlines randomly changing without notification, a loved one's death, a sudden heartbreak, a new friend who was once your enemy and a brand new chapter. I've decided to start over, as I previously said in my other entries, but I don't think I realized I would actually be starting fresh. I've never felt so free and so happy in my life, my cheeks hurt from smiling so much and I have a sore spot in my chest from laughing hard so much. I never though starting my new life would be this great. Unfortunately good things never last for long! Today wasn't my best day out of my past three weeks, but it was a great learning experience. Dealing with consequences is something I've always been able to do. But this time it was a consequence that wasn't really deserved. I tried incredibly hard to bite my tongue and stick it out but for some reason I just couldn't shut my mouth. Now that I'm out of such a "bite my tongue" relationship, I'm not holding back with anyone. Which creates a problem with my mom. I wasn't my happy self today, but I embraced every moment of my bad day. You can't always live looking back on the past, on what you should have done. You have to look forward and keep your head up right in order to fully understand what you're doing here. Grace and I rode the bus home together and we made a tiny observation of why we got off where we did. I decided to get off a little further back from our street so we can just walk straight ahead, while grace wanted to get off at the stop further ahead and walk backwards. I told her "we can't be moving backwards! we have to keep moving forward! NO DWELLING ON THE PAST!" she quickly laughed and said "Yeaaah I do dwell on the past" laughing in unison we got into an argument after Gracie tried to justify how we wouldn't really be moving backwards but making a shortcut. There's no such thing as a short cut in life. I can't talk my way out of this consequence, I can't justify why I was late. I can only accept what I've done, and deal with no car for two days. Instead of racking my brain on how I deserved this, what I did, and how it's never happened before won't get me anywhere. Accepting it and moving forward will get me a lot further than whining and complaining. I'm brushing it off with a smile, life is too short to relive the past. It's long enough to share smiles and laughs with the ones we love.
Lesson Learned: Deal with today, don't deal with the past it will only make you miserable. Live in the now, live life to the fullest laughing and smiling every opportunity you are handed, because you never know what's in store for you tomorrow!
Life can be full of unexpected happenings. College app deadlines randomly changing without notification, a loved one's death, a sudden heartbreak, a new friend who was once your enemy and a brand new chapter. I've decided to start over, as I previously said in my other entries, but I don't think I realized I would actually be starting fresh. I've never felt so free and so happy in my life, my cheeks hurt from smiling so much and I have a sore spot in my chest from laughing hard so much. I never though starting my new life would be this great. Unfortunately good things never last for long! Today wasn't my best day out of my past three weeks, but it was a great learning experience. Dealing with consequences is something I've always been able to do. But this time it was a consequence that wasn't really deserved. I tried incredibly hard to bite my tongue and stick it out but for some reason I just couldn't shut my mouth. Now that I'm out of such a "bite my tongue" relationship, I'm not holding back with anyone. Which creates a problem with my mom. I wasn't my happy self today, but I embraced every moment of my bad day. You can't always live looking back on the past, on what you should have done. You have to look forward and keep your head up right in order to fully understand what you're doing here. Grace and I rode the bus home together and we made a tiny observation of why we got off where we did. I decided to get off a little further back from our street so we can just walk straight ahead, while grace wanted to get off at the stop further ahead and walk backwards. I told her "we can't be moving backwards! we have to keep moving forward! NO DWELLING ON THE PAST!" she quickly laughed and said "Yeaaah I do dwell on the past" laughing in unison we got into an argument after Gracie tried to justify how we wouldn't really be moving backwards but making a shortcut. There's no such thing as a short cut in life. I can't talk my way out of this consequence, I can't justify why I was late. I can only accept what I've done, and deal with no car for two days. Instead of racking my brain on how I deserved this, what I did, and how it's never happened before won't get me anywhere. Accepting it and moving forward will get me a lot further than whining and complaining. I'm brushing it off with a smile, life is too short to relive the past. It's long enough to share smiles and laughs with the ones we love.
Lesson Learned: Deal with today, don't deal with the past it will only make you miserable. Live in the now, live life to the fullest laughing and smiling every opportunity you are handed, because you never know what's in store for you tomorrow!
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