The Dark Cloud

To change up my writing style I've decided to start out with two definitions:
Appreciation:gratitude; thankful recognition.
Gratitude:thankfulness, or appreciation is a positive emotion or attitude in acknowledgment of a benefit that one has received or will receive.

I never took the time to realize that these two words need eachother to exist. What is gratitude when you can't appreciate something? Why appreciate if you aren't grateful? It's pointless. It's like having a hamburger with no meat. Since my last post I've been noticing the small things that have been coming my way. Like my employer asking me to stay 30 more minutes, or my employer thanking me for staying with her until her husband got home. She appreciates my help and she's grateful for having me around just as a friend. What more can a nanny ask for?
I nanny for two wonderful families, one family is in my church, I babysat there daughter when we first moved to california and now I sit for their daughter and their son once a week-and whenever they need me-they're angels. Most people have a job that they don't like going to, they dread going to work, they can't stand the environment and escape to their house or somewhere else for a safe haven. Not me. I escape to my job for my safe haven, my one place to forget about reality. I'm appreciative of this opportunity-despite the commute-and so grateful to be blessed with the best families. The family I nanny for the most consists of a couple and their son, I've known them for almost a year now and I've seen their little boy sprout into the cutest one-year old there is, no offense to any mother's out there. I never really realized that I depend on working for an escape from reality until recently. It wasn't the worst day, but it seemed as though I had a pitch black, stormy, dense cloud following above my head. Granted, I turned on my beloved country music and the sunny spring day drove that ugly thing away, but it returned...frequently.
I've been sick this past week, and did I mention I had mounds of schoolwork, just building up? Anyways, my sickness decided to take my energy away from me and completely...well...piss me off. I was rude, to everyone, snapping and judging. Not myself, I would say. That dark cloud that followed me around was just beginning to form and that nasty bacteria inside me enjoyed every minute of it.
I take sign language in school and my teacher is amazing. She allowed the level threes to song sign along with the level twos (we were esctatic) I picked out my favorite song, They Don't Care About Us-Michael Jackson and got to work. I interpreted the entire song, changing the english into ASL word form and set it aside to memorize...only the nasty bacterium army shot down my nervous system and my hands couldn't take the intensity of fast pace of the song. I knew I could sign this, that's why I picked it! The same day the dark monstrous cloud-similiar to the one on Lost...if any of you watch that-was also the day I decided to cram everything I possibly could into a three hour time window...you can probably guess what happened.
A lot of things were thrown...hair was lost (not really), my room is probably terrified with me and I've consumed more dog hair than ever...only because I had to cuddle up to Max for comfort. Tears of frustration and anxiety, fear that I would fail every class and graduate dumped out...all over my bedroom floor, like a big rain puddle after a big, very big storm.
Amazingly I made it to work, with many breathing techniques and VERY loud country in my Charlie, I calmed down and braced myself for the best outing of the week. Baby is very sweet, he's walking and I love to watch babies walk and explore. We walk around a lot in San Carlos, lay out in the sun and play at the park-my job is satisfying-my "boss" is so personable, you can only let loose and tell all with her.
My job is probably nanny paradise-another thing I appreciate. It pains me to think that I'll be leaving this adorable and wonderful family in a matter of months, I'm not ready to stop spending a few hours with them, I'm not prepared to give up my safe haven and surrender to reality.
My outing with Baby was the best. I relaxed, thought about nothing (as I vowed to do in my previous post) and allowed the beautfil spring day to take over my mind. I didn't plan anything, I didn't map out our activities, I turned whenever it felt like we should and we ended up at a middle school and there were dogs running free and Baby just squealed with excitement. I hesitated at first, images of Baby getting knocked over by these crazy pups and scraping his fragile skin. A little nudge from above told me it was okay to let him explore with the pups. And I did. Shocked. One dog came to Baby and I and nudged me first, I pet him and showed Baby how to pet him, the puppy adored Baby and plopped down next to him, his oversized, pink floppy tongue hung out to the side, as if he had a large pink ribbon draped down the side of his face. Baby laughed and giggled and tried to touch this new toy. The pup just rolled over and allowed us to pet his tummy. Defeat. The dark cloud moved onto a new territory to torment. It left me for a total of two hours.
I got home and decided to practice my song a little more, failure. My hands froze, my fingers didn't want to sign. Frustration flowed out my mouth, my hands and my "funny toes". "WHY DID I PICK THIS SONG?!" I took our pooch for a walk and since it was dark out I allowed myself to sign along with my song. Success. The night sky blessed me with the return of my skill. I flowed right through my song, realizing I should memorize the lyrics first and then work on the signs. I did the dishes, singing the song for a total of about 30 minutes (that's about 9 times). Mission complete. I signed my song next, SUCCESS again. I was overcome with excitement and happiness that all of my troubles from before dissolved and allowed my mind to wander in my meadow before I drifted off to sleep (about an hour after I lied to actually "sleep"). I woke up just on time, got to my first period-if I'm late again I'm dropped...lame-with 10 minutes to spare and my tests flew by with ease.
Overcoming a hard week, or prevailing in the war of a dark cloud is hard to do if you're constantly playing the pity me game. Erase the phrase and start to appreciate your surroundings, be grateful for what you do have, and what you ARE able to accomplish. How do you expect to succeed when you have no appreciation or gratitude for what you already have?
Appreciate anything you can, thank anyone who helps you...even if it's a thank you wave on the freeway. You will feel a little bit brighter, I promise.
I'd liked to know if my suggestion work so let me know via comments :)