Happy Holidays everyone! I've been hit with so many great ideas for lessons on life that I can't choose one! And then I stumbled across something when I was walking with the baby I nanny the other day!
It's the official season of giving and to love.
This may seem extremely cliche but sometimes those "lame" cliche's hold great meanings and cute little lessons for all of us to indulge in. As I was walking with Baby (the official name for the kid) we came across an old couple who had just finished an argument over what daughter to visit for the holidays. They ended the argument as soon as they saw us strolling down the sidewalk and the minute we were out of THEIR hearing range (which wasn't that far) I heard them makeup and agree that the point of the holidays wasn't about money and who's more important; it's about giving and being joyous about doing so. (My take on the conversation of course) This made me realize that I shouldn't need to allow my lack of money to decide what I'm going to be giving. If I want to give a loved one a hand-knitted sweater...regarding the fact that I can't even knit at all, I CAN do it, they don't care if it doesn't have a price tag, it only matters that you thought about what THEY needed and what THEY wanted. Not what you could maybe do for them, or that giving had a budget.
Another thing I've noticed over the past few weeks is the importance of family. My family has been through plenty, and I've given them some big pills to swallow when I was starting out in highschool. I'm amazed that they love me as they do, and they're so willing to please me. It's a refreshing feeling to have someone WANT to do something for me rather than the other way around. I'll admit I've been quite the grinch about somethings in my family, and now that I've been able to look at myself differently I've decided that I was being spoiled, ungrateful and just a complete snob to the people who love me the most. Lately I've been feeling too happy to care about the negativity in my life, and I've also realized that so many people will allow one thing to ruin such a great day, and they're willing to blame the people who love them the most for it.
No matter how rough your day was, or how hard your life may seem, don't ever tell the people you love how hard they make it for you. Because in reality, you're the only person who can change your life. A rough day may be influenced by someone or something, but you're the only person who can change the day around. You don't have to have a rough day, and your life may be hard, but think about the bigger picture. Is your life REALLY harder than an orphans who may never have a family again? Is life harder than the lives of those who can only afford to eat one day out of the week, two weeks maybe even a month? If it is, then you should go find someone who's life is just as horrible and see that they don't allow it to define them. They aren't crippled because of their life and they can be happy without food, because they're too busy enjoying whatever LIFE they do have. Turn your day around yourself, you don't need to have someone take charge of your day and life. You're able to do things yourself and cheer yourself up, if you think you're incapable than go do some volunteer work, play with a dog, do something that you know will make you smile and forget about your bad day.
The holidays aren't for worrying about money and negativity. It's about giving, loving and smiling. There's nothing too big or too small that you can't enjoy, wake up and smell the pine, 'Tis the season!
Lesson Learned: Indulge yourself in everything around you, love the people who are in your life and give thanks to the man who knows everything for giving you the opportunity to enjoy such a gift.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Monday, December 7, 2009
Stay Strong.
No man is worth your tears and the one that is won't make you cry --- Brian Littrell
Relationships can be hard, especially if you're being abused and you're in high school. Lately I've been noticing there are a lot more abusive relationships than there are good ones. It's such a sad thing to see, and even worse, I've been involved in these three times. My freshman year I was in such a horrible relationship with a Senior at my high school. Cheating, threats, sometimes physical fights that were said to be "just goofing around". Disturbing text messages, voice mails and even worse, a stalker who stole my house key and locked my door to try to get me back. If only I had learned from my mom's abusive marriage which affected us all.
Jim wasn't the ordinary guy you met, he charmed us all and even worse we believed his silly lies. WE all put up with his abuse, we never said anything until things got out of hand and he took in a whole other family. We moved into my mom's best friend's house for 2 weeks to pack up, and every time we went to pack up our stuff our soon to be ex-family always had something to yell or say under their breath. I was too young to realize what he put my mom through emotionally and even worse, how it affected me. We moved to California before the divorce was final and I was fifteen falling for a guy who did the exact same thing my ex-step dad had. He emotionally abused me. Constantly. Being in such a vulnerable place in your life and being so naive and young is the worst time to begin a relationship with someone. I was always wrong in his eyes and when I would say no to something he couldn't get it through his pea-sized brain that I meant it. Of course I never did, and he knew that. He saw my weaknesses, he knew me inside and out he knew how to manipulate me, and better yet how to get me to take him back. After constantly catching him with other girls and putting up with his lies and his abuse towards me I told him I don't ever want to see him again. I was serious, and I thought I had seen the last of him. I was extremely wrong. He was in my World History class and god bless my teacher who knew what was going on, he sat us apart, but that didn't stop him from getting to me. He used my friends, and even worse he stole my house key out of my backpack. I was at home due to a broken tailbone and napping when I was woken up by his face in front of mine, my bedroom door shut and him saying "I just want to talk". I could never thank God for signaling my mom to get home ASAP. She got home and I was so thankful for an excuse to get out. It didn't stop there, he hid in my closet and stupid 15 year old me I lied to try to help him while he stood in front of my door, my mom rammed my door open..breaking my pinky toe, but she got him out of the house by..basically beating him up. The following week I received voice mails, texts, and messages on myspace from him, just completely creeping me out. My mom and I went to the police to get a restraining order we had a great officer on the job until some other officer stepped into interview the guy...only to be convinced by him that I was the stalker and that I'm making everything up because I'm a freshman who wants a Senior. The officer believed it and told me if it happens again then I can call the police and we'll get a restraining order. The next day my little sister and I heard thumps on our roof...not just squirrel thumps, footsteps and slides. He was the only person who knew where I lived. We called the police they brought dogs and had their batons ready. He jumped off just in time and who knows where he went. But they didn't do anything. I was 15 with a stalker ex boyfriend who just couldn't let go of a "freshman girl". You would only hope I had learned from my mistake, but I didn't. My last relationship was full of lies, manipulation and total emotional abuse. I was living in denial and my family gave up on me. I thought he was a different person but I forgot about the charm some of these people have, and how strong it is when such a great manipulator holds the magical power. I lost friends, he tried to tell me what to wear, and again, I was always wrong even though I knew I was right 98% of the time. He scared me when he got mad, he had a split personality, happy and then yelling and pounding on things. I know it's not a good idea to be writing all of this but every abuser needs to be exposed. He threatened me constantly with ending the relationship and telling me he can get any girl he wants, I'm not the best out there and the best one yet "you will never be right". Girls, you should never feel like belittled, and disrespected when you think you're in love. Don't take guys who have been known to get a lot of girls, they have a charm that they'll use on you and you won't be able to say no. Trust me. They never mean it when they say they're sorry, or that they will change. GUYS WILL NEVER CHANGE FOR YOU. It takes years of therapy, life experiences and total will power to change a person. If you feel scared when you get into an argument, you aren't in a good place. When I was talking to my dad about him he told me "You have to let go of the emotional aspect and think logically". (Listen to Taylor Swift hehe). If your best friend doesn't like the guy there's a reason, I knew my best friend wouldn't like him so I prolonged them meeting. Can you say stupid? While I was at work today I came across an article in cosmopolitan, a girl who had broken up with her boyfriend was murdered. They remained friends, even though he was an emotional abuser. I realized that my mom and I could have been murdered or brutally beaten. I wished someone had told me about these signs earlier so I wouldn't have felt so unsafe about who I was with and putting myself in constant danger. A guy could be extremely sweet, but every person as a breaking point. I read these signs with my mom and every single sign made us think about our exes.
"Signs a guy could snap"
*Possessiveness-he becomes increasingly jealous of your time and tries to control who you see, what you do, where you go, maybe even the clothes you wear.
*Sudden personality shifts-he can transform swiftly from a gentle Dr.Jekyll type into a scary, angry Mr. Hyde persona
*Blaming-he makes it seem like you're wrong (and he's right) about everything and any of his problems that come up are your fault
*Demands-He doesn't take no for an answer, and you realize that his "requests" are actually "demands"
*Threats-he uses coercive psychological tactics like tears, rage, badgering, and threatening to end the relationship.
*Suicidal comments-a huge red flag-he may resort to this when it seems like nothing is working. But if he's willing to even think about it or say it, he's getting dangerously desperate. What begins as suicidal could end as murderous.
Girls, please don't ignore the signs. Yes, your boyfriend could be the best in the world, but just keep these in mind.
Any boys that read this-don't ever make your girlfriend or a GIRL feel endangered, learn how to deal with rejection and how to respect the girl's feelings. You don't want to be accountable for ending a life.
Abuse is serious and it should never be taken lightly. All throughout your life people speak about it, take action and help others who are being abused. They need all the help they can get.
Lesson Learned:Relationships are best if you're out of high school. Family knows you best and you always need another perspective if you're with someone. Take people's advice, consider critique. It's only given to help you see from a different perspective.
Don't be a victim STAY STRONG!
A great site to help teens being abused in any way possible!
http://www.loveisrespect.org/
Relationships can be hard, especially if you're being abused and you're in high school. Lately I've been noticing there are a lot more abusive relationships than there are good ones. It's such a sad thing to see, and even worse, I've been involved in these three times. My freshman year I was in such a horrible relationship with a Senior at my high school. Cheating, threats, sometimes physical fights that were said to be "just goofing around". Disturbing text messages, voice mails and even worse, a stalker who stole my house key and locked my door to try to get me back. If only I had learned from my mom's abusive marriage which affected us all.
Jim wasn't the ordinary guy you met, he charmed us all and even worse we believed his silly lies. WE all put up with his abuse, we never said anything until things got out of hand and he took in a whole other family. We moved into my mom's best friend's house for 2 weeks to pack up, and every time we went to pack up our stuff our soon to be ex-family always had something to yell or say under their breath. I was too young to realize what he put my mom through emotionally and even worse, how it affected me. We moved to California before the divorce was final and I was fifteen falling for a guy who did the exact same thing my ex-step dad had. He emotionally abused me. Constantly. Being in such a vulnerable place in your life and being so naive and young is the worst time to begin a relationship with someone. I was always wrong in his eyes and when I would say no to something he couldn't get it through his pea-sized brain that I meant it. Of course I never did, and he knew that. He saw my weaknesses, he knew me inside and out he knew how to manipulate me, and better yet how to get me to take him back. After constantly catching him with other girls and putting up with his lies and his abuse towards me I told him I don't ever want to see him again. I was serious, and I thought I had seen the last of him. I was extremely wrong. He was in my World History class and god bless my teacher who knew what was going on, he sat us apart, but that didn't stop him from getting to me. He used my friends, and even worse he stole my house key out of my backpack. I was at home due to a broken tailbone and napping when I was woken up by his face in front of mine, my bedroom door shut and him saying "I just want to talk". I could never thank God for signaling my mom to get home ASAP. She got home and I was so thankful for an excuse to get out. It didn't stop there, he hid in my closet and stupid 15 year old me I lied to try to help him while he stood in front of my door, my mom rammed my door open..breaking my pinky toe, but she got him out of the house by..basically beating him up. The following week I received voice mails, texts, and messages on myspace from him, just completely creeping me out. My mom and I went to the police to get a restraining order we had a great officer on the job until some other officer stepped into interview the guy...only to be convinced by him that I was the stalker and that I'm making everything up because I'm a freshman who wants a Senior. The officer believed it and told me if it happens again then I can call the police and we'll get a restraining order. The next day my little sister and I heard thumps on our roof...not just squirrel thumps, footsteps and slides. He was the only person who knew where I lived. We called the police they brought dogs and had their batons ready. He jumped off just in time and who knows where he went. But they didn't do anything. I was 15 with a stalker ex boyfriend who just couldn't let go of a "freshman girl". You would only hope I had learned from my mistake, but I didn't. My last relationship was full of lies, manipulation and total emotional abuse. I was living in denial and my family gave up on me. I thought he was a different person but I forgot about the charm some of these people have, and how strong it is when such a great manipulator holds the magical power. I lost friends, he tried to tell me what to wear, and again, I was always wrong even though I knew I was right 98% of the time. He scared me when he got mad, he had a split personality, happy and then yelling and pounding on things. I know it's not a good idea to be writing all of this but every abuser needs to be exposed. He threatened me constantly with ending the relationship and telling me he can get any girl he wants, I'm not the best out there and the best one yet "you will never be right". Girls, you should never feel like belittled, and disrespected when you think you're in love. Don't take guys who have been known to get a lot of girls, they have a charm that they'll use on you and you won't be able to say no. Trust me. They never mean it when they say they're sorry, or that they will change. GUYS WILL NEVER CHANGE FOR YOU. It takes years of therapy, life experiences and total will power to change a person. If you feel scared when you get into an argument, you aren't in a good place. When I was talking to my dad about him he told me "You have to let go of the emotional aspect and think logically". (Listen to Taylor Swift hehe). If your best friend doesn't like the guy there's a reason, I knew my best friend wouldn't like him so I prolonged them meeting. Can you say stupid? While I was at work today I came across an article in cosmopolitan, a girl who had broken up with her boyfriend was murdered. They remained friends, even though he was an emotional abuser. I realized that my mom and I could have been murdered or brutally beaten. I wished someone had told me about these signs earlier so I wouldn't have felt so unsafe about who I was with and putting myself in constant danger. A guy could be extremely sweet, but every person as a breaking point. I read these signs with my mom and every single sign made us think about our exes.
"Signs a guy could snap"
*Possessiveness-he becomes increasingly jealous of your time and tries to control who you see, what you do, where you go, maybe even the clothes you wear.
*Sudden personality shifts-he can transform swiftly from a gentle Dr.Jekyll type into a scary, angry Mr. Hyde persona
*Blaming-he makes it seem like you're wrong (and he's right) about everything and any of his problems that come up are your fault
*Demands-He doesn't take no for an answer, and you realize that his "requests" are actually "demands"
*Threats-he uses coercive psychological tactics like tears, rage, badgering, and threatening to end the relationship.
*Suicidal comments-a huge red flag-he may resort to this when it seems like nothing is working. But if he's willing to even think about it or say it, he's getting dangerously desperate. What begins as suicidal could end as murderous.
Girls, please don't ignore the signs. Yes, your boyfriend could be the best in the world, but just keep these in mind.
Any boys that read this-don't ever make your girlfriend or a GIRL feel endangered, learn how to deal with rejection and how to respect the girl's feelings. You don't want to be accountable for ending a life.
Abuse is serious and it should never be taken lightly. All throughout your life people speak about it, take action and help others who are being abused. They need all the help they can get.
Lesson Learned:Relationships are best if you're out of high school. Family knows you best and you always need another perspective if you're with someone. Take people's advice, consider critique. It's only given to help you see from a different perspective.
Don't be a victim STAY STRONG!
A great site to help teens being abused in any way possible!
http://www.loveisrespect.org/
Monday, November 30, 2009
Picture Perfect
Thanksgiving is more than just a day to be thankful for things in your life and to be around your loved ones. It's a day to realize what YOU can do to make people smile. Whether it be annoy your cousins with game after game of Taboo, laughing hysterically over knocking your little sisters head with your elbow or just eating with your split up family.
Every family has their problems. It can be living hours away and never talking, a spouse who has broken up bonds, a tragic death that no one can forgive each other for, or a simple mishap between two relatives. Thanksgiving is a day to reunite family and repair relationships. A time to make new friendships and closer bonds with your loved ones. And there wasn't a better way to do that than to go to Sun Valley with my family.
Thinking back to exactly 7 years ago when we went to Sun Valley for Thanksgiving it seemed so wonderful and so happy, this was when my mom was married to my ex step dad and we had family of 10. Everyone was happy, we were always together and there was never a dull moment. My family and I were so excited to be back in Sun Valley where the best things happen. Unfortunately I went into the trip thinking that it won't be fun since I wasn't on good terms with my mom. The drive was fine but only because I isolated myself in the backseat with my iPod and phone (I wish I read). We arrived to the lodge and the condos we were staying at (just one complex over from the ones we stayed in 7 years ago). Immediately I didn't recognize the place, I put the car in park and we unloaded the car. I racked my brain trying to figure out where we were in relation to our trip in 2002. Nothing. All I could remember was the good times at Thanksgiving dinner and the warm memories of love being all around me. Stepping out into the 25 degree weather, Mackenzie, Grace and I decided to find our favorite candy shop in the village. We searched for a good 20 minutes hitting dead end after dead end finally finding it and able to reminisce about how much money we spent the last time we were here. I realized that instead of searching for the past I have to allow my memories to just come to me. So with this new theory we ran back and vegged out for a little bit to catch up and unpack. Memory after memory kept coming back to me and all I wanted to do was to go out and relive my perfect memories. We went ice skating the next day (just like 7 years ago). Only I forgot that I'm 18 and boys are stupid...stupid enough to ram into me almost slicing my legs open or causing me to bruise my fragile tailbone. When I was 11 I sure don't remember having to deal with annoying immature 20 year old boys. But my cousins definitely made up for that stupid event, we made up silly routines clicked picture after picture and held hands to avoid a major crash. I looked up at the sky and saw the wispy clouds and the bright blue sky glowing back at me and I knew that my Thanksgiving wasn't going to be as horrible as I thought. We skated for hours and later we bought some candy, and decided to not eat for some time in order to go into our feast starving. My thanksgiving last year consisted of tons of people, and a lot of turkeys. Every one of those birds got eaten. (I was with my dad's family). I was hoping it'd be the same, but my mom's side is small, with a total of 13 grand kids..2 are boys, 3 aunts and 2 uncles and one set of G-parents. I was so excited to share what's made my year so great, and how much I love my family. But we never got to voice our thoughts...we were all too hungry. We decided to ditch the loud grown-ups sipping on wine and play a chaotic game of Taboo and jump into the 100 degree round pool. I was so happy that I got to be with my family in Sun Valley, I created brand new memories and stronger bonds with my crazy cousins. Yes, my mom is viewed as the aunt who's had two husbands and soon a third, my aunt beat viscous breast cancer and my uncle gets by with 5 girls and a house that's isolated from town, my other aunt may be the one who struggles in life but she hasn't ended up on the streets. We're a strong family, and no matter what obstacle will hit us we can overcome with ease. If it wasn't for this family, MY family would have never been able to get through a rough three years and end up in Palo Alto. We aren't perfect in other's eyes but in my eyes we're picture perfect.
Lesson Learned:
Life isn't about the people you know, how close you are to people. It's about how happy you are and how happy you make others. It's not about money, or how many sales you can hit up on Black Friday. It's family and relationships with the people you care for. If you have a lot of love in your family, there will never be a fallout great enough to break you apart from them. Love your family, no matter how insane they drive you they only do it because they love you. Tell them thank you for just being there. Life is too short to not be thankful. Give your loved ones the love they deserve, and you'll feel happier just knowing they love you back.
Every family has their problems. It can be living hours away and never talking, a spouse who has broken up bonds, a tragic death that no one can forgive each other for, or a simple mishap between two relatives. Thanksgiving is a day to reunite family and repair relationships. A time to make new friendships and closer bonds with your loved ones. And there wasn't a better way to do that than to go to Sun Valley with my family.
Thinking back to exactly 7 years ago when we went to Sun Valley for Thanksgiving it seemed so wonderful and so happy, this was when my mom was married to my ex step dad and we had family of 10. Everyone was happy, we were always together and there was never a dull moment. My family and I were so excited to be back in Sun Valley where the best things happen. Unfortunately I went into the trip thinking that it won't be fun since I wasn't on good terms with my mom. The drive was fine but only because I isolated myself in the backseat with my iPod and phone (I wish I read). We arrived to the lodge and the condos we were staying at (just one complex over from the ones we stayed in 7 years ago). Immediately I didn't recognize the place, I put the car in park and we unloaded the car. I racked my brain trying to figure out where we were in relation to our trip in 2002. Nothing. All I could remember was the good times at Thanksgiving dinner and the warm memories of love being all around me. Stepping out into the 25 degree weather, Mackenzie, Grace and I decided to find our favorite candy shop in the village. We searched for a good 20 minutes hitting dead end after dead end finally finding it and able to reminisce about how much money we spent the last time we were here. I realized that instead of searching for the past I have to allow my memories to just come to me. So with this new theory we ran back and vegged out for a little bit to catch up and unpack. Memory after memory kept coming back to me and all I wanted to do was to go out and relive my perfect memories. We went ice skating the next day (just like 7 years ago). Only I forgot that I'm 18 and boys are stupid...stupid enough to ram into me almost slicing my legs open or causing me to bruise my fragile tailbone. When I was 11 I sure don't remember having to deal with annoying immature 20 year old boys. But my cousins definitely made up for that stupid event, we made up silly routines clicked picture after picture and held hands to avoid a major crash. I looked up at the sky and saw the wispy clouds and the bright blue sky glowing back at me and I knew that my Thanksgiving wasn't going to be as horrible as I thought. We skated for hours and later we bought some candy, and decided to not eat for some time in order to go into our feast starving. My thanksgiving last year consisted of tons of people, and a lot of turkeys. Every one of those birds got eaten. (I was with my dad's family). I was hoping it'd be the same, but my mom's side is small, with a total of 13 grand kids..2 are boys, 3 aunts and 2 uncles and one set of G-parents. I was so excited to share what's made my year so great, and how much I love my family. But we never got to voice our thoughts...we were all too hungry. We decided to ditch the loud grown-ups sipping on wine and play a chaotic game of Taboo and jump into the 100 degree round pool. I was so happy that I got to be with my family in Sun Valley, I created brand new memories and stronger bonds with my crazy cousins. Yes, my mom is viewed as the aunt who's had two husbands and soon a third, my aunt beat viscous breast cancer and my uncle gets by with 5 girls and a house that's isolated from town, my other aunt may be the one who struggles in life but she hasn't ended up on the streets. We're a strong family, and no matter what obstacle will hit us we can overcome with ease. If it wasn't for this family, MY family would have never been able to get through a rough three years and end up in Palo Alto. We aren't perfect in other's eyes but in my eyes we're picture perfect.
Lesson Learned:
Life isn't about the people you know, how close you are to people. It's about how happy you are and how happy you make others. It's not about money, or how many sales you can hit up on Black Friday. It's family and relationships with the people you care for. If you have a lot of love in your family, there will never be a fallout great enough to break you apart from them. Love your family, no matter how insane they drive you they only do it because they love you. Tell them thank you for just being there. Life is too short to not be thankful. Give your loved ones the love they deserve, and you'll feel happier just knowing they love you back.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Memorable 18
November 17th came too quickly! I'm official and I don't feel any different. Other than I have a blue fish, more saving money, and another year to look forward to. I never knew there was a meteor shower on my birthday, and luckily my good friend from ASL informed me. It was the most amazing experience in my life. I decided to catch the last bit of the shower around 4am-6am. I just happened to wake up at 3:45 and jump onto my roof with tons of blankets. I only waited about 2 minutes until the first meteor streaked through the morning sky. I got this weird irk in my stomach that my grandpa was celebrating my 18th birthday with me (since I didn't get to see him on my trip to Utah over the weekend). I got chokey and decided to stay up until I see at least 2 and if there are anymore then it's definitely both of my grandpa's celebrating my biggest year of my teenage life. I got the privilege to see 5 beautiful meteors before snoozing off on the roof . I woke up to see another big meteor before I jumped down to get some sleep in my cozy bed. Lately getting to sleep has been a little hard for me (my ex kind of forced me to see paranormal activity..don't see it if you're paranoid at night..and get frequent panic attacks) but this morning, around 6am I went to sleep feeling like I had my two angels surrounding me. I woke up on my own again and reflected on my past years. As I got to midnight last night I remembered my ex sent me a message via facebook wishing me a happy birthday, the only thing I could do was laugh about it. It's funny how some people think their important enough AFTER they proved to you they could care less about you, that you'll miss them or go gaga over a dumb message. I deleted the message and decided to forget about him and his dumb immature ego. I'm living my life without any regret and NO MORE BOYS. I cooked up a party at my house the following Saturday and I was so ecstatic to just let go and forget about everything bad in my life. Filter it all out and focus on the good future I've lied down for myself. I'm not going to lie, being single and starting over is possibly the best thing I've decided for myself. I had no persuasion from anyone to start over. You don't have to have a good day thrust upon you, you can always make a bad day get turned around just by simply jamming out to songs in your car...or calling an old friend. Or stealing a snuggle with your dog. I couldn't be where I am now without my family and my close friends. They are my gems and my solid rocks. They keep me grounded and without them starting over new would be a little bit harder than it is now. I guess the only thing you can do is to reflect on the happy memories, never regret anything and make a new lifestyle for yourself. There isn't anything more rewarding than being proud of the person you are. Be filled with self confidence yet be humble about how confident you are. It can only make you shine more if you let others discover your confidence on their own rather than rubbing it in their face. My point is, if my 18th birthday didn't start out with that meteor shower, I wouldn't have been as inspired to start over new. You are here for a reason, so make it worth the trip! :)
Lesson Learned: Look up to the sky and you'll find what you're looking for.
Lesson Learned: Look up to the sky and you'll find what you're looking for.
Embracing Today
"Embrace today because we are never guaranteed tomorrow!"
Life can be full of unexpected happenings. College app deadlines randomly changing without notification, a loved one's death, a sudden heartbreak, a new friend who was once your enemy and a brand new chapter. I've decided to start over, as I previously said in my other entries, but I don't think I realized I would actually be starting fresh. I've never felt so free and so happy in my life, my cheeks hurt from smiling so much and I have a sore spot in my chest from laughing hard so much. I never though starting my new life would be this great. Unfortunately good things never last for long! Today wasn't my best day out of my past three weeks, but it was a great learning experience. Dealing with consequences is something I've always been able to do. But this time it was a consequence that wasn't really deserved. I tried incredibly hard to bite my tongue and stick it out but for some reason I just couldn't shut my mouth. Now that I'm out of such a "bite my tongue" relationship, I'm not holding back with anyone. Which creates a problem with my mom. I wasn't my happy self today, but I embraced every moment of my bad day. You can't always live looking back on the past, on what you should have done. You have to look forward and keep your head up right in order to fully understand what you're doing here. Grace and I rode the bus home together and we made a tiny observation of why we got off where we did. I decided to get off a little further back from our street so we can just walk straight ahead, while grace wanted to get off at the stop further ahead and walk backwards. I told her "we can't be moving backwards! we have to keep moving forward! NO DWELLING ON THE PAST!" she quickly laughed and said "Yeaaah I do dwell on the past" laughing in unison we got into an argument after Gracie tried to justify how we wouldn't really be moving backwards but making a shortcut. There's no such thing as a short cut in life. I can't talk my way out of this consequence, I can't justify why I was late. I can only accept what I've done, and deal with no car for two days. Instead of racking my brain on how I deserved this, what I did, and how it's never happened before won't get me anywhere. Accepting it and moving forward will get me a lot further than whining and complaining. I'm brushing it off with a smile, life is too short to relive the past. It's long enough to share smiles and laughs with the ones we love.
Lesson Learned: Deal with today, don't deal with the past it will only make you miserable. Live in the now, live life to the fullest laughing and smiling every opportunity you are handed, because you never know what's in store for you tomorrow!
Life can be full of unexpected happenings. College app deadlines randomly changing without notification, a loved one's death, a sudden heartbreak, a new friend who was once your enemy and a brand new chapter. I've decided to start over, as I previously said in my other entries, but I don't think I realized I would actually be starting fresh. I've never felt so free and so happy in my life, my cheeks hurt from smiling so much and I have a sore spot in my chest from laughing hard so much. I never though starting my new life would be this great. Unfortunately good things never last for long! Today wasn't my best day out of my past three weeks, but it was a great learning experience. Dealing with consequences is something I've always been able to do. But this time it was a consequence that wasn't really deserved. I tried incredibly hard to bite my tongue and stick it out but for some reason I just couldn't shut my mouth. Now that I'm out of such a "bite my tongue" relationship, I'm not holding back with anyone. Which creates a problem with my mom. I wasn't my happy self today, but I embraced every moment of my bad day. You can't always live looking back on the past, on what you should have done. You have to look forward and keep your head up right in order to fully understand what you're doing here. Grace and I rode the bus home together and we made a tiny observation of why we got off where we did. I decided to get off a little further back from our street so we can just walk straight ahead, while grace wanted to get off at the stop further ahead and walk backwards. I told her "we can't be moving backwards! we have to keep moving forward! NO DWELLING ON THE PAST!" she quickly laughed and said "Yeaaah I do dwell on the past" laughing in unison we got into an argument after Gracie tried to justify how we wouldn't really be moving backwards but making a shortcut. There's no such thing as a short cut in life. I can't talk my way out of this consequence, I can't justify why I was late. I can only accept what I've done, and deal with no car for two days. Instead of racking my brain on how I deserved this, what I did, and how it's never happened before won't get me anywhere. Accepting it and moving forward will get me a lot further than whining and complaining. I'm brushing it off with a smile, life is too short to relive the past. It's long enough to share smiles and laughs with the ones we love.
Lesson Learned: Deal with today, don't deal with the past it will only make you miserable. Live in the now, live life to the fullest laughing and smiling every opportunity you are handed, because you never know what's in store for you tomorrow!
Friday, November 13, 2009
Dreams
Every girl has a dream about "coming of age"-turning 18 and being seen as a woman. For me my journey has been rough, just as plenty of other girls. I have always pictured my life a certain way. Like living in Utah with my whole family, going to Sherman Kendall's Beauty school and owning my own salon. I never thought about the possibility of change in my life until October 31st 2009. After breaking up with my boyfriend of roughly a year I knew what I had to do. I was going to be selfish and indulge myself any way possible. The only people I should be pleasing are my family and God. "Forget about boys, boys are stupid!" The quote of my Halloween night. The person who said it was right! Why should I impress someone who won't even be in my life forever? I shouldn't! There is never ever a reason for you to lower your morals and standards for ANYONE. I'm learning how to put myself before others for a while. it's MY senior year MY year to decide what to do for the rest of MY life...okay for the next 10 years. I'm sticking to promises, plans and to the friends who have always been there for me. You can never go wrong with a good friend. you can't think "how does this person benefit me", you must think about how this person adds happiness, joy and clarity to your life. If you think about those 3 things before you become close to one person, you will never have to worry about betrayal. I made a promise to my old best friend my sophomore year. We promised to be best friends no matter what, we had a fallout but I didn't know who I was. I only knew who I was to one person. Girls-don't waste your time on someone who makes you confused about your life and who you are. Waste time on girlfriends who giggle and gossip till the night ends. Waste time on people who want to care for you. Who want to talk for hours on end about nothing. Be with people who make you laugh just out of happiness who will excite you for no other reason than to be living your lives together. Yesterday morning I went on a field trip with some great people from my sign language class. We finally go to go the Deaf school in Fremont. I love being in sign language and to have the opportunity to see and speak with people who are so amazing and grateful for life. It makes me strive to be at least half of who they are. I can't think about y life without my friends and my family. They help frame who I am today. I can say I'm a strong woman who won't waste time on charmers, but who will waste time on loving life and the people in it. I love my life and the only person I can truly thank is the man upstairs. I wouldn't even be here without his guidance and choice to put me here. I will always be thankful to him, life wouldn't exist without the gift of love and joy.
Lesson Learned: Be yourself, Be grateful, Be here, Exist.
Lesson Learned: Be yourself, Be grateful, Be here, Exist.
Friday, November 6, 2009
A great new week!
I've never had such an amazing week! I thought adjusting to my new life would be really hard, but since I did the right thing, I guess someone up there decided to reward me for once!
My week started off rocky, I have a cold...a really nasty cold and I worked a lot. Not complaining about any of it. I love my job and I...can deal with a cold! Nothing can ever replace how happy I feel with my new chapter in my life. As my old friend would say "you may have ripped out a chapter, but you're replacing it with the best chapter of your whole book". I'm almost 18 and I think I was too afraid to be who I am alone. After all, my..ex *gulp* was the one who made me really find myself, so I was only myself around him since I spent most of my time with him. But now, I'm my own person and I'm sharing it with everyone. I'm so happy right now, my nanny job pays off so much. Taking care of a child is the best thing you can do for yourself, you have to be selfless and think only about what they need, not what you need from them. (Like for them to stop crying). It also makes you not care about what other people say about the situation...or any situation even when you aren't around the kid. For instance, my lame high school peers think they're so superior to everyone else around them that they believe talking about my blog is going to get them anywhere. I know, pathetic.
Anyways, MY life is honestly turning around. Instead always being in a confused state of mind and always having a foggy mind, I'm happy, I know what I want and my mind is so clear. Everyday can only get better from here, and if not I'm always going to find a way to make it better. I've decided to change my ways. Keep every promise I make and be risky and live my life to the fullest. The little things that will get to me, I'm going to make sure I karate kick their bums outta' my life. I'm going to visit my family in Utah next weekend, it's the perfect thing I need for my new chapter. A new look, a new "MO", and a new personality. My family is my rock, even though we have our days, I don't think I'll ever want to be away from them.
Life is more than just living it, it's living IN your life. Be a part of anything you can, grasp any opportunity for new windows and new people that come at you. Live in your life for you but live your life for others.
Lesson Learned: Life is great.
My week started off rocky, I have a cold...a really nasty cold and I worked a lot. Not complaining about any of it. I love my job and I...can deal with a cold! Nothing can ever replace how happy I feel with my new chapter in my life. As my old friend would say "you may have ripped out a chapter, but you're replacing it with the best chapter of your whole book". I'm almost 18 and I think I was too afraid to be who I am alone. After all, my..ex *gulp* was the one who made me really find myself, so I was only myself around him since I spent most of my time with him. But now, I'm my own person and I'm sharing it with everyone. I'm so happy right now, my nanny job pays off so much. Taking care of a child is the best thing you can do for yourself, you have to be selfless and think only about what they need, not what you need from them. (Like for them to stop crying). It also makes you not care about what other people say about the situation...or any situation even when you aren't around the kid. For instance, my lame high school peers think they're so superior to everyone else around them that they believe talking about my blog is going to get them anywhere. I know, pathetic.
Anyways, MY life is honestly turning around. Instead always being in a confused state of mind and always having a foggy mind, I'm happy, I know what I want and my mind is so clear. Everyday can only get better from here, and if not I'm always going to find a way to make it better. I've decided to change my ways. Keep every promise I make and be risky and live my life to the fullest. The little things that will get to me, I'm going to make sure I karate kick their bums outta' my life. I'm going to visit my family in Utah next weekend, it's the perfect thing I need for my new chapter. A new look, a new "MO", and a new personality. My family is my rock, even though we have our days, I don't think I'll ever want to be away from them.
Life is more than just living it, it's living IN your life. Be a part of anything you can, grasp any opportunity for new windows and new people that come at you. Live in your life for you but live your life for others.
Lesson Learned: Life is great.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Consider Me Gone
Life can only get harder once you've had a taste of the good times. And having someone in your life is even harder.
Sometimes it's hard to think about your life without this certain someone, yet there are times when you wish they weren't with you so you can go on with your life without having to worry about that person. And then there are the times when you wonder why they're even staying with you because they can say the worst most horrid things to your face without even regretting it. It's so hard to think clearly and have family put in their opinion at the same time. Sometimes I begin to second guess myself and I'm finally beginning to realize that I'm my own person and nobody can tell me what I am, what I mean and who I am.
I'm the girl who cares too much about people, the girl who literally wears her heart on her sleeve. I don't know why I do this, I consider myself a relatively good person, friend and girlfriend. To some people though, I'm not. Even to him.
You're in life so you can let go of the most important people in your life, it will be hard but in the end it will be for the best. Boyfriends aren't meant for seventeen year old girls who had a hard childhood, and who depend on only themselves to get them through the tough days. But a relationship is for a girl who knows what she wants, who is that man's everything and more.
I promised myself never to settle for less, and yet here I am being disposed of by a guy who I thought would treat me like my Grandpa taught me I should be treated.
I can't say I regret losing him, even though he was a part of me, it was for the best.
Even though nothing will ever replace him or what he had or heal my broken heart, I can always look back on our good times. I'll cry for days wishing it was back to the way it used to be, but at least now I have another trial to get through, another draft in my book of life I need to revise.
Something that made me realize breaking up was my last option for healing a part of my broken heart. Though some of it isn't true, it made me realize he was right, he could do better.
Every time i turn the conversation to something deeper than the weather i can feel you all but shuttin' down.
And when i need an explanation for the silence you just tell me you don't wanna talk about it now.
Bridge: 1
What you're not saying is coming in loud and clear we're at a crossroads here...
Chorus:
If i'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose
If i'm not that arrow to the heart of you
If you don't get drunk on my kiss
If you think you can do better than this then i guess we're done
Let's not drag this on
Consider me gone
Verse 2:
With you i've always been wide open like a window or an ocean. there is nothing i've ever tried to hide.
So when you leave me not knowin' where you're goin' i start thinkin' that we're lookin' we're lookin' at goodbye.
Bridge 2:
How about a strong shot of honesty don't you owe that to me...
Chorus:
If i'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose
If i'm not that arrow to the heart of you
If you don't get drunk on my kiss
If you think you can do better than this then i guess we're done
Let's not drag this on
Consider me gone.
Consider me a memory.
Consider me the past.
Consider me a smile in an old photograph someone who used to make you laugh.
If i'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose
If i'm not that arrow to the heart of you
Then i guess we're done let's not drag this on.
Consider me gone.
Consider me gone.
Consider me gone.
Just consider me gone.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F8wloiDgFx4&feature=related
Lesson Learned?
I don't know the lesson, the only thing I do know is this-
Live your life the way you want to, I held on for as long as I could and loved as hard as I was able to. They can take it or leave it.
Just pray that they'll take you.
Sometimes it's hard to think about your life without this certain someone, yet there are times when you wish they weren't with you so you can go on with your life without having to worry about that person. And then there are the times when you wonder why they're even staying with you because they can say the worst most horrid things to your face without even regretting it. It's so hard to think clearly and have family put in their opinion at the same time. Sometimes I begin to second guess myself and I'm finally beginning to realize that I'm my own person and nobody can tell me what I am, what I mean and who I am.
I'm the girl who cares too much about people, the girl who literally wears her heart on her sleeve. I don't know why I do this, I consider myself a relatively good person, friend and girlfriend. To some people though, I'm not. Even to him.
You're in life so you can let go of the most important people in your life, it will be hard but in the end it will be for the best. Boyfriends aren't meant for seventeen year old girls who had a hard childhood, and who depend on only themselves to get them through the tough days. But a relationship is for a girl who knows what she wants, who is that man's everything and more.
I promised myself never to settle for less, and yet here I am being disposed of by a guy who I thought would treat me like my Grandpa taught me I should be treated.
I can't say I regret losing him, even though he was a part of me, it was for the best.
Even though nothing will ever replace him or what he had or heal my broken heart, I can always look back on our good times. I'll cry for days wishing it was back to the way it used to be, but at least now I have another trial to get through, another draft in my book of life I need to revise.
Something that made me realize breaking up was my last option for healing a part of my broken heart. Though some of it isn't true, it made me realize he was right, he could do better.
Every time i turn the conversation to something deeper than the weather i can feel you all but shuttin' down.
And when i need an explanation for the silence you just tell me you don't wanna talk about it now.
Bridge: 1
What you're not saying is coming in loud and clear we're at a crossroads here...
Chorus:
If i'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose
If i'm not that arrow to the heart of you
If you don't get drunk on my kiss
If you think you can do better than this then i guess we're done
Let's not drag this on
Consider me gone
Verse 2:
With you i've always been wide open like a window or an ocean. there is nothing i've ever tried to hide.
So when you leave me not knowin' where you're goin' i start thinkin' that we're lookin' we're lookin' at goodbye.
Bridge 2:
How about a strong shot of honesty don't you owe that to me...
Chorus:
If i'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose
If i'm not that arrow to the heart of you
If you don't get drunk on my kiss
If you think you can do better than this then i guess we're done
Let's not drag this on
Consider me gone.
Consider me a memory.
Consider me the past.
Consider me a smile in an old photograph someone who used to make you laugh.
If i'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose
If i'm not that arrow to the heart of you
Then i guess we're done let's not drag this on.
Consider me gone.
Consider me gone.
Consider me gone.
Just consider me gone.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F8wloiDgFx4&feature=related
Lesson Learned?
I don't know the lesson, the only thing I do know is this-
Live your life the way you want to, I held on for as long as I could and loved as hard as I was able to. They can take it or leave it.
Just pray that they'll take you.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
To live is to learn
This week has been filled with wonderful learning experiences!
I learned on Monday patience, patience with babies...and crazy drivers who like to change lanes without signaling and then driving under the already slow speed limit.
Patience:
quiet, steady perseverance; even-tempered care; diligence: to work with patience.
Now, after looking this definition up there was another definition given, SOLITAIRE, which is also called patience (who knew), to arrange the cards in a predetermined manner.
The game of solitaire is a simple one person game except when you get stuck in a huge solitaire pickle and you need someone's advice on how to get your cards rearranged. Just as life is, at times.
My life in the past week has been a game of solitaire. I've had to go through a deck of cards just to find the one card I needed to get a free space. Whether it be a financial decision, my future, or what time to wake up. I've ended up in a quite a few "solitaire pickles". My mom's birthday was this week, and last Saturday she got engaged! I really couldn't be any happier for my mom and her fiance. Our life is FINALLY turning around, but, this new income of news has definitely altered my future plans. Should I go to the two new colleges I've fell in love with or stay home so my little sister won't have to switch high schools. I don't see this happy engagement as a burden. Not at all. I see it as an opportunity. A new card to find a new space.
Not only was my week exciting, I'm finally starting to piece together what I want for myself for MY future. Not just what everyone thinks I should do. I'll ask for some advice on where to lay my cards, however, with a touch of my thoughts here and there.
Another great thing that's happened to me...more just pathetic and something everyone loves to hate about high school.
The typical "you ruined my life/night of partying" gag. Of course when you stray away from a certain group because all they are capable of is creating lies, and think they can gain friendships from that. I've chosen to be patient and not only will I find a way out of it I have my guardian angels and my angels here, my family and my true friends. My Grandpa is such a great example for patience, I don't say was because he'll never be gone in my eyes. I've learned so much from him and even more from my own mom. I'm switching cards, placing my card on something better, more benefiting for myself. Laughing at how ridiculous people can be and how sad they'll be when they're 20 and they try to create something out of nothing.
A lesson for everyone:
Patience is a virtue. Living is learning along the way, and solitaire is the best game to take out your troubles on. :)
P.S. Sorry I didn't blog for so long, so many lessons so little time!
xox
I learned on Monday patience, patience with babies...and crazy drivers who like to change lanes without signaling and then driving under the already slow speed limit.
Patience:
quiet, steady perseverance; even-tempered care; diligence: to work with patience.
Now, after looking this definition up there was another definition given, SOLITAIRE, which is also called patience (who knew), to arrange the cards in a predetermined manner.
The game of solitaire is a simple one person game except when you get stuck in a huge solitaire pickle and you need someone's advice on how to get your cards rearranged. Just as life is, at times.
My life in the past week has been a game of solitaire. I've had to go through a deck of cards just to find the one card I needed to get a free space. Whether it be a financial decision, my future, or what time to wake up. I've ended up in a quite a few "solitaire pickles". My mom's birthday was this week, and last Saturday she got engaged! I really couldn't be any happier for my mom and her fiance. Our life is FINALLY turning around, but, this new income of news has definitely altered my future plans. Should I go to the two new colleges I've fell in love with or stay home so my little sister won't have to switch high schools. I don't see this happy engagement as a burden. Not at all. I see it as an opportunity. A new card to find a new space.
Not only was my week exciting, I'm finally starting to piece together what I want for myself for MY future. Not just what everyone thinks I should do. I'll ask for some advice on where to lay my cards, however, with a touch of my thoughts here and there.
Another great thing that's happened to me...more just pathetic and something everyone loves to hate about high school.
The typical "you ruined my life/night of partying" gag. Of course when you stray away from a certain group because all they are capable of is creating lies, and think they can gain friendships from that. I've chosen to be patient and not only will I find a way out of it I have my guardian angels and my angels here, my family and my true friends. My Grandpa is such a great example for patience, I don't say was because he'll never be gone in my eyes. I've learned so much from him and even more from my own mom. I'm switching cards, placing my card on something better, more benefiting for myself. Laughing at how ridiculous people can be and how sad they'll be when they're 20 and they try to create something out of nothing.
A lesson for everyone:
Patience is a virtue. Living is learning along the way, and solitaire is the best game to take out your troubles on. :)
P.S. Sorry I didn't blog for so long, so many lessons so little time!
xox
Friday, October 2, 2009
"Press Me"
It seems as though every time I or my family have a great life after a great tragedy, God shoves something our way, yet again. It's like he has a button for the Owen family and it goes off whenever things are too good.
I know it may seem weird but, for some odd reason I get this gloomy, nothing-can-help feeling when someone..anyone dies. Nothing makes me happy...absolutely nothing, I'm always spacing out and I can't fully concentrate. I guess you can say I have a keen sense for death...how sad right?
Anyways, last wednesday, the 23rd of August, my grandpa Owen passed away during heart surgery. The day after I had made tons of money to "groove up" Charlie, My mom called me in Wal-Mart when I was buying cd cases for my visors. Literally the second I was walking into Wal-Mart I knew she had news of some sort of death, I freaked out thinking Grandma has. But no, it was Grandpa, I had no idea he went into surgery that day. My brain did an immediate shut down. I circle around Wal-Mart for about twenty minutes trying to find my way to the auto section, never realizing I passed it everytime I turned left. I found my cd cases as I breathe in deeply, shakily trying to save my break down for Charlie's ears. I couldn't stop thinking "why why why why?" I wanted both my Grandma AND Grandpa to see my graduation pictures, my tassle and cap my GOWN. I wanted them both to be at my wedding. My Grandma, bless her heart (no pun intended) has been fighting heart problems for I think, a good six years now. Every year it was "She won't make it past december" but she always kicked her medical problems in the hiney. I thought they both had a good twenty years in them. Of course, hopefully Grandma will. Many people I've talked to told me "it was his turn to share his life with god".
I cried the whole way back from Wal-Mart, it was too soon I was going to visit within 2 months, I wanted one last goodbye another one of his sweet, after-shave-smelling-cologne kisses. But someone up there saw a good time to press that huge, giant, taunting red DESTROY HAPPINESS, NEW CHALLENGE button. THANKS!
Grace and I left for Utah Friday morning thanks to our Uncle Randy who flew us out and got us an early flight. The past week hasn't been the best week. The weekend was one of the hardest ones of my life. Seeing my Grandpa Sunday made it real, he's gone, never coming back. Never coming back into that door to hug me hello. My dad's side of the family (my grandpa is his dad) are all close, and we are all close to both our grandparents. We've all seen eachother's life trials and we have all been there to support eachother. Our whole family cried sunday and monday. I admire my Grandmother for staying so strong while her whole family broke down. She's a solid rock of love and support. Throughout the funeral on Monday, my dad made me realize we have to treat everyone we love and care about as if it was our last time. Because you honestly don't know if it's your last time. I got a little impatient when we went to American Fork to visit, and I now regret feeling like that. Napping instead of socializing because I was up so late chattering with Sher or just enjoying being with my dad.
My grandpa was not one to judge, neither was his wife.
They showed us how to choose wisely and I had never noticed it until this weekend.
He found happiness in every crooke and cranny of life. He shared so much love, and so much happiness for life, you couldn't help my smile when he cried tears of joy when nothing but his family was surrounding him.
I'm taking that as an example for myself.
I'm writing this to show that person up there pressing that Destroy happiness button, they can press it all they want because from now on it isn't working. I won't allow it to work. There is happiness in every trial.
We cannot survive off of happiness alone, we survive off of support, love and caring people in our lives.
Rest in Peace Grandpa, Hope to see you when it's my turn! :)
Inspiring songs:
Live like you were dying-Tim Mcgraw
Unwritten-Natasha Bedingfield
Seasons of Love-Rent (musical)
That's How you Know-Enchanted Soundtrack
Happy ever after-carrie underwood
once in a lifetime-keith urban
I know it may seem weird but, for some odd reason I get this gloomy, nothing-can-help feeling when someone..anyone dies. Nothing makes me happy...absolutely nothing, I'm always spacing out and I can't fully concentrate. I guess you can say I have a keen sense for death...how sad right?
Anyways, last wednesday, the 23rd of August, my grandpa Owen passed away during heart surgery. The day after I had made tons of money to "groove up" Charlie, My mom called me in Wal-Mart when I was buying cd cases for my visors. Literally the second I was walking into Wal-Mart I knew she had news of some sort of death, I freaked out thinking Grandma has. But no, it was Grandpa, I had no idea he went into surgery that day. My brain did an immediate shut down. I circle around Wal-Mart for about twenty minutes trying to find my way to the auto section, never realizing I passed it everytime I turned left. I found my cd cases as I breathe in deeply, shakily trying to save my break down for Charlie's ears. I couldn't stop thinking "why why why why?" I wanted both my Grandma AND Grandpa to see my graduation pictures, my tassle and cap my GOWN. I wanted them both to be at my wedding. My Grandma, bless her heart (no pun intended) has been fighting heart problems for I think, a good six years now. Every year it was "She won't make it past december" but she always kicked her medical problems in the hiney. I thought they both had a good twenty years in them. Of course, hopefully Grandma will. Many people I've talked to told me "it was his turn to share his life with god".
I cried the whole way back from Wal-Mart, it was too soon I was going to visit within 2 months, I wanted one last goodbye another one of his sweet, after-shave-smelling-cologne kisses. But someone up there saw a good time to press that huge, giant, taunting red DESTROY HAPPINESS, NEW CHALLENGE button. THANKS!
Grace and I left for Utah Friday morning thanks to our Uncle Randy who flew us out and got us an early flight. The past week hasn't been the best week. The weekend was one of the hardest ones of my life. Seeing my Grandpa Sunday made it real, he's gone, never coming back. Never coming back into that door to hug me hello. My dad's side of the family (my grandpa is his dad) are all close, and we are all close to both our grandparents. We've all seen eachother's life trials and we have all been there to support eachother. Our whole family cried sunday and monday. I admire my Grandmother for staying so strong while her whole family broke down. She's a solid rock of love and support. Throughout the funeral on Monday, my dad made me realize we have to treat everyone we love and care about as if it was our last time. Because you honestly don't know if it's your last time. I got a little impatient when we went to American Fork to visit, and I now regret feeling like that. Napping instead of socializing because I was up so late chattering with Sher or just enjoying being with my dad.
My grandpa was not one to judge, neither was his wife.
They showed us how to choose wisely and I had never noticed it until this weekend.
He found happiness in every crooke and cranny of life. He shared so much love, and so much happiness for life, you couldn't help my smile when he cried tears of joy when nothing but his family was surrounding him.
I'm taking that as an example for myself.
I'm writing this to show that person up there pressing that Destroy happiness button, they can press it all they want because from now on it isn't working. I won't allow it to work. There is happiness in every trial.
We cannot survive off of happiness alone, we survive off of support, love and caring people in our lives.
Rest in Peace Grandpa, Hope to see you when it's my turn! :)
Inspiring songs:
Live like you were dying-Tim Mcgraw
Unwritten-Natasha Bedingfield
Seasons of Love-Rent (musical)
That's How you Know-Enchanted Soundtrack
Happy ever after-carrie underwood
once in a lifetime-keith urban
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Them Good Ol' Days
Sometimes I wish I could go back to when I was four, and only spoke to family and Sharlee. That way my words wouldn't get twisted and people who actually fall for made up stories won't allow themselves to hear the truth. It's the sad people who believe high school is like 90210 or Gossip Girl. Gag me! Not to hate on high school or people, but I strongly dislike superficial friends, or even people for that matter. I see no future for them, and since I'm a little too caring for people I hardly know I tend to comment on it. Sure it's not a very healthy habit, but it's a habit nonetheless and I think it's the only way I can let out my anger.
Sadly enough I lost who I thought was a good friend, but it turns out she only wants to say she is, she can't be friends with me or the girl (ex-friend) I'm having problems with right now. I understand it's hard to have two friends not talking and having a falling out, but I see no reason why you should ever ditch the other person, turn your back on them, and never stick up for them.
I have to be biased. Utah was such a more welcoming place for me, I never felt like I had drama there and I was there till 7th grade, you know when girls are at their caddy-est. I never got involved because the people there didn't do what people here do. Makeup lies just to get a conversation going. I know, "it's high school" but why can't people change the way they raise their kids? Here, in Palo Alto the majority of kids are handed everything, at least from what I observe. They get their car for birthdays, they "earn" money for grades, and yet they have the nerve to call themselves independent, but me, who has worked for everything am not? I don't think so!
A background check.
When I was born I was born with the imbecilic chord wrapped all around me and I was stuck, so knowing the exciting new technology boom (90's) they vacuumed my sweet little blue baby head out of there. I believe this had caused SOME damage to my brain..I mean come on..a freaking VACUUM on a baby who hasn't been OFFICIALLY born?! Anyways, I was just one of those unlucky babies who had to spend weeks and days and random visits to the hospital. Well, when it came time for me to speak and my mom dad were doing what parents do with babies "SAY MA MA!" nothing came out of my mouth but "AH-EE" yep, I couldn't pronounce consonants only vowels. I slightly remember, like a dream, that I always thought I was speaking normally and the person I was talking to just couldn't understand me. So I was always huffing and puffing after they said "what was that?" for the fifth time in a row.
Kindergarten rolled by and I had started to read billboards and chapter books, but I was shy with speaking to new people. My kindergarten teacher Mrs. Olpen, man do I miss that lady, was one of the few I would speak to. I was self-conscious now, I went to a special day care/pre-school and everyone in my kindergarten afternoon class always looked at me funny when I spoke. The mean kids that probably ended up like the kids at my high school who are superficial, gave me the name "Mere-deaf" they thought they were so clever, of course this silenced me and when my mom got married I would rarely talk, but my family and close friends of ours knew my crazy hyper personality because they never judged me. When I went to Granite Elementary I spoke a lot more and made a lot more friends. Even till now, I'm shy at first because of that kid fear of judgment.
If only high school were like this. Back to Elementary school when things didn't matter. You could say whatever to whoever and then forget about it at recess or beat them at kickball and you're all better. I've come to realize that you can't do anything but ignore and deal with it.
So that's what I've been doing, ignoring and avoiding, but it bit me in my butt Friday.
Katie, one of the few I wanted to remain close to decided to show her true colors, or so I think. Not only did she ditch me the day before, she took back what she said about understanding what I'm going there and that she'll always be there for me. And I know why. People who can lie and make up grand stories and twist my words, are usually the people who can convince close friends to believe that I'm pitying myself, and thinking I'm innocent.
No one is innocent, unless they're honest. I've been honest in my friendships throughout my 4 years, it's hard being surrounded by drama and lies and rumors and never knowing who's truly good or who's just bad news. It's sad to see that now a days "I forgive you" doesn't mean the same thing. It's sad that I've lost another friend, but it can only be another gain.
This next week I'm promising to myself that I won't let these immature seniors get in my way of finding myself. I have a pretty good idea who I am, but the only thing left to figure out is who I want to be. Do I want to be the girl who lost a lot, but gained so much more, or the girl who gave up but at least she knew who she was.
I'm choosing to be both, I'm giving up on people who show only interest in what I have to say about who. I'm gaining more friendships and more opportunities to seize my career dream. Thanks to Zoe for the suggestion :D. I'm opening up my heart and mind to see the good in people, and my instinct compass to find those good natured people in my school, and out of school.
My lesson for the week: If you know who you are, you have nothing to fear. People who are aware of your true-self will see that you have more to offer than you thought. Be confident in yourself, it's not always about who's right and who's wrong, she said he said. It's about what is right and what your gut and heart say. Life has more to offer than high school drama. It's an experience to learn from, and I think I'm beginning to finally ace some tests :)
Sadly enough I lost who I thought was a good friend, but it turns out she only wants to say she is, she can't be friends with me or the girl (ex-friend) I'm having problems with right now. I understand it's hard to have two friends not talking and having a falling out, but I see no reason why you should ever ditch the other person, turn your back on them, and never stick up for them.
I have to be biased. Utah was such a more welcoming place for me, I never felt like I had drama there and I was there till 7th grade, you know when girls are at their caddy-est. I never got involved because the people there didn't do what people here do. Makeup lies just to get a conversation going. I know, "it's high school" but why can't people change the way they raise their kids? Here, in Palo Alto the majority of kids are handed everything, at least from what I observe. They get their car for birthdays, they "earn" money for grades, and yet they have the nerve to call themselves independent, but me, who has worked for everything am not? I don't think so!
A background check.
When I was born I was born with the imbecilic chord wrapped all around me and I was stuck, so knowing the exciting new technology boom (90's) they vacuumed my sweet little blue baby head out of there. I believe this had caused SOME damage to my brain..I mean come on..a freaking VACUUM on a baby who hasn't been OFFICIALLY born?! Anyways, I was just one of those unlucky babies who had to spend weeks and days and random visits to the hospital. Well, when it came time for me to speak and my mom dad were doing what parents do with babies "SAY MA MA!" nothing came out of my mouth but "AH-EE" yep, I couldn't pronounce consonants only vowels. I slightly remember, like a dream, that I always thought I was speaking normally and the person I was talking to just couldn't understand me. So I was always huffing and puffing after they said "what was that?" for the fifth time in a row.
Kindergarten rolled by and I had started to read billboards and chapter books, but I was shy with speaking to new people. My kindergarten teacher Mrs. Olpen, man do I miss that lady, was one of the few I would speak to. I was self-conscious now, I went to a special day care/pre-school and everyone in my kindergarten afternoon class always looked at me funny when I spoke. The mean kids that probably ended up like the kids at my high school who are superficial, gave me the name "Mere-deaf" they thought they were so clever, of course this silenced me and when my mom got married I would rarely talk, but my family and close friends of ours knew my crazy hyper personality because they never judged me. When I went to Granite Elementary I spoke a lot more and made a lot more friends. Even till now, I'm shy at first because of that kid fear of judgment.
If only high school were like this. Back to Elementary school when things didn't matter. You could say whatever to whoever and then forget about it at recess or beat them at kickball and you're all better. I've come to realize that you can't do anything but ignore and deal with it.
So that's what I've been doing, ignoring and avoiding, but it bit me in my butt Friday.
Katie, one of the few I wanted to remain close to decided to show her true colors, or so I think. Not only did she ditch me the day before, she took back what she said about understanding what I'm going there and that she'll always be there for me. And I know why. People who can lie and make up grand stories and twist my words, are usually the people who can convince close friends to believe that I'm pitying myself, and thinking I'm innocent.
No one is innocent, unless they're honest. I've been honest in my friendships throughout my 4 years, it's hard being surrounded by drama and lies and rumors and never knowing who's truly good or who's just bad news. It's sad to see that now a days "I forgive you" doesn't mean the same thing. It's sad that I've lost another friend, but it can only be another gain.
This next week I'm promising to myself that I won't let these immature seniors get in my way of finding myself. I have a pretty good idea who I am, but the only thing left to figure out is who I want to be. Do I want to be the girl who lost a lot, but gained so much more, or the girl who gave up but at least she knew who she was.
I'm choosing to be both, I'm giving up on people who show only interest in what I have to say about who. I'm gaining more friendships and more opportunities to seize my career dream. Thanks to Zoe for the suggestion :D. I'm opening up my heart and mind to see the good in people, and my instinct compass to find those good natured people in my school, and out of school.
My lesson for the week: If you know who you are, you have nothing to fear. People who are aware of your true-self will see that you have more to offer than you thought. Be confident in yourself, it's not always about who's right and who's wrong, she said he said. It's about what is right and what your gut and heart say. Life has more to offer than high school drama. It's an experience to learn from, and I think I'm beginning to finally ace some tests :)
Saturday, September 12, 2009
TGIF!
Wow! What a great Friday!
We had a minimal day (early dismissal) and of course Gracie has a cheer leading gig, which was great. Not only was my school day wonderful, my day as of 1pm-11pm was probably even better!
It started with me FINALLY getting charlie (my car that I had...errr crashed) in may. Yeah, feel my pain! Charlie has a brown door, what I am now calling his "birthmark" but it feels great getting my car back, I'm not being dependent on people as much anymore. I can't express to you guys how much happiness I felt when I handed my mom the three-hundred and fifty dollars I had to gather up for my half of the payment. Note, I had never held that much cash in my LIFE. When I got into my car, that was burning up and reeked of greasy mechanics and oil I was estactic to finally be driving again and so thankful for my mom supporting me in the payment. I would have had to sell poor charlie and live without a car all senior year. Some may poke fun at my car, but they don't know how much love we have for him! For those who aren't part of my family or a close friend do not know the story of how I got my charlie.
It was freshman year and our house had gotten broken into, they stole our video recorder..and yes our precious home videos and dance recitals, and a portable dvd player which we had borrowed. Oh and my 15 dollars :). My mom was paranoid that it was our neighbor Tim from across the circle, so she wanted reassurance that someone will always "appear" to be home. (Previously we had a blue camry parked in our carport for Sheridan's last request to stay in california, which was wasn't taken, Chuck had given it to his son Andy. But it was later wrecked on the freeway.) It was our lucky day, Andy had dropped off his 1985 toyota camry at Grammie's and Chuck's I guess as a trade for the Lexus SUV..I honestly don't know. But anyways, Chuck had offered it to us, and my mom gratefully accepted.
I spent 2.5 hours cleaning that damned thing (pardon my french), with white cloths now stained charcoal and two bags of garbage and a full vacuum bag of toenails and other things. I had rightfully earned this car. (Oh I got 20 bucks for cleaning it).
I couldn't come to think that I had this old car and being a fifteen year old a little embarrased but still grateful. I have a knack for naming things and it's kind of a bad habit (many will testify). I named him Charlie and wrote it in sharpie on the front window. Charlie hadn't really been taken care of, but chuck had paid for is oil to be changed and a new battery...which then died and the tires flattened and what not. Anyways, Charlie, being his neglected self finally got the freedom he deserved, 3 years later. I got my license in December '09 to surprise my then dating friend (now boyfriend) for his birthday. Charlie was in the shop getting all repaired for me to drive him and free him of this sad sad imprisonment! The day of December fifth, I believe was the happiest day of both of our lives. WE WERE FREE! I went with my mom to pick him up at the valco shop up our street, he rattled with excitement and shook with adrenaline at every stop we made! I had to celebrate, I drove to IN N' OUT and picked grace up from cheer, of course after getting a car freshener (watermelon), he was so happy, everyday I would tell him "Oh Charlie you're the best!" he shook back with happiness.
Charlie and I are as one, as crazy as it sounds. Think of Herbie with Lindsay Lohan, the bond they had, well that's the bond my car and I share. Gratefulness, pride, and happiness. Charlie is not only 24 years old, but he runs with spirit. I don't care that I have to pump the gas to get going fast. I don't care that people think it's a piece of junk. Charlie is my first car, my first true sign of appreciation. My first crash.
Ah, my first crash...it was pathetic but memorable.
Our neighbors were having a party, and of course they think they are welcome to park ANYWHERE, I was on my way to a friends when my mom said I had to back out her car and re-park it so it won't get in the way. I back hers out park it in the middle of the road (the only available spot) noticing that there was a van and little kids kept spilling out of it, they were playing in THE DRIVEWAY in the road EVERYWHERE! Well charlie had to be taken out as well, so I got in started him up, checked for kids and started to back out. Only to hear a big "EERRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEKKKKK" and the post of our carport breaking as my door gets dragged through the hedge. I just look at Charlie like "oh shoot, this isn't good" Charlie shook back. He was trembling so I had to pull forward, carefully as to not hurt him anymore. He trembled in fear as I turned off the engine and examined the damage. The door just wouldn't shut. And Charlie sat in our carport, exposed for three months.
Now, I have learned my lesson to shut the door before checking for kids, never drive in a frenzy, and always care for your car. (We had a little tiff before the accident)
Charlie is repaired, he's mine and I'm never going to stop appreciating everyone who has helped me fix him!
Granted when I get enough money to buy a newer car, Grace will take my spot, but nothing NO ONE will ever have the same bond as Charlie and I did. He is showered with love, and pats and little head rubs (on the hood of the engine).
If it weren't for Andy crashing that car, and if it weren't for that break in, I would have never gotten the privilege to have a CAR, Charlie.
Go home and give your car some love! They take you EVERYWHERE!
:)
Picture of Charlie coming soon :)
We had a minimal day (early dismissal) and of course Gracie has a cheer leading gig, which was great. Not only was my school day wonderful, my day as of 1pm-11pm was probably even better!
It started with me FINALLY getting charlie (my car that I had...errr crashed) in may. Yeah, feel my pain! Charlie has a brown door, what I am now calling his "birthmark" but it feels great getting my car back, I'm not being dependent on people as much anymore. I can't express to you guys how much happiness I felt when I handed my mom the three-hundred and fifty dollars I had to gather up for my half of the payment. Note, I had never held that much cash in my LIFE. When I got into my car, that was burning up and reeked of greasy mechanics and oil I was estactic to finally be driving again and so thankful for my mom supporting me in the payment. I would have had to sell poor charlie and live without a car all senior year. Some may poke fun at my car, but they don't know how much love we have for him! For those who aren't part of my family or a close friend do not know the story of how I got my charlie.
It was freshman year and our house had gotten broken into, they stole our video recorder..and yes our precious home videos and dance recitals, and a portable dvd player which we had borrowed. Oh and my 15 dollars :). My mom was paranoid that it was our neighbor Tim from across the circle, so she wanted reassurance that someone will always "appear" to be home. (Previously we had a blue camry parked in our carport for Sheridan's last request to stay in california, which was wasn't taken, Chuck had given it to his son Andy. But it was later wrecked on the freeway.) It was our lucky day, Andy had dropped off his 1985 toyota camry at Grammie's and Chuck's I guess as a trade for the Lexus SUV..I honestly don't know. But anyways, Chuck had offered it to us, and my mom gratefully accepted.
I spent 2.5 hours cleaning that damned thing (pardon my french), with white cloths now stained charcoal and two bags of garbage and a full vacuum bag of toenails and other things. I had rightfully earned this car. (Oh I got 20 bucks for cleaning it).
I couldn't come to think that I had this old car and being a fifteen year old a little embarrased but still grateful. I have a knack for naming things and it's kind of a bad habit (many will testify). I named him Charlie and wrote it in sharpie on the front window. Charlie hadn't really been taken care of, but chuck had paid for is oil to be changed and a new battery...which then died and the tires flattened and what not. Anyways, Charlie, being his neglected self finally got the freedom he deserved, 3 years later. I got my license in December '09 to surprise my then dating friend (now boyfriend) for his birthday. Charlie was in the shop getting all repaired for me to drive him and free him of this sad sad imprisonment! The day of December fifth, I believe was the happiest day of both of our lives. WE WERE FREE! I went with my mom to pick him up at the valco shop up our street, he rattled with excitement and shook with adrenaline at every stop we made! I had to celebrate, I drove to IN N' OUT and picked grace up from cheer, of course after getting a car freshener (watermelon), he was so happy, everyday I would tell him "Oh Charlie you're the best!" he shook back with happiness.
Charlie and I are as one, as crazy as it sounds. Think of Herbie with Lindsay Lohan, the bond they had, well that's the bond my car and I share. Gratefulness, pride, and happiness. Charlie is not only 24 years old, but he runs with spirit. I don't care that I have to pump the gas to get going fast. I don't care that people think it's a piece of junk. Charlie is my first car, my first true sign of appreciation. My first crash.
Ah, my first crash...it was pathetic but memorable.
Our neighbors were having a party, and of course they think they are welcome to park ANYWHERE, I was on my way to a friends when my mom said I had to back out her car and re-park it so it won't get in the way. I back hers out park it in the middle of the road (the only available spot) noticing that there was a van and little kids kept spilling out of it, they were playing in THE DRIVEWAY in the road EVERYWHERE! Well charlie had to be taken out as well, so I got in started him up, checked for kids and started to back out. Only to hear a big "EERRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEKKKKK" and the post of our carport breaking as my door gets dragged through the hedge. I just look at Charlie like "oh shoot, this isn't good" Charlie shook back. He was trembling so I had to pull forward, carefully as to not hurt him anymore. He trembled in fear as I turned off the engine and examined the damage. The door just wouldn't shut. And Charlie sat in our carport, exposed for three months.
Now, I have learned my lesson to shut the door before checking for kids, never drive in a frenzy, and always care for your car. (We had a little tiff before the accident)
Charlie is repaired, he's mine and I'm never going to stop appreciating everyone who has helped me fix him!
Granted when I get enough money to buy a newer car, Grace will take my spot, but nothing NO ONE will ever have the same bond as Charlie and I did. He is showered with love, and pats and little head rubs (on the hood of the engine).
If it weren't for Andy crashing that car, and if it weren't for that break in, I would have never gotten the privilege to have a CAR, Charlie.
Go home and give your car some love! They take you EVERYWHERE!
:)
Picture of Charlie coming soon :)
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Thankful Thursday
My day couldn't have started out any better this morning, I woke up with a good amount of sleep and my kink in my shoulder had disappeared. I got to school just on time, and my English class was an easy way to start out my day, and I had the privilege to walk to class with one of my few close friends, Keely. I don't think she knows it but I really appreciated just having her there not worrying about anything that has happened these past few weeks. Sadly, god makes perfect moments and unfortunate turn around as a test to see if we can roll with the punches and turn around a bad day.
It all turned bad when my boyfriend sent me a reply text in fourth period (curse those cell phones), just spitting out these horrible things at me throughout all period, of course I reacted with anger and "yelled" back but I never expected what my mind came to conclusion. I decided to give up trying and putting in my all when I get anger in return, or even 30% effort back. I wished I was being biased right now. Anyways, after telling him if ending things is what he truly wants and that's how he'll be happy I can only support him, as a last try to let him know I can't end it. He said in reply it's best if we break up. After almost 11 months of dating each other and almost 9 months of being official, you can imagine how much this can crush a girl. I tried to be strong and tough out my next block period and the next 15 minutes of lunch in my mom's office, but this heartbreak wouldn't allow me. I told my mom and as I told her my body only convulsed with gasps of air and my eyes flooded with tears, knowing this was the end and I can't do anything else to keep it going. While I was breaking down on my arms on my mom's desk, I realized, I'm always keeping him here, I AM holding him back...you know all the "woe is me" "pity me" stuff a girl goes through during a break up. This only made me cry more, the bell rang for sixth period and I was trying to think if I could make it to my American Sign Language class without breaking down...or if I could go to ACS and breakdown up there. I decided I only needed my little sister Grace to hug me because when you go through heartbreak you have to have family surround you with their undying love to fill the hole in your heart where love once lied. I walked up the stairs with my mom trying not to cry again, but being comforted that I wasn't going up there alone. I got to the room as everyone looked at me, they thought it was a joke..coming in late, but Gracie's face changed the minute she saw me stone-faced and tear stained, I had to tell my teacher why I needed to take Grace and be alone with her. I sucked in my breath and told her, she told me take all the time I need, I know what a relief. The minute Grace touched me I broke down and I'm sure the class heard me, but what can you do when you go through something like this? Grace and I sat outside beneath a tree as she was holding me and I was bawling not being able to breathe or talk, she and my mom(who had to get back to work) were rubbing my back telling me nothing but "shhhhhh" I could feel Grace occasionally embrace me harder, just like he did, so I could only break down more. She wanted to know what happened so all I could do was try to catch my breath. I told her what happened and she became nothing but mad at him, mad that he hurt me and mad that he would do this over text. Long story short, I made it through class with the help of my amazing ASL 3 peeps. I'm sure they didn't know what went on but I don't care, not talking about it and not having to think about nothing but ASL and Zoe's and Stephanie's hilarious stories that sincerely made me laugh, even though laughing made me want to cry so I had to limit my giggles, not only did my peeps help me Tess had given me a hug while I was breaking down walking outside, and comforting me, probably thinking it was something with what has been happening lately.
My seventh period prep: I saw Selena on the quad, I couldn't be anymore grateful for a girl who can understand anything and everything, and Tess (this was during the end of sixth) who told me nothing but the comforting truth. I don't know what my day would have been like if I hadn't run into Tess on my way downstairs. I'm so grateful God sent me these guardian angels to comfort me through my darkest days, and laugh with on my brightest. I feel bad that we've all lost touch, but I don't think after today it will be the same.
My life lesson for the day:
When life gets you down, breakdown around family and a dear friend. There is nothing better than an endearing, embracing hug from the people you adore and love. Thank you all so much for today, I couldn't have made it without ANY of you. Even if you weren't mentioned, you still made my day brighter than it was as of 12:20 today. You're angels. :)
It all turned bad when my boyfriend sent me a reply text in fourth period (curse those cell phones), just spitting out these horrible things at me throughout all period, of course I reacted with anger and "yelled" back but I never expected what my mind came to conclusion. I decided to give up trying and putting in my all when I get anger in return, or even 30% effort back. I wished I was being biased right now. Anyways, after telling him if ending things is what he truly wants and that's how he'll be happy I can only support him, as a last try to let him know I can't end it. He said in reply it's best if we break up. After almost 11 months of dating each other and almost 9 months of being official, you can imagine how much this can crush a girl. I tried to be strong and tough out my next block period and the next 15 minutes of lunch in my mom's office, but this heartbreak wouldn't allow me. I told my mom and as I told her my body only convulsed with gasps of air and my eyes flooded with tears, knowing this was the end and I can't do anything else to keep it going. While I was breaking down on my arms on my mom's desk, I realized, I'm always keeping him here, I AM holding him back...you know all the "woe is me" "pity me" stuff a girl goes through during a break up. This only made me cry more, the bell rang for sixth period and I was trying to think if I could make it to my American Sign Language class without breaking down...or if I could go to ACS and breakdown up there. I decided I only needed my little sister Grace to hug me because when you go through heartbreak you have to have family surround you with their undying love to fill the hole in your heart where love once lied. I walked up the stairs with my mom trying not to cry again, but being comforted that I wasn't going up there alone. I got to the room as everyone looked at me, they thought it was a joke..coming in late, but Gracie's face changed the minute she saw me stone-faced and tear stained, I had to tell my teacher why I needed to take Grace and be alone with her. I sucked in my breath and told her, she told me take all the time I need, I know what a relief. The minute Grace touched me I broke down and I'm sure the class heard me, but what can you do when you go through something like this? Grace and I sat outside beneath a tree as she was holding me and I was bawling not being able to breathe or talk, she and my mom(who had to get back to work) were rubbing my back telling me nothing but "shhhhhh" I could feel Grace occasionally embrace me harder, just like he did, so I could only break down more. She wanted to know what happened so all I could do was try to catch my breath. I told her what happened and she became nothing but mad at him, mad that he hurt me and mad that he would do this over text. Long story short, I made it through class with the help of my amazing ASL 3 peeps. I'm sure they didn't know what went on but I don't care, not talking about it and not having to think about nothing but ASL and Zoe's and Stephanie's hilarious stories that sincerely made me laugh, even though laughing made me want to cry so I had to limit my giggles, not only did my peeps help me Tess had given me a hug while I was breaking down walking outside, and comforting me, probably thinking it was something with what has been happening lately.
My seventh period prep: I saw Selena on the quad, I couldn't be anymore grateful for a girl who can understand anything and everything, and Tess (this was during the end of sixth) who told me nothing but the comforting truth. I don't know what my day would have been like if I hadn't run into Tess on my way downstairs. I'm so grateful God sent me these guardian angels to comfort me through my darkest days, and laugh with on my brightest. I feel bad that we've all lost touch, but I don't think after today it will be the same.
My life lesson for the day:
When life gets you down, breakdown around family and a dear friend. There is nothing better than an endearing, embracing hug from the people you adore and love. Thank you all so much for today, I couldn't have made it without ANY of you. Even if you weren't mentioned, you still made my day brighter than it was as of 12:20 today. You're angels. :)
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
A Beautiful Day
These past few days have been annoying and irritating, always thinking about money and how much I have and how much I want and how much I need. I'm always wishing to go back in time and stay young and never have to worry about money ever again, but I think twice and realize, God sent me here to go through trials and this may be one of the very scrutinizing ones, but it will definitely be one of my most trimuphant...hopefully :)
If you ever have a day where money won't leave your mind and how much you hate going to work, visit a park with a good book and zone out, lose track of time or even day dream at that park!
My job is a childcare giver, I nanny a sweet little baby and he and his parents constantly remind me that there is more to life than plain stupid money. It's so hard to believe that a baby who can't even talk make your mind wander the distance mine has when I'm caring for him. I can't be anymore thankful for such a more rewarding job than I have taking care of kids.
Sidetracking a little bit. Lately I haven't been so into going to church and become my religious self again, mostly because I've allowed these materialistic things to blind me from what truley matters. As I sat in the park today with Soren (the baby I care for) I realized today is nothing more than a beautiful gift from our wonderful number one man up there. This not only makes me think more about what he has done for me but what more he can do for me, and how much I need him to do things for me. Today has made me recognize that it is all up to me to reconnect with my religion, although I may disagree with some of the standards, I can always go to church to get the basic message. I can only here my mother and father's voice "I told you so" ringing around in my head as I write this, but I only laugh at myself because I know they have, I was just too busy to listen.
A word of advice-wake up and smell the roses people! :)
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Senior Year Saga
"Sometimes your closest friend is your greatest enemy."
- Jason Fong
Being a senior in high school is not what I had expected it to be. Usually you expect high school to be an experience of a lifetime. Mine sure has, but now it feels almost as though I'm losing everything I had worked for, including friends. So far my three weeks back at Palo Alto High School have been okay, but not the best. I've been expecting too much out of it and finding myself doing homework in the library instead of eating with friends. My high school is just how it is in the movies. Cliques, immaturity, and of course drama. I've always been stuck in the middle of drama and mix ups, but I've always been able to get myself out of it since I have nothing to do with any of this soap opera crap. But this year, my senior year, my theory has backfired. My friends won't talk to me because my ex best friend can control minds, not kidding. So again, I find myself friendless wanting to runaway to my boyfriend in Cupertino and just cry in his arms. The only thing that makes it worse is the hundreds of senior couples around me. My boyfriend graduated from Monte Vista last year and not only was it not my school, it was far away. He's my best friend and one of the few people who haven't burned me. The sad thing is, since I've been with him I've changed into a better person, but my high school will shun couples who spend time together and assume you make no time for friends. This is how my friendship fallout occurred. I know who I am now, and what I can look for in a friend, but losing friendships is always the hardest thing to do even though you know it's the right thing. Of course I'm rekindling old friendships that seemed to have just died the past three years. Now, I can only keep my head up and hope for the best. I'm already counting down the days till graduation. As an old friend told me "Prepare for the worst and hope for the best". It's a hard thing to let my heart do, but I know it will only work out for the best. High school is high school, teenagers are teenagers, friends will come and go. This goes to show you can't let others decide who you are, if you know who you are your true friends will come out and you'll survive what will seem like the worst year of your high school career.
- Jason Fong
Being a senior in high school is not what I had expected it to be. Usually you expect high school to be an experience of a lifetime. Mine sure has, but now it feels almost as though I'm losing everything I had worked for, including friends. So far my three weeks back at Palo Alto High School have been okay, but not the best. I've been expecting too much out of it and finding myself doing homework in the library instead of eating with friends. My high school is just how it is in the movies. Cliques, immaturity, and of course drama. I've always been stuck in the middle of drama and mix ups, but I've always been able to get myself out of it since I have nothing to do with any of this soap opera crap. But this year, my senior year, my theory has backfired. My friends won't talk to me because my ex best friend can control minds, not kidding. So again, I find myself friendless wanting to runaway to my boyfriend in Cupertino and just cry in his arms. The only thing that makes it worse is the hundreds of senior couples around me. My boyfriend graduated from Monte Vista last year and not only was it not my school, it was far away. He's my best friend and one of the few people who haven't burned me. The sad thing is, since I've been with him I've changed into a better person, but my high school will shun couples who spend time together and assume you make no time for friends. This is how my friendship fallout occurred. I know who I am now, and what I can look for in a friend, but losing friendships is always the hardest thing to do even though you know it's the right thing. Of course I'm rekindling old friendships that seemed to have just died the past three years. Now, I can only keep my head up and hope for the best. I'm already counting down the days till graduation. As an old friend told me "Prepare for the worst and hope for the best". It's a hard thing to let my heart do, but I know it will only work out for the best. High school is high school, teenagers are teenagers, friends will come and go. This goes to show you can't let others decide who you are, if you know who you are your true friends will come out and you'll survive what will seem like the worst year of your high school career.
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