Them Good Ol' Days

Sometimes I wish I could go back to when I was four, and only spoke to family and Sharlee. That way my words wouldn't get twisted and people who actually fall for made up stories won't allow themselves to hear the truth. It's the sad people who believe high school is like 90210 or Gossip Girl. Gag me! Not to hate on high school or people, but I strongly dislike superficial friends, or even people for that matter. I see no future for them, and since I'm a little too caring for people I hardly know I tend to comment on it. Sure it's not a very healthy habit, but it's a habit nonetheless and I think it's the only way I can let out my anger.
Sadly enough I lost who I thought was a good friend, but it turns out she only wants to say she is, she can't be friends with me or the girl (ex-friend) I'm having problems with right now. I understand it's hard to have two friends not talking and having a falling out, but I see no reason why you should ever ditch the other person, turn your back on them, and never stick up for them.
I have to be biased. Utah was such a more welcoming place for me, I never felt like I had drama there and I was there till 7th grade, you know when girls are at their caddy-est. I never got involved because the people there didn't do what people here do. Makeup lies just to get a conversation going. I know, "it's high school" but why can't people change the way they raise their kids? Here, in Palo Alto the majority of kids are handed everything, at least from what I observe. They get their car for birthdays, they "earn" money for grades, and yet they have the nerve to call themselves independent, but me, who has worked for everything am not? I don't think so!
A background check.
When I was born I was born with the imbecilic chord wrapped all around me and I was stuck, so knowing the exciting new technology boom (90's) they vacuumed my sweet little blue baby head out of there. I believe this had caused SOME damage to my brain..I mean come on..a freaking VACUUM on a baby who hasn't been OFFICIALLY born?! Anyways, I was just one of those unlucky babies who had to spend weeks and days and random visits to the hospital. Well, when it came time for me to speak and my mom dad were doing what parents do with babies "SAY MA MA!" nothing came out of my mouth but "AH-EE" yep, I couldn't pronounce consonants only vowels. I slightly remember, like a dream, that I always thought I was speaking normally and the person I was talking to just couldn't understand me. So I was always huffing and puffing after they said "what was that?" for the fifth time in a row.
Kindergarten rolled by and I had started to read billboards and chapter books, but I was shy with speaking to new people. My kindergarten teacher Mrs. Olpen, man do I miss that lady, was one of the few I would speak to. I was self-conscious now, I went to a special day care/pre-school and everyone in my kindergarten afternoon class always looked at me funny when I spoke. The mean kids that probably ended up like the kids at my high school who are superficial, gave me the name "Mere-deaf" they thought they were so clever, of course this silenced me and when my mom got married I would rarely talk, but my family and close friends of ours knew my crazy hyper personality because they never judged me. When I went to Granite Elementary I spoke a lot more and made a lot more friends. Even till now, I'm shy at first because of that kid fear of judgment.
If only high school were like this. Back to Elementary school when things didn't matter. You could say whatever to whoever and then forget about it at recess or beat them at kickball and you're all better. I've come to realize that you can't do anything but ignore and deal with it.
So that's what I've been doing, ignoring and avoiding, but it bit me in my butt Friday.
Katie, one of the few I wanted to remain close to decided to show her true colors, or so I think. Not only did she ditch me the day before, she took back what she said about understanding what I'm going there and that she'll always be there for me. And I know why. People who can lie and make up grand stories and twist my words, are usually the people who can convince close friends to believe that I'm pitying myself, and thinking I'm innocent.
No one is innocent, unless they're honest. I've been honest in my friendships throughout my 4 years, it's hard being surrounded by drama and lies and rumors and never knowing who's truly good or who's just bad news. It's sad to see that now a days "I forgive you" doesn't mean the same thing. It's sad that I've lost another friend, but it can only be another gain.
This next week I'm promising to myself that I won't let these immature seniors get in my way of finding myself. I have a pretty good idea who I am, but the only thing left to figure out is who I want to be. Do I want to be the girl who lost a lot, but gained so much more, or the girl who gave up but at least she knew who she was.
I'm choosing to be both, I'm giving up on people who show only interest in what I have to say about who. I'm gaining more friendships and more opportunities to seize my career dream. Thanks to Zoe for the suggestion :D. I'm opening up my heart and mind to see the good in people, and my instinct compass to find those good natured people in my school, and out of school.
My lesson for the week: If you know who you are, you have nothing to fear. People who are aware of your true-self will see that you have more to offer than you thought. Be confident in yourself, it's not always about who's right and who's wrong, she said he said. It's about what is right and what your gut and heart say. Life has more to offer than high school drama. It's an experience to learn from, and I think I'm beginning to finally ace some tests :)