Consider Me Gone

Life can only get harder once you've had a taste of the good times. And having someone in your life is even harder.

Sometimes it's hard to think about your life without this certain someone, yet there are times when you wish they weren't with you so you can go on with your life without having to worry about that person. And then there are the times when you wonder why they're even staying with you because they can say the worst most horrid things to your face without even regretting it. It's so hard to think clearly and have family put in their opinion at the same time. Sometimes I begin to second guess myself and I'm finally beginning to realize that I'm my own person and nobody can tell me what I am, what I mean and who I am.
I'm the girl who cares too much about people, the girl who literally wears her heart on her sleeve. I don't know why I do this, I consider myself a relatively good person, friend and girlfriend. To some people though, I'm not. Even to him.
You're in life so you can let go of the most important people in your life, it will be hard but in the end it will be for the best. Boyfriends aren't meant for seventeen year old girls who had a hard childhood, and who depend on only themselves to get them through the tough days. But a relationship is for a girl who knows what she wants, who is that man's everything and more.
I promised myself never to settle for less, and yet here I am being disposed of by a guy who I thought would treat me like my Grandpa taught me I should be treated.
I can't say I regret losing him, even though he was a part of me, it was for the best.
Even though nothing will ever replace him or what he had or heal my broken heart, I can always look back on our good times. I'll cry for days wishing it was back to the way it used to be, but at least now I have another trial to get through, another draft in my book of life I need to revise.

Something that made me realize breaking up was my last option for healing a part of my broken heart. Though some of it isn't true, it made me realize he was right, he could do better.

Every time i turn the conversation to something deeper than the weather i can feel you all but shuttin' down.
And when i need an explanation for the silence you just tell me you don't wanna talk about it now.

Bridge: 1
What you're not saying is coming in loud and clear we're at a crossroads here...

Chorus:
If i'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose
If i'm not that arrow to the heart of you
If you don't get drunk on my kiss
If you think you can do better than this then i guess we're done
Let's not drag this on
Consider me gone

Verse 2:
With you i've always been wide open like a window or an ocean. there is nothing i've ever tried to hide.
So when you leave me not knowin' where you're goin' i start thinkin' that we're lookin' we're lookin' at goodbye.

Bridge 2:
How about a strong shot of honesty don't you owe that to me...

Chorus:
If i'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose
If i'm not that arrow to the heart of you
If you don't get drunk on my kiss
If you think you can do better than this then i guess we're done
Let's not drag this on
Consider me gone.

Consider me a memory.
Consider me the past.
Consider me a smile in an old photograph someone who used to make you laugh.

If i'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose
If i'm not that arrow to the heart of you
Then i guess we're done let's not drag this on.
Consider me gone.
Consider me gone.
Consider me gone.
Just consider me gone.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F8wloiDgFx4&feature=related

Lesson Learned?
I don't know the lesson, the only thing I do know is this-
Live your life the way you want to, I held on for as long as I could and loved as hard as I was able to. They can take it or leave it.
Just pray that they'll take you.

To live is to learn

This week has been filled with wonderful learning experiences!
I learned on Monday patience, patience with babies...and crazy drivers who like to change lanes without signaling and then driving under the already slow speed limit.
Patience:
quiet, steady perseverance; even-tempered care; diligence: to work with patience.

Now, after looking this definition up there was another definition given, SOLITAIRE, which is also called patience (who knew), to arrange the cards in a predetermined manner.

The game of solitaire is a simple one person game except when you get stuck in a huge solitaire pickle and you need someone's advice on how to get your cards rearranged. Just as life is, at times.

My life in the past week has been a game of solitaire. I've had to go through a deck of cards just to find the one card I needed to get a free space. Whether it be a financial decision, my future, or what time to wake up. I've ended up in a quite a few "solitaire pickles". My mom's birthday was this week, and last Saturday she got engaged! I really couldn't be any happier for my mom and her fiance. Our life is FINALLY turning around, but, this new income of news has definitely altered my future plans. Should I go to the two new colleges I've fell in love with or stay home so my little sister won't have to switch high schools. I don't see this happy engagement as a burden. Not at all. I see it as an opportunity. A new card to find a new space.
Not only was my week exciting, I'm finally starting to piece together what I want for myself for MY future. Not just what everyone thinks I should do. I'll ask for some advice on where to lay my cards, however, with a touch of my thoughts here and there.
Another great thing that's happened to me...more just pathetic and something everyone loves to hate about high school.
The typical "you ruined my life/night of partying" gag. Of course when you stray away from a certain group because all they are capable of is creating lies, and think they can gain friendships from that. I've chosen to be patient and not only will I find a way out of it I have my guardian angels and my angels here, my family and my true friends. My Grandpa is such a great example for patience, I don't say was because he'll never be gone in my eyes. I've learned so much from him and even more from my own mom. I'm switching cards, placing my card on something better, more benefiting for myself. Laughing at how ridiculous people can be and how sad they'll be when they're 20 and they try to create something out of nothing.

A lesson for everyone:
Patience is a virtue. Living is learning along the way, and solitaire is the best game to take out your troubles on. :)


P.S. Sorry I didn't blog for so long, so many lessons so little time!
xox

"Press Me"

It seems as though every time I or my family have a great life after a great tragedy, God shoves something our way, yet again. It's like he has a button for the Owen family and it goes off whenever things are too good.

I know it may seem weird but, for some odd reason I get this gloomy, nothing-can-help feeling when someone..anyone dies. Nothing makes me happy...absolutely nothing, I'm always spacing out and I can't fully concentrate. I guess you can say I have a keen sense for death...how sad right?
Anyways, last wednesday, the 23rd of August, my grandpa Owen passed away during heart surgery. The day after I had made tons of money to "groove up" Charlie, My mom called me in Wal-Mart when I was buying cd cases for my visors. Literally the second I was walking into Wal-Mart I knew she had news of some sort of death, I freaked out thinking Grandma has. But no, it was Grandpa, I had no idea he went into surgery that day. My brain did an immediate shut down. I circle around Wal-Mart for about twenty minutes trying to find my way to the auto section, never realizing I passed it everytime I turned left. I found my cd cases as I breathe in deeply, shakily trying to save my break down for Charlie's ears. I couldn't stop thinking "why why why why?" I wanted both my Grandma AND Grandpa to see my graduation pictures, my tassle and cap my GOWN. I wanted them both to be at my wedding. My Grandma, bless her heart (no pun intended) has been fighting heart problems for I think, a good six years now. Every year it was "She won't make it past december" but she always kicked her medical problems in the hiney. I thought they both had a good twenty years in them. Of course, hopefully Grandma will. Many people I've talked to told me "it was his turn to share his life with god".
I cried the whole way back from Wal-Mart, it was too soon I was going to visit within 2 months, I wanted one last goodbye another one of his sweet, after-shave-smelling-cologne kisses. But someone up there saw a good time to press that huge, giant, taunting red DESTROY HAPPINESS, NEW CHALLENGE button. THANKS!
Grace and I left for Utah Friday morning thanks to our Uncle Randy who flew us out and got us an early flight. The past week hasn't been the best week. The weekend was one of the hardest ones of my life. Seeing my Grandpa Sunday made it real, he's gone, never coming back. Never coming back into that door to hug me hello. My dad's side of the family (my grandpa is his dad) are all close, and we are all close to both our grandparents. We've all seen eachother's life trials and we have all been there to support eachother. Our whole family cried sunday and monday. I admire my Grandmother for staying so strong while her whole family broke down. She's a solid rock of love and support. Throughout the funeral on Monday, my dad made me realize we have to treat everyone we love and care about as if it was our last time. Because you honestly don't know if it's your last time. I got a little impatient when we went to American Fork to visit, and I now regret feeling like that. Napping instead of socializing because I was up so late chattering with Sher or just enjoying being with my dad.
My grandpa was not one to judge, neither was his wife.
They showed us how to choose wisely and I had never noticed it until this weekend.
He found happiness in every crooke and cranny of life. He shared so much love, and so much happiness for life, you couldn't help my smile when he cried tears of joy when nothing but his family was surrounding him.
I'm taking that as an example for myself.

I'm writing this to show that person up there pressing that Destroy happiness button, they can press it all they want because from now on it isn't working. I won't allow it to work. There is happiness in every trial.
We cannot survive off of happiness alone, we survive off of support, love and caring people in our lives.

Rest in Peace Grandpa, Hope to see you when it's my turn! :)



Inspiring songs:
Live like you were dying-Tim Mcgraw
Unwritten-Natasha Bedingfield
Seasons of Love-Rent (musical)
That's How you Know-Enchanted Soundtrack
Happy ever after-carrie underwood
once in a lifetime-keith urban