Three months and no blogs?! No wonder I've been feeling a little off lately! The past three months have zipped on by faster than a group of nascars at a race. A move to Saratoga, the wedding, a baby shower, graduation, getting four teeth yanked out, another move back home, and now...just trying to survive off of a shot savings account. Rethinking my steps, I realized how fast I was running things and how I never took the time to just calm down and take things one at a time.
I find myself gaining inspiration and motivation from children's books..or movies, it may be the fact that I've taken care of children ever since I was eleven...seven years of babysitting and two years of being a nanny will change your life in ways you wouldn't expect to be changed.
Every movie, every picture book always has the recurring theme..or idea that we should never give up and give everything our very best effort. The classic example of this "easy idea" is Watty Piper's Little Engine that Could, this book was a hit amongst the family (never topped Heckedy Peg). I remember little bits of my childhood where I would find myself chanting the never ending saying, "I think I can, I think I can". Even now that same rhythm of words banded together runs through the back of my head when I feel like I need to give up. We all start at the bottom every few times in our life...that's a lie..we all start at the bottom at least every couple of years in our lives.
My move back home failed, every plan I made, every budget I slaved away at and squeezed money into places that never existed before, was ruined. I moved into a different place, without transportation..thanks to the wonderful planning on my part (joke). I underestimated the time to find a job once my finances went down the toilet, I'd love to thank California's traffic laws...you've really outdone yourself! Anyways, I finally found a job after a month of searching, thirty resumes sent out and approximately 35 applications "on file".. which I have found to be the worst two words to hear, you're either hiring or not! I found myself feeling like a burden on my sister, I hate when people have to help me, and I hate feeling helpless and like I'm always drowning, probably exactly how Piper wanted his engine to feel at the bottom. I'm beginning to learn the true meaning of patience, just like that blue engine.
My first chug up the hill started with a great person coming into my life and boosting my confidence enough to where I wasn't sulking and playing the "woe is me, my life is over" card. My second chug came from my family, always pushing me to go past my limits. You could probably guess by now this is the learning to love portion of the post! Ewan McGregor was right, all you need is love! Of course, I'm not saying I'm using love to get me through all these crappy situations, but it's definitely putting some fuel into my tank to get me to start chugging up my steep hill. I can't expect to get everything together just because I got a job..FINALLY. However, one step can open many, many doors.
For instance, my new job, that I've been praying to get for a while now, allows me to be in the atmosphere that's necessary for my career, I get the great opportunity for better positions and a great "in" with my new school. It's made me less fearful of my future, it's allowed me to budget again (my geeky obsession) and to start planning...all over again. Nobody said chugging up a steep hill would be pretty. I don't think I'll be getting up to the middle anytime soon, but I do think with my amazing new relationship and my new support system from my family, I can get there easier than Little Engine had it.
My next chug? Be with the ones I love the most, allow myself to fall back a little...hoping it'll give me more of a push to go forward, and my last planned step, keep GOING FORWARD.
If you can't get the simple meaning out of this great little book, the easiest one to see is to never allow yourself to look back and regret anything. Our progress is caused by our mistakes, our success keeps us up because it's caused by our fall backs, and our consistent chugging.
When we doubt ourselves, we allow our little engine to fall back further than a mistake would cause us to do so.
My lesson learned from this little life mishap is this: Love the ones that make you happy the most, be with the ones you fear the most, and never let that simple tune leave your head when you're at the bottom. Nobody starts at the top, we all have to start over at some point in our lives and no matter who hard it is, just keep thinking, "I think I can" and take one step at a time.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Monday, April 19, 2010
Mental Gym
My oh my! I have survived another trip back home! I thought for sure this time would be really hard to leave, but it was a lot easier than I expected. It could possibly be due to the fact that I left with a million plans to start off my life there and a positive, upbeat visit. There were a few spats with the sisters, but...what are sisters for? With July coming faster than ever, I'm bracing myself for the next four months. As much as I want to just pack and leave after June, I'm holding back so I can have a month for hanging out and working my tail off to make ends meet.
Utah couldn't be any prettier at this time, it wasn't ever rainy and the sun loved to shine each and every day. My family time was incredible. I felt more and more like I was at home, only making my dreams into a deeper reality.
I met with Paul Mitchell on Friday to work all the kinks out with my acceptance. I'm not as frightened anymore with my financial situation. Admissions defnitely calmed my nerve on that one and I couldn't be any more grateful for having my dad outside waiting for me. The only thing left to do is to get my butt to Utah, with my loads of cash (hopefully) and get to work on my passion.
Every time we go to Utah as a family we come back a little more tighter than we were when we left. I don't know if it's the crazy 13 hour drive there and back (we've driven it aprox. 60 times) or the endless nights of family dinner. Leaving Utah is always heartbreaking for me, I've never really called California my home because I've never felt like I belong here. It's always like I'm doing things backward when I leave. I should be visiting California...not Utah. I argued relentlessly when we first moved here about 5 years ago and I was probably even more stubborn than an old dog. I guess doing things you don't want to do can help you accept that it's happening. Sticking around for a month in the summer is something I'm dreading to do, but if I don't do it, I'll be moving without a plan, and probably too early.
I've believed that my new chapter (after I dumped my ex) would mean never having to deal with stuff I didn't want to deal with, since I dealt with a relationship I didn't even want to be in, I figured life would be easier. I let go of reality for a couple of weeks and when a problem hit me, I freaked out and ran away from it. Only to have it haunt me a few months later.
I spent money all the time, procastinated with college apps and cared more about going out than staying in with family. Now, I've ended up with less than I planned to have right now and staying in seems harder to do.
On the brightside I've become addicted to challenges...I've decided to bulk up on work and buckle down on school. This may make my social life diminish a little bit, but I have to make a sacrafice somewhere! My spring visit to Utah has opened my eyes to let go of things and do a few things you don't want to do...even if it's painful to do so. I can't expect to get stronger if I don't even ball up and do the hard things in life. My challenges and unwanted tasks are my gym...if I put my mind to it I can build up enough "muscle" and reach my goal by the time July 14th rolls around. Hopefully no personal trainer will be needed :)
Utah couldn't be any prettier at this time, it wasn't ever rainy and the sun loved to shine each and every day. My family time was incredible. I felt more and more like I was at home, only making my dreams into a deeper reality.
I met with Paul Mitchell on Friday to work all the kinks out with my acceptance. I'm not as frightened anymore with my financial situation. Admissions defnitely calmed my nerve on that one and I couldn't be any more grateful for having my dad outside waiting for me. The only thing left to do is to get my butt to Utah, with my loads of cash (hopefully) and get to work on my passion.
Every time we go to Utah as a family we come back a little more tighter than we were when we left. I don't know if it's the crazy 13 hour drive there and back (we've driven it aprox. 60 times) or the endless nights of family dinner. Leaving Utah is always heartbreaking for me, I've never really called California my home because I've never felt like I belong here. It's always like I'm doing things backward when I leave. I should be visiting California...not Utah. I argued relentlessly when we first moved here about 5 years ago and I was probably even more stubborn than an old dog. I guess doing things you don't want to do can help you accept that it's happening. Sticking around for a month in the summer is something I'm dreading to do, but if I don't do it, I'll be moving without a plan, and probably too early.
I've believed that my new chapter (after I dumped my ex) would mean never having to deal with stuff I didn't want to deal with, since I dealt with a relationship I didn't even want to be in, I figured life would be easier. I let go of reality for a couple of weeks and when a problem hit me, I freaked out and ran away from it. Only to have it haunt me a few months later.
I spent money all the time, procastinated with college apps and cared more about going out than staying in with family. Now, I've ended up with less than I planned to have right now and staying in seems harder to do.
On the brightside I've become addicted to challenges...I've decided to bulk up on work and buckle down on school. This may make my social life diminish a little bit, but I have to make a sacrafice somewhere! My spring visit to Utah has opened my eyes to let go of things and do a few things you don't want to do...even if it's painful to do so. I can't expect to get stronger if I don't even ball up and do the hard things in life. My challenges and unwanted tasks are my gym...if I put my mind to it I can build up enough "muscle" and reach my goal by the time July 14th rolls around. Hopefully no personal trainer will be needed :)
Friday, April 9, 2010
The Dark Cloud
To change up my writing style I've decided to start out with two definitions:
Appreciation:gratitude; thankful recognition.
Gratitude:thankfulness, or appreciation is a positive emotion or attitude in acknowledgment of a benefit that one has received or will receive.
I never took the time to realize that these two words need eachother to exist. What is gratitude when you can't appreciate something? Why appreciate if you aren't grateful? It's pointless. It's like having a hamburger with no meat. Since my last post I've been noticing the small things that have been coming my way. Like my employer asking me to stay 30 more minutes, or my employer thanking me for staying with her until her husband got home. She appreciates my help and she's grateful for having me around just as a friend. What more can a nanny ask for?
I nanny for two wonderful families, one family is in my church, I babysat there daughter when we first moved to california and now I sit for their daughter and their son once a week-and whenever they need me-they're angels. Most people have a job that they don't like going to, they dread going to work, they can't stand the environment and escape to their house or somewhere else for a safe haven. Not me. I escape to my job for my safe haven, my one place to forget about reality. I'm appreciative of this opportunity-despite the commute-and so grateful to be blessed with the best families. The family I nanny for the most consists of a couple and their son, I've known them for almost a year now and I've seen their little boy sprout into the cutest one-year old there is, no offense to any mother's out there. I never really realized that I depend on working for an escape from reality until recently. It wasn't the worst day, but it seemed as though I had a pitch black, stormy, dense cloud following above my head. Granted, I turned on my beloved country music and the sunny spring day drove that ugly thing away, but it returned...frequently.
I've been sick this past week, and did I mention I had mounds of schoolwork, just building up? Anyways, my sickness decided to take my energy away from me and completely...well...piss me off. I was rude, to everyone, snapping and judging. Not myself, I would say. That dark cloud that followed me around was just beginning to form and that nasty bacteria inside me enjoyed every minute of it.
I take sign language in school and my teacher is amazing. She allowed the level threes to song sign along with the level twos (we were esctatic) I picked out my favorite song, They Don't Care About Us-Michael Jackson and got to work. I interpreted the entire song, changing the english into ASL word form and set it aside to memorize...only the nasty bacterium army shot down my nervous system and my hands couldn't take the intensity of fast pace of the song. I knew I could sign this, that's why I picked it! The same day the dark monstrous cloud-similiar to the one on Lost...if any of you watch that-was also the day I decided to cram everything I possibly could into a three hour time window...you can probably guess what happened.
A lot of things were thrown...hair was lost (not really), my room is probably terrified with me and I've consumed more dog hair than ever...only because I had to cuddle up to Max for comfort. Tears of frustration and anxiety, fear that I would fail every class and graduate dumped out...all over my bedroom floor, like a big rain puddle after a big, very big storm.
Amazingly I made it to work, with many breathing techniques and VERY loud country in my Charlie, I calmed down and braced myself for the best outing of the week. Baby is very sweet, he's walking and I love to watch babies walk and explore. We walk around a lot in San Carlos, lay out in the sun and play at the park-my job is satisfying-my "boss" is so personable, you can only let loose and tell all with her.
My job is probably nanny paradise-another thing I appreciate. It pains me to think that I'll be leaving this adorable and wonderful family in a matter of months, I'm not ready to stop spending a few hours with them, I'm not prepared to give up my safe haven and surrender to reality.
My outing with Baby was the best. I relaxed, thought about nothing (as I vowed to do in my previous post) and allowed the beautfil spring day to take over my mind. I didn't plan anything, I didn't map out our activities, I turned whenever it felt like we should and we ended up at a middle school and there were dogs running free and Baby just squealed with excitement. I hesitated at first, images of Baby getting knocked over by these crazy pups and scraping his fragile skin. A little nudge from above told me it was okay to let him explore with the pups. And I did. Shocked. One dog came to Baby and I and nudged me first, I pet him and showed Baby how to pet him, the puppy adored Baby and plopped down next to him, his oversized, pink floppy tongue hung out to the side, as if he had a large pink ribbon draped down the side of his face. Baby laughed and giggled and tried to touch this new toy. The pup just rolled over and allowed us to pet his tummy. Defeat. The dark cloud moved onto a new territory to torment. It left me for a total of two hours.
I got home and decided to practice my song a little more, failure. My hands froze, my fingers didn't want to sign. Frustration flowed out my mouth, my hands and my "funny toes". "WHY DID I PICK THIS SONG?!" I took our pooch for a walk and since it was dark out I allowed myself to sign along with my song. Success. The night sky blessed me with the return of my skill. I flowed right through my song, realizing I should memorize the lyrics first and then work on the signs. I did the dishes, singing the song for a total of about 30 minutes (that's about 9 times). Mission complete. I signed my song next, SUCCESS again. I was overcome with excitement and happiness that all of my troubles from before dissolved and allowed my mind to wander in my meadow before I drifted off to sleep (about an hour after I lied to actually "sleep"). I woke up just on time, got to my first period-if I'm late again I'm dropped...lame-with 10 minutes to spare and my tests flew by with ease.
Overcoming a hard week, or prevailing in the war of a dark cloud is hard to do if you're constantly playing the pity me game. Erase the phrase and start to appreciate your surroundings, be grateful for what you do have, and what you ARE able to accomplish. How do you expect to succeed when you have no appreciation or gratitude for what you already have?
Appreciate anything you can, thank anyone who helps you...even if it's a thank you wave on the freeway. You will feel a little bit brighter, I promise.
I'd liked to know if my suggestion work so let me know via comments :)
Appreciation:gratitude; thankful recognition.
Gratitude:thankfulness, or appreciation is a positive emotion or attitude in acknowledgment of a benefit that one has received or will receive.
I never took the time to realize that these two words need eachother to exist. What is gratitude when you can't appreciate something? Why appreciate if you aren't grateful? It's pointless. It's like having a hamburger with no meat. Since my last post I've been noticing the small things that have been coming my way. Like my employer asking me to stay 30 more minutes, or my employer thanking me for staying with her until her husband got home. She appreciates my help and she's grateful for having me around just as a friend. What more can a nanny ask for?
I nanny for two wonderful families, one family is in my church, I babysat there daughter when we first moved to california and now I sit for their daughter and their son once a week-and whenever they need me-they're angels. Most people have a job that they don't like going to, they dread going to work, they can't stand the environment and escape to their house or somewhere else for a safe haven. Not me. I escape to my job for my safe haven, my one place to forget about reality. I'm appreciative of this opportunity-despite the commute-and so grateful to be blessed with the best families. The family I nanny for the most consists of a couple and their son, I've known them for almost a year now and I've seen their little boy sprout into the cutest one-year old there is, no offense to any mother's out there. I never really realized that I depend on working for an escape from reality until recently. It wasn't the worst day, but it seemed as though I had a pitch black, stormy, dense cloud following above my head. Granted, I turned on my beloved country music and the sunny spring day drove that ugly thing away, but it returned...frequently.
I've been sick this past week, and did I mention I had mounds of schoolwork, just building up? Anyways, my sickness decided to take my energy away from me and completely...well...piss me off. I was rude, to everyone, snapping and judging. Not myself, I would say. That dark cloud that followed me around was just beginning to form and that nasty bacteria inside me enjoyed every minute of it.
I take sign language in school and my teacher is amazing. She allowed the level threes to song sign along with the level twos (we were esctatic) I picked out my favorite song, They Don't Care About Us-Michael Jackson and got to work. I interpreted the entire song, changing the english into ASL word form and set it aside to memorize...only the nasty bacterium army shot down my nervous system and my hands couldn't take the intensity of fast pace of the song. I knew I could sign this, that's why I picked it! The same day the dark monstrous cloud-similiar to the one on Lost...if any of you watch that-was also the day I decided to cram everything I possibly could into a three hour time window...you can probably guess what happened.
A lot of things were thrown...hair was lost (not really), my room is probably terrified with me and I've consumed more dog hair than ever...only because I had to cuddle up to Max for comfort. Tears of frustration and anxiety, fear that I would fail every class and graduate dumped out...all over my bedroom floor, like a big rain puddle after a big, very big storm.
Amazingly I made it to work, with many breathing techniques and VERY loud country in my Charlie, I calmed down and braced myself for the best outing of the week. Baby is very sweet, he's walking and I love to watch babies walk and explore. We walk around a lot in San Carlos, lay out in the sun and play at the park-my job is satisfying-my "boss" is so personable, you can only let loose and tell all with her.
My job is probably nanny paradise-another thing I appreciate. It pains me to think that I'll be leaving this adorable and wonderful family in a matter of months, I'm not ready to stop spending a few hours with them, I'm not prepared to give up my safe haven and surrender to reality.
My outing with Baby was the best. I relaxed, thought about nothing (as I vowed to do in my previous post) and allowed the beautfil spring day to take over my mind. I didn't plan anything, I didn't map out our activities, I turned whenever it felt like we should and we ended up at a middle school and there were dogs running free and Baby just squealed with excitement. I hesitated at first, images of Baby getting knocked over by these crazy pups and scraping his fragile skin. A little nudge from above told me it was okay to let him explore with the pups. And I did. Shocked. One dog came to Baby and I and nudged me first, I pet him and showed Baby how to pet him, the puppy adored Baby and plopped down next to him, his oversized, pink floppy tongue hung out to the side, as if he had a large pink ribbon draped down the side of his face. Baby laughed and giggled and tried to touch this new toy. The pup just rolled over and allowed us to pet his tummy. Defeat. The dark cloud moved onto a new territory to torment. It left me for a total of two hours.
I got home and decided to practice my song a little more, failure. My hands froze, my fingers didn't want to sign. Frustration flowed out my mouth, my hands and my "funny toes". "WHY DID I PICK THIS SONG?!" I took our pooch for a walk and since it was dark out I allowed myself to sign along with my song. Success. The night sky blessed me with the return of my skill. I flowed right through my song, realizing I should memorize the lyrics first and then work on the signs. I did the dishes, singing the song for a total of about 30 minutes (that's about 9 times). Mission complete. I signed my song next, SUCCESS again. I was overcome with excitement and happiness that all of my troubles from before dissolved and allowed my mind to wander in my meadow before I drifted off to sleep (about an hour after I lied to actually "sleep"). I woke up just on time, got to my first period-if I'm late again I'm dropped...lame-with 10 minutes to spare and my tests flew by with ease.
Overcoming a hard week, or prevailing in the war of a dark cloud is hard to do if you're constantly playing the pity me game. Erase the phrase and start to appreciate your surroundings, be grateful for what you do have, and what you ARE able to accomplish. How do you expect to succeed when you have no appreciation or gratitude for what you already have?
Appreciate anything you can, thank anyone who helps you...even if it's a thank you wave on the freeway. You will feel a little bit brighter, I promise.
I'd liked to know if my suggestion work so let me know via comments :)
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Living Out Loud
Things happen every day: deaths, births, divorce, marriage, success. Anyone will say that "life is too short" to allow negative to enter into their personal lives, my personal opinion is that saying "life is too short" is negative...so basically they've already allowed negativity to enter into their life. I'd rather think life is too much fun and fun makes time move faster, if that makes any sense at all. Changes in the family are dropping like bombs. Pregnancy, engagements, college acceptances, planning, moving, and a wedding. It comes at us really fast, but I think that we're handling everything a lot better than most families like mine would. Some may say that we're a broken family-since half of us live in Utah, there has been drama between every daughter/son/sibling. We've pulled ourselves out of a lot of "sticky situations" and surprisingly we haven't broken yet. I would say we're pretty tight-knit, strong family and it's hard to get in between our bonds of steel.
Among all of these spring happenings, however, I've forgotten all about my plans for financing my dream. It's not that I'm being irresponsibly, I think I'm choosing to have as much fun as possible to avoid stress build-up. The one thing I cannot handle well is stress.
Stress: physical, mental, or emotional strain or tension. The four words I can't bare to hear in a conversation. With graduation coming up and my acceptance to my number one college-I've been slacking off on my school work (no particular reason right?) and I'm just beginning to realize how much stress I'm putting on myself. So instead of doing my work I decide to rid myself of these thoughts...and tasks. I take a walk, shower, write etc. Anything but that stressful work is fine by me. Of course, this means I've been spending more money. Money that I should be saving for a car and two school's tuition. You can see how much stress there is already. What to do, where to go etc. I'm beginning to worry that I might not be able to afford my cosmetology school to begin with! My trip to Utah will hopefully shed some light on a new job, and a great plan for me to get up the money to buy a car and pay for my first payment of tuition at Paul Mitchell.
People here in Palo Alto, I think, are addicted to stress. My mom has the perfect case of this sickness. She's always outdoing herself (in a good way), but, this makes her freak out sometimes, breakdown and what not. I'm learning from Palo Alto-inians that less is more. Life IS too short to be adding more time you don't have to your schedules, whatever happened to just enjoying the nighttime sky for fifteen minutes? Or daydreaming for a few minutes...or hours in class?! Living isn't for constantly doing something, it's for your own enjoyment right?
Living out Loud...it's hard to do, to live with no regrets, more laughter and more tears than there are hours in a day. I don't like eating more than my stomach can handle, allowing myself to do more tasks than my brain can handle. I'm making a personal pact to take things easy until Graduation. The only way to be stress free is to allow yourself to make time to just breathe, think about nothing for a few moments. Meet someone you'd never be inclined to talk to. I always that living your life to the fullest meant you're never home. No, it just means enjoy your life how it is, if you think it's dull spice it up a little. You can live life to the fullest by just enjoying your surroundings. I enjoy how my life is right now, I want more things than I can have and hopefully by the time June rolls around I'll slowly be working my way towards owning those things. Until then, I'm going to start enjoying my life, rather than doing something that just bores me to tears.
Among all of these spring happenings, however, I've forgotten all about my plans for financing my dream. It's not that I'm being irresponsibly, I think I'm choosing to have as much fun as possible to avoid stress build-up. The one thing I cannot handle well is stress.
Stress: physical, mental, or emotional strain or tension. The four words I can't bare to hear in a conversation. With graduation coming up and my acceptance to my number one college-I've been slacking off on my school work (no particular reason right?) and I'm just beginning to realize how much stress I'm putting on myself. So instead of doing my work I decide to rid myself of these thoughts...and tasks. I take a walk, shower, write etc. Anything but that stressful work is fine by me. Of course, this means I've been spending more money. Money that I should be saving for a car and two school's tuition. You can see how much stress there is already. What to do, where to go etc. I'm beginning to worry that I might not be able to afford my cosmetology school to begin with! My trip to Utah will hopefully shed some light on a new job, and a great plan for me to get up the money to buy a car and pay for my first payment of tuition at Paul Mitchell.
People here in Palo Alto, I think, are addicted to stress. My mom has the perfect case of this sickness. She's always outdoing herself (in a good way), but, this makes her freak out sometimes, breakdown and what not. I'm learning from Palo Alto-inians that less is more. Life IS too short to be adding more time you don't have to your schedules, whatever happened to just enjoying the nighttime sky for fifteen minutes? Or daydreaming for a few minutes...or hours in class?! Living isn't for constantly doing something, it's for your own enjoyment right?
Living out Loud...it's hard to do, to live with no regrets, more laughter and more tears than there are hours in a day. I don't like eating more than my stomach can handle, allowing myself to do more tasks than my brain can handle. I'm making a personal pact to take things easy until Graduation. The only way to be stress free is to allow yourself to make time to just breathe, think about nothing for a few moments. Meet someone you'd never be inclined to talk to. I always that living your life to the fullest meant you're never home. No, it just means enjoy your life how it is, if you think it's dull spice it up a little. You can live life to the fullest by just enjoying your surroundings. I enjoy how my life is right now, I want more things than I can have and hopefully by the time June rolls around I'll slowly be working my way towards owning those things. Until then, I'm going to start enjoying my life, rather than doing something that just bores me to tears.
Friday, March 26, 2010
The Giggle Massacre
Six months ago you would never be able to tell that my shape comes from my entertainment. I had no shape as of six months ago to be honest-bad relationships will do that to a girl. It is my five month-a-versary that I have been "keeping fit" by my multiple attacks of giggling. I never realized how great life was until I was alone and realizing I had been treated like trash for the past year. Liberating yourself is the key to happiness, but, one can never forget the intense outcomes a crush can have on someone's laugh intake.
It was one month to date that this guy decided to approach me. I had confessed my intense crush on him to my step-father (official in May) and annoyed him to get him to agree on a date. It never happened and I allowed my crush to dwindle--I never lost it though--and I realized that if he won't have me then he's missing out on one special girl, words from the wise? It's ironic because I met him when I was dating my loser ex, harsh but true, about a week before I flew off to Central America for a two week trip. I had my eye on him when we exchanged hellos. Even though my hello was a little hushed and muffled from the pool water being splashed in my face and my wonderful cousins wanting to swim with me some more. It was quick, but I knew for a fact this introduction wasn't to be a ''one night stand'' introduction. I was right, he was close to my step-brother, Dylan and it seemed as if they were inseparable over the course of the summer. Another run in with this McSteamy was around 9 am. A stupid and immature fight with that one of a kind little boy I was seeing left me in my over-sized D.A.R.E shirt, and my very very short P.J bottoms--what is a girl to do after a fight with a boy?!--I was awakened at 7am by the truck rumbling to life and hearing voices and things being thrown into the bed. I thought it was the gardeners...boy was I wrong. After dozing off for two hours I'm awakened again by my mother, step-brother and McSteamy. I drag my feet out of bed, contact-less...blind as a bat and my hair piled on top of my head...probably makeup smeared all over my face? I don't recall.
"GOOD MORNING MEREY MISS!" my overly chirpy mother adores this phrase early in the morning.
"Hi." as I walk to the fridge to scope out my breakfast my eyes widen as I saw the two tall men standing at my counter.
"Oh..hi guys" My attire couldn't be worst I thought. Many arguments with my boyfriend at the time shot through my head "YOU WORE THOSE AROUND HIM?! HOW COULD YOU?!" I pushed them away and coming up empty handed with food I grumble over to the computer hutch sit on the ground and read the texts he sent me last night.
I eye a nectarine and go in for the kill...maybe if I'm fast enough they won't catch my appearance. Dead wrong. Again. My mother decides to force me into conversation, I'm more than positive they thought I was glaring at them since I had to squint to see my opponents. I give them rude short answers to each question, each topic and I pretend to be engaged in the conversation as I eat my nectarine and check my phone--I was such a guy that day.
I knew from that moment that I admired McSteamy's presence and I enjoyed having him around, even though I was a complete stuck-up brat.
A few more run-ins popped up throughout my relationship with the "little boy" and a crush had secretly developed in my brain. Knowing that my relationship was a dud 3 months prior to the break up I started to think about my options and possible admirers. Yes, "McSteamy" came through my head a couple of these times. Finally after I became single I annoyed my step-father and told him that he has to fix this thing up. I wouldn't say he failed because McSteamy did come around. Of course weeks before he leaves for two years, but he still chased after me. Throughout our communications I don't think there was a dry eye and I realized a good friendship was forming, he held the giggle massacre, and it hasn't even stopped despite his absence.
I've been noticing how much better life has gotten for me, how this guy who appeared in my life, my plans for post-graduation are getting clearer as the days pass and the fact that my whole family is finally united in some way or another.
You need a giggle massacre, led by some cute guy who will be gone before you know it, physically gone...hopefully whoever gives you this great defeat will remain close and a good friend. My giggling has brought me to the conclusion that life isn't about how much money I should be making, where I rank with friends. My friends should all be equally ranked, my money will come and go but my smiles, my laughs, and my giggle massacres are what will glue me back together when I feel broken.
It's never too late to get started on making yourself happier. Maybe developing a crush can start you off to a never ending, high carb-causality, giggle massacre.
Enjoy!
It was one month to date that this guy decided to approach me. I had confessed my intense crush on him to my step-father (official in May) and annoyed him to get him to agree on a date. It never happened and I allowed my crush to dwindle--I never lost it though--and I realized that if he won't have me then he's missing out on one special girl, words from the wise? It's ironic because I met him when I was dating my loser ex, harsh but true, about a week before I flew off to Central America for a two week trip. I had my eye on him when we exchanged hellos. Even though my hello was a little hushed and muffled from the pool water being splashed in my face and my wonderful cousins wanting to swim with me some more. It was quick, but I knew for a fact this introduction wasn't to be a ''one night stand'' introduction. I was right, he was close to my step-brother, Dylan and it seemed as if they were inseparable over the course of the summer. Another run in with this McSteamy was around 9 am. A stupid and immature fight with that one of a kind little boy I was seeing left me in my over-sized D.A.R.E shirt, and my very very short P.J bottoms--what is a girl to do after a fight with a boy?!--I was awakened at 7am by the truck rumbling to life and hearing voices and things being thrown into the bed. I thought it was the gardeners...boy was I wrong. After dozing off for two hours I'm awakened again by my mother, step-brother and McSteamy. I drag my feet out of bed, contact-less...blind as a bat and my hair piled on top of my head...probably makeup smeared all over my face? I don't recall.
"GOOD MORNING MEREY MISS!" my overly chirpy mother adores this phrase early in the morning.
"Hi." as I walk to the fridge to scope out my breakfast my eyes widen as I saw the two tall men standing at my counter.
"Oh..hi guys" My attire couldn't be worst I thought. Many arguments with my boyfriend at the time shot through my head "YOU WORE THOSE AROUND HIM?! HOW COULD YOU?!" I pushed them away and coming up empty handed with food I grumble over to the computer hutch sit on the ground and read the texts he sent me last night.
I eye a nectarine and go in for the kill...maybe if I'm fast enough they won't catch my appearance. Dead wrong. Again. My mother decides to force me into conversation, I'm more than positive they thought I was glaring at them since I had to squint to see my opponents. I give them rude short answers to each question, each topic and I pretend to be engaged in the conversation as I eat my nectarine and check my phone--I was such a guy that day.
I knew from that moment that I admired McSteamy's presence and I enjoyed having him around, even though I was a complete stuck-up brat.
A few more run-ins popped up throughout my relationship with the "little boy" and a crush had secretly developed in my brain. Knowing that my relationship was a dud 3 months prior to the break up I started to think about my options and possible admirers. Yes, "McSteamy" came through my head a couple of these times. Finally after I became single I annoyed my step-father and told him that he has to fix this thing up. I wouldn't say he failed because McSteamy did come around. Of course weeks before he leaves for two years, but he still chased after me. Throughout our communications I don't think there was a dry eye and I realized a good friendship was forming, he held the giggle massacre, and it hasn't even stopped despite his absence.
I've been noticing how much better life has gotten for me, how this guy who appeared in my life, my plans for post-graduation are getting clearer as the days pass and the fact that my whole family is finally united in some way or another.
You need a giggle massacre, led by some cute guy who will be gone before you know it, physically gone...hopefully whoever gives you this great defeat will remain close and a good friend. My giggling has brought me to the conclusion that life isn't about how much money I should be making, where I rank with friends. My friends should all be equally ranked, my money will come and go but my smiles, my laughs, and my giggle massacres are what will glue me back together when I feel broken.
It's never too late to get started on making yourself happier. Maybe developing a crush can start you off to a never ending, high carb-causality, giggle massacre.
Enjoy!
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Houston We Have a Problem. 1/21
It is NASA's biggest fear when they hear these five frightful words. Panic mode sets in and in those minutes-prayers are uttered, hope is loss and submission occurs everywhere. Just like a NASA space mission, we all have our code reds in life.
It's funny how life can change so quickly right in front of you. One minute you're laughing at how funny your young dad is, the next you're stressing out about money and your five year plan. Never having to worry is one of the biggest things I miss most about being a kid. I remember constantly wishing ot be 16 and the ability to go out on dates and drive. Now, my constant wish is to go back to Apple Hollow Cove and play night games with my old friends. I'm more than ready to be out on my own-the only thing holding me back is not being under the direct care of my parents-even though I barely admit it. I would kill for another day being ten and going out with my dad for a personal day with him along with getting my haircut and playing video games at the same time (geeky, I know). I miss being innocent and worry-free. It seems as though every time I strive to be successful there's always that one thing that will get in my way.
Charlie decided to break down and as in my last blog, I received a generous offer from my step-dad-to-be. My job allows me to pay back in full by February, I was on a roll with the payment schedule until friends and irresistibly fun nights got the best of me. Now my accounts are looking a little blue and my goal to 4G by June is going down the drain. I guess you can never really have control over what happens, you can just have an influence. I have come to the forlorn conclusion that a third job will answer my prayers.
We can always be worry-free in our own ways. For example-I'm not concerned about a boy getting in my way because I've removed the chance of being swooned and charmed and locked it up for the next five years. My version of night-games is homework and sleep-I'll become carefree in my dreams, where life's problems are in MY control.
The point for my preaching is that you can't allow yourself to succumb to these evil worries adult life decides to batter us with. Become worry's worst nightmare and kick him where it hurts. Show that ex of yours that they aren't worth even half of a milli-second of your lovely time. Show your retched boss that you CAN eat nails for breakfast-capture their expression once the imp9ossible has been done. Every rocket ship has it's failure, but have you ever heard of that rocket ship giving up? I haven't. Not yet.
Lesson Learned:
Love the ones who try to ruin your day, week, or life. Why? Because in the end when they come to YOU for help; you can tell 'em to kiss you sweet little hiney GOODBYE. Then you'll know they finally learned their lesson and you succeeded :)
It's funny how life can change so quickly right in front of you. One minute you're laughing at how funny your young dad is, the next you're stressing out about money and your five year plan. Never having to worry is one of the biggest things I miss most about being a kid. I remember constantly wishing ot be 16 and the ability to go out on dates and drive. Now, my constant wish is to go back to Apple Hollow Cove and play night games with my old friends. I'm more than ready to be out on my own-the only thing holding me back is not being under the direct care of my parents-even though I barely admit it. I would kill for another day being ten and going out with my dad for a personal day with him along with getting my haircut and playing video games at the same time (geeky, I know). I miss being innocent and worry-free. It seems as though every time I strive to be successful there's always that one thing that will get in my way.
Charlie decided to break down and as in my last blog, I received a generous offer from my step-dad-to-be. My job allows me to pay back in full by February, I was on a roll with the payment schedule until friends and irresistibly fun nights got the best of me. Now my accounts are looking a little blue and my goal to 4G by June is going down the drain. I guess you can never really have control over what happens, you can just have an influence. I have come to the forlorn conclusion that a third job will answer my prayers.
We can always be worry-free in our own ways. For example-I'm not concerned about a boy getting in my way because I've removed the chance of being swooned and charmed and locked it up for the next five years. My version of night-games is homework and sleep-I'll become carefree in my dreams, where life's problems are in MY control.
The point for my preaching is that you can't allow yourself to succumb to these evil worries adult life decides to batter us with. Become worry's worst nightmare and kick him where it hurts. Show that ex of yours that they aren't worth even half of a milli-second of your lovely time. Show your retched boss that you CAN eat nails for breakfast-capture their expression once the imp9ossible has been done. Every rocket ship has it's failure, but have you ever heard of that rocket ship giving up? I haven't. Not yet.
Lesson Learned:
Love the ones who try to ruin your day, week, or life. Why? Because in the end when they come to YOU for help; you can tell 'em to kiss you sweet little hiney GOODBYE. Then you'll know they finally learned their lesson and you succeeded :)
A Child's Gift-1/18
As I sit at the park with Baby I see all types of children, parents and people. Excitement is in the air even though Baby is asleep and I'm left without a partner to celebrate. I plug in my music and observe the day. There is one little boy who catches my eye, the little blond haired child who is going around asking every kid their name and if they'd like to play with him. I smile to myself as I think about how my childhood play-dates were way back when.
When I was about four, my little family and I lived in the "duck" apartments in Holladay Utah where I had a deaf best friend-Courtney who lived in the building. We both had a disability, I couldn't speak and she couldn't hear very well(only with the help of hearing aids)-we understood each other perfectly, yes a four year old can understand hardships they aren't aliens! Courtney stood up for me when our brothers and neighborhood kids would mimic the way I spoke. In return I stood up for her any way I could when they would make her do crazy things, like walk in the snow...barefoot.
Her older brother told her walking in the snow as cool and she had to do it if we ever wanted to see our Chelsea barbies ever again. I tried to yell at him but he just laughed and shoved me aside-That was it for me, he pushed my red button too many times to let this one slide. I wasn't going to stand for this anymore. Courtney-crying, took off her boots as well as her hearing aids (I still get why she did it) she tucked her socks and her aids into her boots, I was quick to follow her as her brother started to get angry that I was following along. We began to walk to the apartment in the three-foot high freezing cold snow. I stuck my hands into the icy snow to show her jerk of a brother just how "cool" it was. I rolled up a ball and hurled it at him yelling every mean word my four-year-old mind ever knew. Court followed my example and we sent him running away to find our barbies. He was never rude to us again and we always invited him to play with us...just for fun. This wasn't the only incident we encountered together, we got sand thrown at us in the apartment playground and names yelled at us constantly. We befriended each of our bullies and showed them we weren't stupid and dumb like they assumed we were. Courtney moved away before my mother remarried and we moved shortly after her departure. I'll never forget my play-dates with her and how much carefree fun we had invented for ourselves.
Just like this little boy at the park I realize that without humility and kindness no one can truly be considered a good person. It is one of my many new years resolutions to embrace this theory of life and see how far it gets me in my few months left in high school. You can only hope for the best in life, but, in order for hopes to become dreams and for dreams to become reality there must be some selfless acts. Give to people not to benefit yourself but solely to receive a smile and anew friend. Go the park and relive your childhood life, in the end memories are all we have.
Lesson Learned:
We all have to act like a four-year-old sometimes to become better people.
When I was about four, my little family and I lived in the "duck" apartments in Holladay Utah where I had a deaf best friend-Courtney who lived in the building. We both had a disability, I couldn't speak and she couldn't hear very well(only with the help of hearing aids)-we understood each other perfectly, yes a four year old can understand hardships they aren't aliens! Courtney stood up for me when our brothers and neighborhood kids would mimic the way I spoke. In return I stood up for her any way I could when they would make her do crazy things, like walk in the snow...barefoot.
Her older brother told her walking in the snow as cool and she had to do it if we ever wanted to see our Chelsea barbies ever again. I tried to yell at him but he just laughed and shoved me aside-That was it for me, he pushed my red button too many times to let this one slide. I wasn't going to stand for this anymore. Courtney-crying, took off her boots as well as her hearing aids (I still get why she did it) she tucked her socks and her aids into her boots, I was quick to follow her as her brother started to get angry that I was following along. We began to walk to the apartment in the three-foot high freezing cold snow. I stuck my hands into the icy snow to show her jerk of a brother just how "cool" it was. I rolled up a ball and hurled it at him yelling every mean word my four-year-old mind ever knew. Court followed my example and we sent him running away to find our barbies. He was never rude to us again and we always invited him to play with us...just for fun. This wasn't the only incident we encountered together, we got sand thrown at us in the apartment playground and names yelled at us constantly. We befriended each of our bullies and showed them we weren't stupid and dumb like they assumed we were. Courtney moved away before my mother remarried and we moved shortly after her departure. I'll never forget my play-dates with her and how much carefree fun we had invented for ourselves.
Just like this little boy at the park I realize that without humility and kindness no one can truly be considered a good person. It is one of my many new years resolutions to embrace this theory of life and see how far it gets me in my few months left in high school. You can only hope for the best in life, but, in order for hopes to become dreams and for dreams to become reality there must be some selfless acts. Give to people not to benefit yourself but solely to receive a smile and anew friend. Go the park and relive your childhood life, in the end memories are all we have.
Lesson Learned:
We all have to act like a four-year-old sometimes to become better people.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Resolve
The gloom shines into my room as I wake up to January 1, 2010. My friend is still asleep and I feel tired and annoyed, and I don't even know why. I thought that my waking up to a new year would be bright and full of exciting little events, boy was I wrong. We wake up and eat some eggs, watch some Seinfeld as we munch on Frosted Flakes reminiscing about our successful new years eve. Rewinding a few days back my faithful Charlie broke down-hundreds to fix and no money to fix it with. My mother decides she wants to offer help. Help...what a great word, giving someone something that they can't attain on their own-a good deed, a priceless offer. Not here. In order to receive this lifesaving "helpful" offer I must first do the one thing I swore I would never do. Every time I try to speak about it, I'm starting a fight and being demanding. I try to breathe and think about what the mature approach is without boiling over. I try and fail. She just won't listen to what I have to say. Maybe because she can't allow herself to think that I would do something like this-the daughter who was her puppet for so long, the daughter who had her back, the one who would obey her every word, the one she depended on for favors. It's hard to let someone know that you're not the person they want you to be. You can't be that person, it's too difficult and it's like watching someone else live your life. It's not you, you itch to be your true self. Only to realize that change comes with a price. You can either be accepted by your loved ones, or harshly rejected. Sadly the price I'm paying is a harsh slap in the face, after spilling out my true feelings of being unappreciated, a burden and altogether just a body in a house. I get the confirmation I feared. She doesn't deny it all she says is "So it's my fault". Blood boiling and tears flowing I try again, same response. I'm thinking to myself "come on, just see it from my perspective". Unfortunately for someone who's been through too much in their life they decide to rule out your feelings and make them their own. Accepting defeat she decides to grab my car which has now been fixed (but I can't have it) and unsafely drive it to Saratoga.
I'm prepared for the new family to judge and to hear her side of the story and her only way of getting sympathy is to put the world on her shoulders when in reality, the world is too busy jumping on others backs, so she just paints the picture that it's there.
I'm not a bad daughter-I don't disobey deliberately and when I do it's always something small. There's so many rules to follow it's hard to obey every single one. Especially when it involves a personal decision that only YOU will make. Yes, everything is a personal choice, but the majority of the time it affects other people. The choice I made affects only me. But sadly, she'll never be able to accept the fact that this is beyond her control. I tried my hardest to make her see the light, but you can't push free will. So here i am letting go, maybe just maybe she'll want to understand.
Writing this pessimistic blog makes me think about the spot removing spray "Resolve" no matter how much you spray onto a huge messy stain, there will always be a little spot left, it'll go away on it's own or maybe you need to spray it a little more and you'll resolve your huge messy stain saga :)
Lesson learned:
The only way you can resolve a problem like this is to try your best and if your best isn't good enough, maybe that person doesn't want to accept your best. So let it go-they are who they are, they are never going to change so don't hope for the one day they will because it is never going to come. Accept defeat every now and then maybe it'll be worth it, maybe it won't. But life will go on!
I'm prepared for the new family to judge and to hear her side of the story and her only way of getting sympathy is to put the world on her shoulders when in reality, the world is too busy jumping on others backs, so she just paints the picture that it's there.
I'm not a bad daughter-I don't disobey deliberately and when I do it's always something small. There's so many rules to follow it's hard to obey every single one. Especially when it involves a personal decision that only YOU will make. Yes, everything is a personal choice, but the majority of the time it affects other people. The choice I made affects only me. But sadly, she'll never be able to accept the fact that this is beyond her control. I tried my hardest to make her see the light, but you can't push free will. So here i am letting go, maybe just maybe she'll want to understand.
Writing this pessimistic blog makes me think about the spot removing spray "Resolve" no matter how much you spray onto a huge messy stain, there will always be a little spot left, it'll go away on it's own or maybe you need to spray it a little more and you'll resolve your huge messy stain saga :)
Lesson learned:
The only way you can resolve a problem like this is to try your best and if your best isn't good enough, maybe that person doesn't want to accept your best. So let it go-they are who they are, they are never going to change so don't hope for the one day they will because it is never going to come. Accept defeat every now and then maybe it'll be worth it, maybe it won't. But life will go on!
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